[written around 2am, as I went to bed, after attending a party where most everyone there appeared to be part of a couple]
I understand that having another person, no matter who they are, in my life won’t magically make me happier. Someone else can’t make me happy.
But...!
I just cannot dismiss the idea that another person—the right person (not “Miss Right”, not that one perfect-match/soul-mate who exists out there and is looking for me, because I don’t believe in that, but rather one of many possible “right” persons)—may be able to help me, urge me, inspire me to be better...to be happier...to look for happiness and accept it when it comes...to strive for contentment.
That is what I hope for. I’ve seen glimpses of it, so I know it’s possible...maybe not probable, but possible. I just fear that I’ll try to turn anything and everything [anyone] I find into that and, by doing so, ruin it...as I have done for the past few years.
I don’t know how to be happy as I am. I don’t know how to count my blessings or whatever the optimists out there might advise me to do. I don’t know how to let go of unhappiness while I’m being unhappy.
