Sleepytime

For a while now, instead of coffee I’ve been drinking a mix of store brand black tea and “Sleepytime Tea” (by Celestial Seasonings).

I used to drink “Tension Tamer”. I really liked the flavor, but I can’t find that at my grocery store anymore.

Recently, I saw “Sleepytime Extra” at the grocery. It was in a noticeably bigger box, slightly different design, and twice as many tea bags at a slightly lower price per tea bag. So, I bought it. I didn’t think much about it and just assumed the “extra” referred to the bigger box it was in.

Also recently, I’ve been feeling really sleepy at various times during the day, like when I go to the theatre to do my job playing in the pit for a show. At first I thought I’m just tired lately. But the past day or two I’ve been wondering if there’s something wrong with me. (Maybe I should say, something ELSE wrong with me, along with the other stuff that I already know about.)

This morning, maybe half an hour ago, as I was making tea, it struck me that I’m drinking “Sleepytime Tea” several times during the day, and I’m feeling sleepy when I’m sitting in a room with dimmed lights (i.e., the theatre). I started wondering if the tea had something to do with it. Is there something in it that actually makes people sleepy, instead of it just being a cute name? So, for the first time, I actually read what was on the box. Well, it turns out that the “extra” in “Sleepytime Extra” is valerian root, which is a traditional sleep aid.

Perhaps I need to look more diligently for “Tension Tamer” as my normal daily tea (to mix with the cheap black tea) and save the “Sleepytime” for actual sleepy time.

#Chrismus

Last night during rehearsal for a show I’m doing which opens soon, I mentioned to a cast member that one of our 2-show days is my birthday. She asked what my favorite candy is, and I told her, no, no, don’t do that. Then she said she was going to get me a card, and I said I didn’t want that either. I wrote this down and gave it to her at the end of rehearsal:

I don’t need presents from people on my birthday.
I need presence of people...in my life...all year.
That’s the real meaning of Chris-mus.

On facebook I’ve made several #Chrismus posts. And like those posts, my note to that cast member was kind of jokey. But it’s also true. The whole point of my Chrismus (a.k.a. Chris-giving or Chris-vember? – you know, my birth month) posts is to maybe get some people to spend a little time with me. It’s an unusual bit of optimism on my part.

(If you regularly read all facebook my posts or maybe some of these blogs, you’ll know this already.) I don’t have people in my life – people that I spend time with, or even people who I regularly talk with. I realized a few days ago that I don’t even speak out loud very much. I talk a little in rehearsal, more if I’m the music director and it’s a music rehearsal. I might talk a little bit with the teacher in dance classes, two days a week. But otherwise, the most speaking I do is when I talk out loud to myself sometimes, at home or in my car. There’s literally no other person(s) around that I can talk to, or listen to, or just be in the same place.

(By the way, if you actually know me, and you’re ever around me at a rehearsal, etc., and I seem to overshare about whatever is going on in my life, that’s why – I literally have no one to talk to about stuff.)

So this #Chrismus thing is an admittedly likely-to-fail attempt to raise awareness of me in the minds of people who sort of know me.

Maybe you don’t want to know me better. I realize that I probably come off as a weird and miserable person sometimes. But you can help me with that. On my actual birthday, I don’t love getting a lot of “happy birthday” wishes. I’ve posted about it before. The jist is that hearing from a bunch of people who I never really talk to, or spend time with, or barely even know, makes me feel bad, not good. So, instead of birthday wishes, if you want me to feel less depressed, less miserable, less alone, initiate an actual conversation with me, about...I don’t know, anything? Or better yet, meet me for coffee. Or lunch. Or come over to my place and hang out for a little while. Or invite me to yours. Or for a walk in a park. Or schedule a photo shoot (no, it doesn’t have to be nude). But not just ON my birthday – any time. Maybe we’ll along well, and become actual friends, not just acquaintances who only see each other when we do a show together.

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Hey, Chris, why don’t you make an effort to get to know people, instead of expecting them to do it?” Well, this is an attempt to do that. My past attempts have largely failed. Many people seem uninterested in actual friendship which requires interaction, or, more likely, people are just so busy, busy, busy.

What I desperately need in my life, and have greatly failed at, is people who not only want to be friends with me, but who are also willing to make the effort it takes be friends with me.

not getting up

I'm still in bed. I'm considering not getting up.

I was just thinking how often, on days like this, I don't want to get up. At first I thought it was something to do with the weather, but then I realized it's just me. I feel tired and very blah, sort of emotionally empty, and my body doesn't feel so good. I just want to stay in bed. Actually, that's every day, I think. Yeah, I feel like that every day. I never want to get up. Maybe I should just never get up. 

Of course, that sounds like death. Death is not getting up. Ever. Some people find you there, not getting up, and they move you around to a couple of places - maybe a hospital, a morgue, a funeral home. They poke and prod you a bit, to be sure that you're not going to get up. Finally, they put you into this weird, expensive, stylized bed, which is probably very uncomfortable. But you don't really care, cause you're just not getting up. 

