missing the beach

I’ve been thinking lately about the beach... 

...missing being there. Wanting to go back.

I spent a few months at the beach during the fall/winter a year ago. Also 5 years ago—same beach, about 3 months. It was nice having those long beaches to walk on, pretty sunsets, interesting shells to collect. But that’s not really what I miss.

I was alone there. I didn’t know anyone, and didn’t meet anyone while I was there. Didn’t even try. I didn’t interact with anyone face-to-face, except briefly at the grocery store, etc. The beaches were mostly empty of people.

Well, not empty exactly, but definitely not crowded. If I went walking on the beach for an hour, depending on exactly where and the time of day, I might see anywhere from zero to ten people.

I wasn’t working, wasn’t going out to clubs or any places or activities where people go socialize. I really was completely alone. But, despite that isolation, I felt less lonely there than I do now, living in a city where I actually know some people, and where I occasionally see “friends”.

It’s not that the beach was a good kind of isolation for me. I wasn’t happy to be alone at the beach. The difference is that while I was there, I had absolutely no expectation of not being alone. The fact that I didn’t know anyone there meant I had no hope of spending time with anyone. Here, now, I do have that hope. It’s not based much on experience.

Anyone who knows me likely would not describe me as “optimistic”, yet I sort of am. I have hope that something will change (or that I will change something).

But the fact that there are people I know close by and I don’t see them, that I don’t interact with anyone in person on any remotely regular basis (unless I’m doing a show—and then, it’s pretty-much only in rehearsals), just makes my loneliness worse. I’m technically less alone, but that (paradoxically) makes me feel lonelier.

I’m not going to the beach this winter. I can’t afford it. And I won’t fool myself into thinking I need to get away. I need the opposite. I needed the opposite a year ago. (That’s why I came back here—I thought I’d at least have some people in my live, but it hasn’t much felt that way.) MAYBE 5 years ago I needed to get a way, but honestly, I don’t think it was truly helpful even then.

So, I’m not going back there now. Or probably anywhere else either. I know I’m not “right”, not okay here. But I don’t think there’s anywhere else that’d I’d be any better. 

deal breaker

So, this was originally something I posted on the facebook. But it seemed a little blog-ish, so here it is. 

Facebook seems to want to know what’s on my mind. Well, facebook…

Have you ever met someone, known someone, worked with someone...and you were IMMEDIATELY attracted to this person the first time you met? Even the first time you saw him or her? 

You found this person so appealing, so attractive, so right for you. And the more you got to know him or her, the more it just reinforced that initial attraction.

Smart + funny + talented + beautiful = Mr or Miss Right?

And you would ask this person out, or pursue him or her, or whatever it is you do with such a person…EXCEPT for one very basic, major deal breaker.

Yeah…that. THAT’s what’s on my mind, facebook. It’s not a new thing for me with this person. Just, occasionally I’m reminded of the rightness and the deal-breaker-ness.

Sigh.

"Got my hair did"???

No. No, you did not get your hair did.

The word is “done”, not “did”. “I got my hair DONE.” Or, “I’m going to get my hair DONE.”

Come on, people, you know better than “I got my hair did.” Or at least you should. And just because you know it’s incorrect and you use it anyway, that doesn’t make it cute or ironic. It makes it annoying.

So, stop it.

Oh yeah, also…it’s “hair” not “hur”. Not unless you’re talking about how you got your Ben Hur done.

Idiots. 

some 9/11 thoughts

So, today is September 11th. “9/11”, twelve years after THE “9/11”. 

I haven’t really done any serious reading about it, not this year nor in previous years. But I have seen a lot of folks posting comments and pictures commemorating the event. Facebook posts about “where I was when I heard twelve years ago” and inspirational “never forget” type pictures. Well, it seems to me that “not forgetting” isn’t the same as actively remembering, and it’s definitely not the same as pondering and questioning and looking for answers.

