bullshit inner monologue

Damn it!

I’m trying to do some work on a script. It’s a show I started writing this summer, when I had a lot of time. And now, even when I have a day off, like today, I just can’t stay focused on it.

It’s not the facebook or the netflix distracting me. The problem is that I’m too distracted by my bullshit inner monologue. I’m not beating myself up, thinking “I’m not a good writer” or that kind of creativity-related thing (not that that doesn’t happen sometimes). It’s that boring monologue about how I’m generally unhappy being alone. See, you’re probably bored already.

There’s one particular woman I’m interested in right now, but at this point she isn’t able or willing to give me what I want. That ought to discourage me from interacting with her. I expected it to, based on how I’ve reacted to this kind of thing in the past. But how I feel just hasn’t really changed. A friend mentioned the other day that maybe the problem isn’t this woman. Maybe the problem is that I’m feeling old and tired and worried that I don’t have many chances left. Damn you, smart friend who can sometimes see through my bullshit!

Actually, I don’t know for sure if that’s the problem, but it’s certainly possible.

Why is it so easy to just sit here and write this, while working on that script feels like I’m having to stop and think and work for every line?

Blech. I wish I were either a lot more busy so that I don’t really have the time to sit around and think about this OR that I were less busy so I could really delve into writing like I did this past summer: spend basically all morning writing, a few hours in the early afternoons typing up what I just wrote, and a few hours in the late afternoon writing music. 

Birthday, schmirthday ...UPDATE

Karen’s call for people to send her stuff worked.

Soooo....I’m putting out a call for people to throw me a party. I’ve taken my birthdate off the facebook for now, and I’m probably not gonna put it back on until after Friday. I still don’t want to wade through “happy birthday” postings. But between now and then I’ll be putting in my status a call for local people to throw me a party.

Do it! I’m gonna be 40 on Friday. That’s sort of a big deal. Do it! Make it a “special day” for me. I could use one. Seriously. 

massage

I’d like a massage partner. Somebody that I know, that I like well enough, but don’t LIKE. My friend Julia thinks that people who know each other can’t give each other a massage and it not be about sex. I fully admit that there can be a sensuality to it, even a sort of intimacy. And certainly it can be about sex, but I think it doesn’t have to be.

I know that many people (I’ve talked to them over the years) would prefer a stranger give them a massage. But I just don’t feel that way. There is something important about touching each other (go ahead and get all the giggles out now), and while hiring someone who has studied and knows physiology and all that can lead to a really helpful massage—I’ve paid for some excellent massages— I think the idea of a friend touching you is really nice and might be really helpful emotionally. Also, it’s much easier on the budget. Just spring for a little massage oil, or baby oil, whatever. And if you feel like you’d be awful at it, just not know what to do, there are books which are probably cheaper than the cost of a massage.

So, anyone out there living near me interested?