Your friends and family all show up for a really bad party. Then they either move you (and that weird little bed) to someplace else, someplace very out of the way, or they just let your soul continue sleeping while they get rid of your body, or at least minimize it. So long as you take up as little space as possible. 

Yep, that's it, that's what happens when you die. There's a bad party, then people get you out of the way because they need the space. Various people get your stuff, and eventually somebody else moves into your place - literally and figuratively. And meanwhile, you're just off out of the way, not getting up.

. . .

. . .

Well. . . I guess I should get up now. 

Obi-Wan Kenobi: my review

I just finished watching Obi-Wan Kenobi.

SPOILER ALERT

I didn't hate it.

I really liked the bits between Obi-Wan and Vader. Those were easily the best bits. I liked how damaged and weak Obi-Wan was at the beginning, sort of torturing himself because he thought he had killed Anakin. He could still fight, but he was 10 years out of practice, and it showed. It was maybe a little bit too easy that he suddenly came back to full power after Vader took responsibility for having killed Anakin.

I liked how Vader was just a man-child who wanted to hurt people, especially Obi-Wan, because he'd been hurt. I never really liked Anakin in any of the prequel films, but I like that he was consistent with whinny prequel-Anakin who always blames other people for his problems. Then it was interesting to see him (maybe) seem to shut off all of his feelings at the end.

I would've liked to have seen more of Vader. And, as far as I'm concerned, they could've left out the new flashback scenes with Anakin. He was clearly much older than Anakin when he because Vader and got all burned up. It was impossible from me to suspend my disbelief. Also, they maybe could've used fewer flashbacks in general - from the prequels and in Obi-Wan's mind, hearing lines from earlier in the series.

The Third Sister story - once we found out who/what she was, it felt a bit obvious where it was going. And then it went exactly there.

Anytime people were supposed to be running, they seemed way too casual about it. Mainly this had to do with Leia. Running from the kidnappers, she just didn't seem like getting away was that important.

The Empire was just extraordinarily inept and ought to have easily captured or killed or overrun anyone they were fighting against. It was just pathetic. Rescuing Leia should not have worked, either time.

Whoever choreographed/directed the group fight scenes could've done much better. However, the light saber fights were good.

So, it's a mixed review from me. Overall, I guess, it was okay. 

What do I really want to do?

What do I really want to do? 

I don’t know. I’ve never really known. If you had asked me, when I was a little kid, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would not have had an answer for you. I suppose if you had really pressed me on it, I may’ve said something like a policeman, a fireman, or astronaut. Not that I actually wanted to be any of those things, but those were the answers I had heard to that question. I can’t really remember anyone asking me that as a kid. They must have, right? That’s what adults ask kids.  Anyway... 

Later, as a teen, I didn’t have any strong feeling about a career. At some point, I thought maybe I could be a therapist. That may have been when I was in therapy. But, again, it wasn’t like a burning desire within me. I was writing music by that point, and I guess I liked it, so I started college as a music composition major. But even then, I don’t think I saw that as what I really wanted to be. It was just something that I did. I ended up switching to psychology, as I thought it was something I could maybe stand to do, but I continued studying composition as well. 

I never had a plan. Literally no one ever asked me what was my career plan. I never even heard terms like “5-year plan” or “10-year plan” until later when I was working at some schools. It really seems like someone, a teacher or an advisor sometime during high school or college, should have asked me that. Should have asked me what I wanted to do with my life. But I don’t remember that ever happening. And I’m pretty sure my parents never asked. Maybe I seemed like one of those students who did well, so everyone just assumed I had my act together in terms of a career path. But obviously I didn’t. 

There was some point, I think maybe my fourth year in college, when I was aware that I didn’t really know what I was doing, and I thought I might actually quit school for a bit and try to figure things out. But the few people that I talked to about that told me it was a bad idea and that I should finish a degree in something, anything, whatever I was the closest to finishing at that point. So, I stuck around another year (+) and got a degree in psychology, with a gigantic minor in music. I had more music hours than psych hours, but undergrad psychology is a pretty easy degree, and undergrad music is not. (Sometimes, when people find out I have a psychology degree, they’ll ask if I ever use it. And I’ll say, “Sure! I work with crazy people all the time - singers, dancers, actors.”) 

I ended up playing music for a living. It wasn’t really a choice I made because that was what I wanted to be. It’s just something that started when I was in college. My composition teacher told me, “Go play in jazz band, it’ll be good for you. Go play for dance classes, it’ll be good for you. Go accompany the opera, it’ll be good for you.” He meant those things would be good for me as a composer, and they definitely were. But I also discovered I could play music and people would pay me money for it. And that was nice, so that’s what I did. It just sort of happened. And accompanying led to doing musical theater, and that led to being an assistant music director and then music director. Once again, I don’t think it that was something I decided I wanted to be, it just sort of happened. 