What is it that we’re “not forgetting”? That we’re America and how shocked and afraid we were that someone hurt us in our own home? That we went to war in “the wrong country” for dubious reasons? ‘Cause I haven’t seen anyone post about that stuff. It’s generally about the people who were killed and the brave first responders.

Yes, those things are worth remembering. But the much more important issue, I should think, is why did this happen? And I don’t mean “why was there a failure in our national intelligence agencies?” I mean “what is it that drove these people to attack us?” Clearly those people thought they had some justification.

Again, I haven’t really looked into this, watched documentaries or whatever. But generally the only casual talk about why this happened that I hear is that they hate us, they hate our freedom, they hate our way of life and want to destroy it.

I don’t know about that, but I’m sure, there’s at least some religious aspect: that we don’t share their religion and should be punished; we’re not a conservatively moral society, despite the supposed “Christian” faith of a majority of people in this country (Is that true? I haven’t looked it up, but it feels true. Of course, I do live in the South, so…) and should be punished.

But I think it’s probably more about the political and cultural pressure we exert around the world. That we want people to be like us…sort of. Or, maybe it’s just that we want the rest of the world to do what we say. So we prop up some governments that we think will help us maintain a status quo where we get what we want, and we work to overthrow governments that don’t. We go to war and turn innocent people into combatants by treating them like combatants. (We do that here at home, too…with police in inner cities and at economic protests.)

Yes, yes, this is all just knee-jerk liberal clap-trap, and I don’t understand how things are out there in the real world. BUT…

Why are we as a society not asking these questions? Why do we wrap ourselves up in an American-flag-shaped complacency when it comes to examining who we are and how we live? Way too many people seem dissatisfied, even if they don’t know why, for us to sweep these questions under the carpet.

The way we live is not good for people. It’s good for government and big business, but not for people. Sure, it’s great for some people but not “the people”. We need to change things. 

coffee fail

I know there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I’m not sleeping enough. Or maybe I’m just getting older and my brain isn’t working the way it used to. Maybe should eat more fish.

Anyway… Here’s the proof that there’s something wrong:

I make a pot of coffee every morning. It’s not complicated. But over the past several months, once ever few weeks or so, I fail at making the coffee. Either I forget to put in the coffee grounds, or the water, or I forget to turn it on.

But today, I forgot to do all three. Yep, three strikes; I am out. I emptied the reusable filter and rinsed it out, put it back in the coffee maker and closed the lid, then walked out of the kitchen to check my email, facebook, etc. (which I always do while the coffee is brewing).

Well, there is a happy ending. After discovering my coffee failure, I tried again and did succeed in making coffee. I can hear that it’s done brewing now, so I’ll have some as soon as I post this. 

I am not a violent person.

I am not a violent person. Truly, I am not. I realize that humans are just smart apes, and sometimes apes get violent. I understand that violence is an inherent part of who we are. But the idea of me personally being violent toward someone just feels so foreign, so very much not a part of who I am. Using violence to solve a problem or, even worse, just because I don’t like someone is just unthinkable.

That being said…

The other morning I noticed this picture:

It was on an ad in that bunch of ads and coupons that arrive together every week or so in my mailbox. It’s an ad for glasses—back to school special or something. Anyway, it caught my eye as I was going into the kitchen to make coffee, and I just thought that kid with those glasses and that expression is just asking to be hit.

Of course, I was immediately horrified by that thought.

And then I wondered why I had that thought. I looked again at the picture and found that I really disliked the kid. With his Bieber-do and that snarky expression and posture…he is NOT cute. He is annoying.

Why would someone approve that picture for an ad? Don’t they see it too? Is it just me? What do you think?

Amanda Palmer and The Daily Mail

Back when I was posting every day (for a year) I posted this sort of thing from time to time, but it’s been a while. Anyway…

So, this happened:

“Making a boob of herself…”

(It’s a review in The Daily Mail of a performance by Amanda Palmer in which there was a “wardrobe malfundtion”, and the review only talked about that. Nothing at all is mentioned about the music, and very little is said about any other aspect of the performance.)

And then this happened:

Good for her.

That’s all.

Goodnight.