torn

I’m sort of torn.

Many people who know me are aware that I prefer being naked. I just do. It feels good. It seems right. In the summer it’s great because I don’t have to turn up the air conditioning as high as I would if I were clothed.

However...

It’s winter now, and I don’t want to turn the heat way up high all the time. It’s my checkbook, but also the planet—it’s bad for both. I just don’t want to use energy unnecessarily. And I’m broke-ish. So most of this winter, I’ve been wearing some clothes around the house. Much more than I normally wear. If I don’t turn the heat up, it’s just too cold for comfort.

But when I go very long without being naked, I just get out of touch with my body. I’m not especially healthy, not really in shape, but when I get out of touch with my body this way, I feel less healthy, less happy.

So…I’m sort of torn. 

cute little lesbian girl

So...Ellen Page is gay. “Who is Ellen Page?” you might ask. She’s this chick:

Here’s some info, if you want it:

Ellen Page - IMDb

Ellen Page - Wikipedia

She very recently came out of the closet. Who cares? Okay, well I care. But only because of this:

Whenever I see Ellen Page in a movie, she SEEMS smart—which I like—and funny, but in that sort of sarcastic way—which I like. And she’s cute, and short, and brunette, and maybeslightly boy-ish—all of which I like. (Yes, even the “slightly boy-ish” I like. That’s just how it is.)

And all that means on some weird level in my brain, I think she should be my girlfriend. So, yes, I care that she’s gay only because now I know a celebrity crush I have would never be my girlfriend in real life.

Yep, pretty much like every other actual, real-life crush I have. Especially the smart, funny, cute, short, slightly boy-ish ones, ‘cause they usually turn out to be lesbians. Or religious. Or both. (That’s just how it is.)

But other than the fact that I like her (on some non-reality level), I don’t care one way or the other that she’s gay. Why would it? It doesn’t bother me if someone is gay. Neither am I “proud” or “excited” if someone is gay. Why would anyone care? Again, unless you (or maybe a friend) is romantically or sexually interested in someone and want to know if there’s a chance.

Even if you are a religious person, and your religion says homosexuality is wrong, why would you care enough about another person’s preferences to make a big deal about it? After all, salvationist religions (Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism—religions in which you’re supposed to do something or think something or fell something in order to be “saved” from our current sinful/illusionary/temporary existence) are all essentially selfish on a basic level. They’re about working out your individual salvation. You can’t “save” anyone else but yourself. So, why would a religious person be upset about some other person’s life? 

(Oh yeah, maybe it’s not really about religion or “God” or whatever. It’s about the status quo and “tradition” and keeping the masses in line and the fear that it’s all gonna get out of control…as if the humanity is not already way out of control in the way we destroy the world.)

Anyway...

I guess some people are proud of her for “coming out”. But I wonder why the hell do we have a society in which you need to come out? Just to be clear, I am NOT saying that if you’re gay we don’t need to hear about it. In fact, it should be such a normal thing for people who are gay to just be gay that “coming out” shouldn’t be newsworthy. As you grow up and start to feel attracted to certain types of people, just be attracted to those people.

Just be who you are. Is that so hard?

If...

If I were a songwriter, but almost no one would sing my songs, so I sang them myself, no one would have a problem with that.

If I were a choreographer, but very few dancers were to be found to perform my work, so I choreographed a solo dance for myself and performed it, no one would think that was strange.

If I were an actor, but rarely would anyone cast me in a show, so I staged my own one-man show, no one would unfriend me.

If I were a novelist, but no publisher would actually publish my book, so I self-published, no one would think I was immoral.

But... 

I am a photographer, but I struggle with finding people willing to model for me, so I sometimes take pictures of myself. 

And for that I lose jobs. Some that I know of, and probably some that I don’t. 

I lose friends. I know of many, but there are probably people who keep their distance and choose to not get to know me because of it. 

It’s been suggested that I am lacking in character and integrity, and somehow I’m unsafe to be around. And THAT is just plain craziness. Ask anyone who ACTUALLY knows me if I have character and integrity. 

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

Anyway, I’m feeling pretty pissy tonight. Another model no-show (and no text nor response to my text) plus a friend telling me they won’t model HER FACE for me because of her job equals angry.