No means no.

No means no. 

I am perfectly fine with that. I totally support it. 

But I also support that yes should mean yes, and maybe should mean maybe. I’m not just talking about sex here. I mean in everyday life. If you say ‘maybe’ or ‘yes I want to do that thing but I’m busy right now’ instead of ‘no’ – that’s really fucking confusing. I’m not psychic, ya know. 

It seems that where I live, there’s a sort of culture of not saying no. But I’m just not wired that way. For me to get to the point that I understand your ‘yes’ or ‘maybe’ to mean no, I have to stop believing you and no longer trust your words. And that just damages our friendship or working relationship or whatever. 

This rant was prompted by an article I saw this morning. Here’s a link:

9-Year-Old Threatened with Sexual Harassment Charges 

Basically, a little boy likes a little girl at school; he writes her a bunch of love notes; she’s not interested; the school threatened the boy with sexual harassment. The article states definitively that the notes were unwanted by the girl. But I just want to know did the boy know this? 

Neither this article nor the “source” article mention whether the boy knew the notes were unwanted. Honestly, I am not defending childhood sexual harassment. If this boy knew that the girl wasn’t interested and didn’t want the notes, then he should know to stop. But if he didn’t know, how could he know? Not to be flippant, but was there a set of “do you like me check yes or no” boxes? 

What is clear to me from this article is that some other students were guilty of bullying &/or sexual harassment. Anyway, say no, people. If we’re teaching men and boys that they need to hear and respect ‘no’ when it is said, we also need to be teaching people to say no. 

Say what you need to say. 

Let your yes be yes and your no be no.

My birthday wish

So, my birthday is coming up. Whoo. 

I have this impression that most people, when they get lots of birthday wishes on their facebook wall, fell happy or excited or “blessed”. I suppose they feel something like whatever the birthday wishers intend them to feel. 

I am not most people, perhaps in lots of ways. But when I see those facebook wall wishes, I don’t feel happy. I definitely don’t feel “blessed”. Now, I understand that other people actually do mean well. But what I feel is not well. When a bunch of people who I don’t know especially well, and with whom I don’t really communicate beyond the occasional “like” or comment on a facebook post, and to whom I am simply not that close wish me a happy birthday I’m overwhelmed by the feeling that I’m not close to them. I’m barely close to anyone, and these kinds of wishes on my birthday really make me feel that. They make me feel worse. 

This is a big problem in my life. I’m desperately alone most of the time. I can’t invent people to spend time with me. Well, I can invent people if I’m writing a show or something. But they’re not real. They don’t make me feel any less lonely. Anyway... 

To be clear, I’m not upset that it’s my birthday, that I’m getting older and all that. I’m really not. And I don’t hate the idea that people would want me to have a good day on my birthday. But the honest truth is, someone I barely know taking 2 seconds to write on my facebook wall does not help that to happen. It makes you feel better, because you think you’re doing something good for me. That’s perfectly normal. Sometimes I wish people a happy birthday. But in this case, on my birthday, you’re actually making yourself feel better by doing something that makes me feel bad. 

I know! That is a very unusual reaction. But as I said before, I am not most people. 

So, here’s my birthday wish. If you want me to actually have a great birthday, then do something to make a difference in my day. Write me a real message in my inbox, something personal and specific. Ask me about what’s going on in my life (very little, sadly), or tell about your life. Start an actual conversation – and then continue it. Or if you live somewhere nearby, make a plan to do something with me: buy me coffee or lunch or something (‘cause I’m broke). Or just stop by and visit for a little bit. And if you happen to be financially fortunate, I don’t know, send me some money; I need a new phone, and a new computer, and I’m worried that my car could break down any day now. (Did I mention I’m broke? Seriously broke.) 

Or even better, how about hire me for a gig? A normal job, even, if you’ve got something that I could reasonably do with my skill set. I’m not working much at all. (Hence the being broke.) If you’re in a position to influence such things, ask me about the shows I’ve written and if any of them might work for your theatre. Or, if you’re comfortable with yourself, you could model for me. (I’m a photographer too, in case you didn’t know.) That would be awesome, ‘cause even the people who say they’re interested aren’t interested enough to actually do it. 

The best thing you could do for my birthday would be to actually become my friend, not just my facebook friend. I have very few. (I guess I’m nearly broke in that area, too.) You may not know me very well, and what you do know is that I’m, uh...kind of prickly. It’s true. But on the inside I’m actually soft and gooey. Well, that just sounds gross. 

Most people won’t want to be my friend. That’s okay. I understand, it’s a huge investment. And a lot of people seem to have plenty of friends already. 

Oh yeah, plus world peace and all that crap. You know, since I’m making wishes.