BLECH:
So, I haven’t written a blog in almost a month.
I was a little bit sick...ish. Well, there was one day several weeks ago when I felt really bad.
And I was a little bit busy...ish. Well, I had a few extra rehearsals and a few juries to accompany.
Mostly I’ve just been lazy/depressed. I still am. I could spend this time writing. I SHOULD be working on some orchestrations for a show I’m doing in the spring. This is when I actually have time, but I’m finding it hard to motivate myself.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS:
I don’t really get into Thanksgiving or Christmas. It occurred to me a couple of days ago that I can’t really make any emotional investment in the holidays, because there’s no real pay-off for me. I don’t seem to feel the warm, fuzzy stuff that everyone is “supposed” to feel. At Thanksgiving some friends invited me to their house for a very tasty dinner. That was nice; I had a good time. But, in general, it’s hard for me to feel thankful when I’m not happy with myself or with my life. Yeah, I’m not homeless and starving, but I live alone and spend most of my time alone. And I’m really worried about money lately. I don’t have any. I haven’t really worked “enough” in 2 years, and I don’t really think I’ll get much more work next year.
As for Christmas...well, I’m not religious. In fact, I’m pretty-much anti-religion. And for those who’d say they’re not “religious” but they believe, well, I’m pretty hostile about “faith” as well. It seems that the people who say that kind of thing (not “religious” but...) are just going along with or have returned to the stuff they were taught when they were children and didn’t have the mental capacity to question it. And now it’s like they have religion-lite, and they conveniently distance themselves from the horrible stuff that religions have done and often don’t even feel much need to actually examine what they believe. They just take their own particular dose of opiate and chill out, not really have to think about it.
The commercial side of Christmas makes me ill, so I haven’t even thought about it much this year. I don’t have a TV, so I haven’t seen those blatantly offensive commercials that suggestion we all must purchase lots of crap we and our “loved ones” don’t need. I think I wrote entire blogs ranting about Christmas for 2 or 3 years. There’s an abridged version of one of them here from December 2006.
Maybe I just have seasonal affective disorder. Of course that might suggest that I’m relatively healthy the rest of the year, and I’m not willing to claim that.
So, now I’ve written a blog. Yep, another blog complaining about how I’m unhappy. Maybe I should change the name of this whole thing from Mister Christer’s Variety Show...the blog to something like like The Blah-blah-blues-blog.
Chris - you sound like a Unitarian Universalist. Have you explored that "religion"? I have been a UU for about 15 years. I don't really think of it as a religion because we don't have a creed and we don't all believe in the same things. We do believe in the search for your own spiritual path, and that everyone has an inherent worth and beauty. Many UU's are atheist, agnostic, pagans, former Catholics, Methodists and Baptists.
ReplyDeleteI hear your pain of depression. You may not be able to pull yourself out of that without help. But, you are not alone! Look how many people like to chat with you on Facebook! Unfortunately, you won't find that someone special when you are in a state of depression. So, it's a vicious circle. Being aware of your depression is probably a first step.
I deal with Christmas blahs too. Since I've walked away from the Christian past that I no longer believe in, I find it hard to make some meaning of this holiday. It's even harder now that my kids are all grown up. I am finding good things to make it mean something to me. People like us have to cherry-pick the stuff that makes us happy during this holiday, and toss off the stuff that just doesn't jive. We have to make it into the celebration that we need at this point in our life. Maybe we need to start a Christmas Blah Support Group! Ha!
So, here's my comments. Feel free to respond.