I feel very…

I feel very…helpless? …hopeless? …something-less, lately.

I know I need to do something, to break this habit of doing nothing, of taking a vacation from any sort of useful life. But it’s hard. I feel like I’ve done basically nothing for…well, for years now, really. Maybe that sound like an exaggeration, but that is how I feel. And it’s sort of true. I’ve done relatively little for several years now. Relative to how productive I used to be. I’m not working, and have been significantly underemployed (and sometimes unemployed) for the past 6 years or so. I am writing songs for a show now, but that’s been sort of sporadic.

I’m not working—no income, and nothing to get me out of the apartment. I sit around most of the time, watching Netflix and stuff. I think maybe I’m putting on weight—just a little, but on my frame, a little is noticeable. My pants are tighter than they used to be (well, when I wear pants). I keep telling myself tomorrow or next week or next whenever I’ll do something about it. I’ll exercise; I’ll get out of my apartment; I’ll hang out with people; I’ll look for a job. But that day never comes.

Clearly I’m depressed. It not that unable-to-get-out-of-bed sort of depression you hear about. But I really do feel like I can’t get my shit together. I’m in a rut of dreary blah-ness. No…it’s worse than blah. It’s really more that I feel horrible so much of the time. Sad and despondent. As if I there’s nothing at all in my life that I really care about.

Most nights when I go to bed, I feel like I’m going to have to bear another torturous night of mediocre sleep. Okay, that IS an exaggeration: the nights aren’t quite “torture”. But most of the time sleep is unsatisfying. Weird dreams lately, and a lot of waking up at odd hours and wishing in vain that I could get back to sleep.

The main thing is that I’m alone. Woefully alone. It feels that I basically have no actual friends (And, of course, no “significant other. Not even an insignificant other.) I’ve felt that way for a long time—no friends. I certainly have “acquaintances”. But it seems to me that you should actually spend time with “friends”. Or, if you don’t live nearby, at least communicate often…really communicate, not just “like” each other’s’ facebook posts.

I feel that I have no “people”, you know…my people, my group. I do have a family, relatives. But honestly, I’m just not that close to them. I really never have been. And where they live isn’t “home”. And I’m “out of the loop” of most every loop there is. I need a loop; I need a group; I need people. I need something. And do not, even in jest, tell me that I need Jesus. I will punch you in the face.

Okay, I won’t actually punch you in the face, but that’s mostly because you’re not here in person. No one is here in person. As I’ve already pointed out, that’s the problem.