torn

I’m sort of torn.

Many people who know me are aware that I prefer being naked. I just do. It feels good. It seems right. In the summer it’s great because I don’t have to turn up the air conditioning as high as I would if I were clothed.

However...

It’s winter now, and I don’t want to turn the heat way up high all the time. It’s my checkbook, but also the planet—it’s bad for both. I just don’t want to use energy unnecessarily. And I’m broke-ish. So most of this winter, I’ve been wearing some clothes around the house. Much more than I normally wear. If I don’t turn the heat up, it’s just too cold for comfort.

But when I go very long without being naked, I just get out of touch with my body. I’m not especially healthy, not really in shape, but when I get out of touch with my body this way, I feel less healthy, less happy.

So…I’m sort of torn. 

cute little lesbian girl

So...Ellen Page is gay. “Who is Ellen Page?” you might ask. She’s this chick:

Here’s some info, if you want it:

Ellen Page - IMDb

Ellen Page - Wikipedia

She very recently came out of the closet. Who cares? Okay, well I care. But only because of this:

Whenever I see Ellen Page in a movie, she SEEMS smart—which I like—and funny, but in that sort of sarcastic way—which I like. And she’s cute, and short, and brunette, and maybeslightly boy-ish—all of which I like. (Yes, even the “slightly boy-ish” I like. That’s just how it is.)

And all that means on some weird level in my brain, I think she should be my girlfriend. So, yes, I care that she’s gay only because now I know a celebrity crush I have would never be my girlfriend in real life.

Yep, pretty much like every other actual, real-life crush I have. Especially the smart, funny, cute, short, slightly boy-ish ones, ‘cause they usually turn out to be lesbians. Or religious. Or both. (That’s just how it is.)

But other than the fact that I like her (on some non-reality level), I don’t care one way or the other that she’s gay. Why would it? It doesn’t bother me if someone is gay. Neither am I “proud” or “excited” if someone is gay. Why would anyone care? Again, unless you (or maybe a friend) is romantically or sexually interested in someone and want to know if there’s a chance.

Even if you are a religious person, and your religion says homosexuality is wrong, why would you care enough about another person’s preferences to make a big deal about it? After all, salvationist religions (Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism—religions in which you’re supposed to do something or think something or fell something in order to be “saved” from our current sinful/illusionary/temporary existence) are all essentially selfish on a basic level. They’re about working out your individual salvation. You can’t “save” anyone else but yourself. So, why would a religious person be upset about some other person’s life? 

(Oh yeah, maybe it’s not really about religion or “God” or whatever. It’s about the status quo and “tradition” and keeping the masses in line and the fear that it’s all gonna get out of control…as if the humanity is not already way out of control in the way we destroy the world.)

Anyway...

I guess some people are proud of her for “coming out”. But I wonder why the hell do we have a society in which you need to come out? Just to be clear, I am NOT saying that if you’re gay we don’t need to hear about it. In fact, it should be such a normal thing for people who are gay to just be gay that “coming out” shouldn’t be newsworthy. As you grow up and start to feel attracted to certain types of people, just be attracted to those people.

Just be who you are. Is that so hard?

If...

If I were a songwriter, but almost no one would sing my songs, so I sang them myself, no one would have a problem with that.

If I were a choreographer, but very few dancers were to be found to perform my work, so I choreographed a solo dance for myself and performed it, no one would think that was strange.

If I were an actor, but rarely would anyone cast me in a show, so I staged my own one-man show, no one would unfriend me.

If I were a novelist, but no publisher would actually publish my book, so I self-published, no one would think I was immoral.

But... 

I am a photographer, but I struggle with finding people willing to model for me, so I sometimes take pictures of myself. 

And for that I lose jobs. Some that I know of, and probably some that I don’t. 

I lose friends. I know of many, but there are probably people who keep their distance and choose to not get to know me because of it. 

It’s been suggested that I am lacking in character and integrity, and somehow I’m unsafe to be around. And THAT is just plain craziness. Ask anyone who ACTUALLY knows me if I have character and integrity. 

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Anyway, I’m feeling pretty pissy tonight. Another model no-show (and no text nor response to my text) plus a friend telling me they won’t model HER FACE for me because of her job equals angry. 

No Picture Day

Well, here I am approaching the end of another day in which I haven’t taken any pictures. I thought about it this morning, but I didn’t want to do yet another mediocre morning nude. And I knew I’d be going out today (for an extra day of auditions for the show I’m doing), and I thought I might go a little early and stop someplace to take a picture of something interesting. I didn’t go early, and though I took my camera, I didn’t see anything that inspired me to take a picture.

And I just don’t feel like taking any pictures tonight. This happened last night (because I had a shoot with a model scheduled, but she canceled), and I took some pics, but they weren’t all that great. And I’m actually trying to work on some music this evening. 

So, I am officially declaring this a “no picture day”. It’s the first no pictures day for me since 6 weeks ago, when I decided I’d try to take pictures every day. 

6:30 AM

Another early morning and I’m up for no good reason. No job I have to get to; no kids to get ready for school. Just me, awake. 

It feels too early for much of anything. Too early to work on music, or even watch the netflix. I don’t want to make much noise, though it wouldn’t disturb anyone. I have no family here, no roommate, no lover. No one to bother or be bothered by. Just me, alone. 

There are neighbors, but I don’t think they’d notice. I never hear their TVs, or their talking, or their anything, really. But it seems too early for noise. So, I sit here at the computer, mostly just staring. And drinking crappy coffee. Awake but tired. My mind isn’t going full steam yet. Just me, not quite alert. 

