What’s the point of being smart, clever, talented (and whatever else) if I’m always gonna feel this alone?
I think my biggest fear is that I’ll lose hope, and then... I don’t know what will happen, but it scares me, and I don’t really want to think about it.
Hope that anybody really wants to hire me, that they recognize I’m good at what I do and value that over the other shit (i.e., being everybody’s buddy). Hope that I’ll ever really start writing again. Hope that anybody I really want to photograph will be interested ENOUGH to actually schedule a shoot and then NOT back out or cancel or just not show. Hope that anybody will ever want to fuck me again, much less love me. Or even, much more importantly, hope that anybody wants to truly be my friend, not just on fucking facebook, but actually spend some damn time with me, stop by, have some coffee or some whiskey, just hang out.
Fucking hope that I’ll EVER be somebody’s priority.
All this shit just fucking hurts. And I’m tired of hope being all I have. But like I said, I’m afraid of what’ll happen when I lose hope.
As bitter as I feel and sound now, it’s probably better than whatever happens next. But it feels like next is on it’s way.
All this shit just fucking hurts. And I’m tired of hope being all I have. But like I said, I’m afraid of what’ll happen when I lose hope.
As bitter as I feel and sound now, it’s probably better than whatever happens next. But it feels like next is on it’s way.
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