It’s a sort of limbo. I wish I could call it a prelude, but that would suggest something is going to happen. That’s not the feeling at all. In fact, it feels like nothing will happen. Nothing keeps on happening. Nothing and nothing and more nothing. Just me, not quite alive. 

So, I’ll get another cup of coffee, I’ll have another mediocre day, and I’ll make it through another year of wishing for some unknown, unspecified something. Half the time hating the world, and half the time hating myself. And mostly feeling there’s no point. No love. No joy. No anything. Just me, not quite dead. 

“Connect, George, connect!”

So, I was just searching online for pictures I like—you know, inspiration, or whatever. And I was purposely trying to find non-nudes. I’ve found tons of nudes I like. The thing is, I tend to find nudes so much more appealing. Or I have a stronger reaction, I guess. It’s not necessarily a sexual reaction (sometimes it is, but not always). And obviously not all nudes do I find appealing. Some are quite appalling.

It’s a little bit of a challenge. The more pictures I look at, the less I find really interesting. There’s certainly stuff that’s nice, or appealing, I guess, but not really interesting.

I always liked nudes. Well…for a long time. (I wrote a little about that before: “childhood myths”.)

Anyway, I just find nudes appealing, both as a viewer and as a photographer. It’s easier for me to find nudes that I like, or that I think are interesting. But, while I definitely enjoy doing nudes, I’m totally willing to do non-nudes. I just wish more people would pose for me, clothed or not. 

I have this suspicion that people who know me, who’ve seen at least some of my facebook posts of my photography, maybe think that I only do nudes. Or maybe that I really only want to do nudes, and somehow that’s my ultimate goal. Perhaps that idea was suggested by the fact that mostly what I was doing for a while was nudes, self portraits. So maybe that’s all some people have seen of my photography. And maybe they think that if they modeled for me, I would be nude. 

Well, I wouldn’t be nude. You could ask the few people who have posed for me. And my actual goal is to make some nice pictures, maybe some interesting pictures. Pictures that I would want to look at, that people would want to look at. And, as I said, I like doing nudes, but I do other stuff too. 

Maybe people I know haven’t seen much of my more recent stuff, or my non-self-portraits. Generally when I post a link to facebook these days, I don’t get many views and no comments—whether it’s this blog of “rants” or my naked blog or my general photography blog or the newest blog that I set up with mostly people who’ve modeled for me. 

Hmm... Maybe I have too many blogs. 

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

Photography is often a lonely endeavor. Even if I have someone model for me, that’s only the first part—an hour or 90 minutes of actually interacting with that person. Then they leave, and I have to select and edit the photos. That takes longer than the actual shoot—just me, at my computer, looking at images, playing with contrast and color and all that, making decisions about what looks better this or that. I don’t mind that part of it, but it would be nice to have at least had that hour or so working with another person. Then the result would be pictures I took of another person, instead of just me or some building or trees or whatever. It would be a connection of sorts. 

Maybe it’s something else. Maybe people aren’t reluctant to model for me because of anything to do with nudes. Maybe people just don’t like me. Actually, not maybe; I’m fairly sure about that one. Some people like me well enough, but I’m quite certain that tons of people don't know exactly how to take me, or just don’t care much for me, or just outright dislike me. 

I used to be nice and quiet and shy. I got over that. The nice sand shy part, anyway. I’m still quiet sometimes, especially when I don’t know the people I’m around, or if they’re talking about something I know little about. But I’m certainly willing to tell people what I think even if it’s not nice.

It’s absolutely clear to me that I’m bad at connecting with people. I was never great at it, but it’s harder now than it used to be. When I was in college, people were open to making friends. But now I'm middle-aged. People are just busy with their own lives, and if I’m not already part of that, they just seem to not have much room for me. Okay, fine. But I think that my desire to photograph people is partly an attempt to connect, to participate in the world that I often just don’t feel a part of. 

Another failing attempt to be human. 

don't take the blue pills

I bought these blue pills a while back by accident. I meant to get just acetaminophen, which is a basic pain reliever. It’s what’s in Tylenol. But I was in a hurry and got the wrong bottle. 

Just to be clear, they are NOT Viagra.

These are acetaminophen plus diphenhydramine, and they’re for night-time pain relief. Diphenhydramine is what’s in Benadryl. It’s generally used for allergies and motion sickness, but it can make you relaxed or make you sleep.

The day that I bought them, I was on my way to a rehearsal. I felt a massive headache coming on, so I stopped at a drug store and grabbed these. I was back in my car, heading to my rehearsal, opening the bottle, and was about to take several (3 or 4 probably). But the color threw me. Normally, acetaminophen tablets are white, not blue. So, I looked more carefully at the package and realized these weren’t what I’d thought.

I don’t recall whether I stopped elsewhere and bought a regular, non-drowsy pain reliever, or if I just asked someone at rehearsal. But I did not take the blue ones. I may have that night, or sometime shortly after. I’ve tried them just a handful of times, most recently last night. I had a headache yesterday from around 4 or 5 pm until I went to bed around 9:30. I never go to bed that early, but the headache was pretty bad.

Well, I’m not gonna take these anymore. They just make me feel awful the next morning. Often I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, and after taking 2 of these blue pills, I still wake up in the middle of the night, but I feel really, really drunk—uncomfortably drunk. I’ll feel really tired, but not able to get back to sleep for a while. Then, in the morning, I feel like crap. 

I also just realized this morning, while looking at the bottle, that they’re past the expiration date. They’re probably okay to use. They helped me get to sleep last night, and didn’t seem to work any differently from when I’ve used them in the past. But I just don’t like how they make me feel.