So, I’m a freelance musician, and it’s hard to make a decent living at that. Especially if you don't feel a really strong drive to keep working at it because it’s really what you love doing. I still write music – sometimes classical stuff, sometimes theatre. I’ve never seen a way to really make money at that unless I were writing pop music for famous pop stars or big budget film scores, and I’m not actually interested in writing either of those kinds of things. About 10 or 12 years ago I started taking pictures. I like doing that, and I wish I could do it more. But even though every now and then people have paid me for photos, I don't see a way to regularly make money at it, at least not with the sort of pictures that I take and want to take. Anyway, I don’t know if that’s what I “want to be.” 

Now, I’m approaching old age. I turned 50 a few years ago and I have no money, no savings, not much of anything. I’m really just scraping by. It’s not like I spend money unwisely. It’s that I don’t really have money to spend in the first place. I’m not starving, or unable to pay the bills. But I don’t have a safety net nor a retirement plan. Several times in the past 15 or so years I have thought about maybe trying to find a “normal” job – a non-music job. But I’m not even sure what jobs there are out in the world. And, while there are some skills I have developed as a musician and music director, I’m not sure how they would translate to the normal job market. I’ve never been any good at convincing people to do things for me, so how do I convince someone to hire me with no background in a normal work environment? 

If you were to ask me now, what is it that I really want to do? 

Nothing? I don’t know. I’ve never really known. 

Well, what are you waiting for!?

I regularly check my junk mail, because in the past I’ve missed important messages and even work opportunities that went to junk mail. This morning, there are junk emails about “Christian Matches” and “Sex Dating”. Definitely junk. I’m not looking for either of those things. I mean, it would be great to meet some non-religious person who I liked and who liked me, spend some time together, get to know each other, and, eventually, have sex as part of a healthy relationship. But I can’t imagine finding that through either of those junk emails.

I’m not really interested in pursuing online dating. 

Quite a few years ago, I had dates with two women I met on OK Cupid. They were...okay. (Pun intended.) They both seemed nice, and we got on well enough. I might have become friends with either or both of them, if we’d spent more time together. But there was no “spark,” no significant chemistry. And neither went beyond that first date. In one case, I left town (NYC) for work that came up suddenly, and I didn’t return. The other woman met someone else (on OK Cupid) with whom she did “click” romantically, and we amicably parted ways.

Ten years ago – no wait, more like 12 or 13 (Wow!) – I met someone who was a friend of a friend on facebook. We got on great... at first. We dated for several weeks. I don’t remember how long, exactly, but probably not quite a month. She lived in the next town over, so we weren’t hanging out every day, but we went out once or twice a week, and we talked a lot, online and on the phone. It didn’t work out. There were some very basic problems, which I won’t get into here. But that “relationship” was the closet I’ve ever been to someone setting me up with a woman they thought I would like, and I had requested that person introduce us. I’ve never been on a blind date, nor been invited to some gathering specifically to meet someone's cousin or a friend of a friend.

I guess what I’m getting at is this:

I’m tired of being alone. I don’t seem to meet anyone who I like, AND who is available, AND who is even reasonably age-appropriate for me. (Seriously, most women I meet I am probably their parents’ age. Or older.)  I haven’t been on a date in many years (not to mention how long it's been since I’ve had sex... you know, with another person). So. If you consider us to be friends, and you know someone who lives at least sort of near me, who you think might be a good match, then . . .

. . .

. . .

Well, what are you waiting for!? Set us up! I mean, maybe first, ask each of us what we’re looking for, and (maybe more important) NOT looking for, in a potential mate. But get on with it, we’re not getting any younger. Don't you want us to be happy? Like you are? (Well, maybe like you were when you first met your mate.) 

I'm awkward

 

My lack of social interaction is a problem that feeds itself, it reinforces itself. 

I don’t interact much with people. When I do, I tend to feel awkward, and the awkwardness makes me not want to interact with people. It often succeeds in making me not interact with people. So that when I do interact, I’m “out of practice” at it. And that probably makes me feel even more awkward than I already would have felt.

Similarly, I don’t know people very well. I don’t talk to people much, so I don’t get to know them, and I don’t know much about them. Then when I see people in a social situation, I don’t have anything to say to them, so I don’t talk to them. Often, in the moment, I don’t even think about going over to people to even say hello. It just doesn’t occur to me until, possibly, sometime later.

It’s not that I don’t want to be friends with people. I do (well, maybe not all people). But I don’t feel like I’m good enough friends with people to really just go over and to talk to them. Mainly because I just don’t have much to say. I guess I’m just really boring.

Occasionally, when I’ve talked about this with people, they’ve told me that I don’t seem that awkward. I guess I’ve fooled some people. Yay? But I definitely feel it. So much so that I can’t imagine anyone thinking of me as socially competent. At best, I assume people think I’m just not very friendly.

Sometimes I DO talk to people and (at least at first) don’t feel super awkward. But it seems like (when I think back on it later) I just say a lot about whatever is going on in my life, even when it has nothing to do with that person and the nature of our relationship or the situation we’re in at that moment. In those instances, I probably seem desperate to talk, or maybe seem like I just overshare. (And, of course, that makes me feel awkward in hindsight.)

Have you experienced either of these things with me? How do I seem to you when we’ve interacted in some social setting?

Fuck you, professor whatever your name was.

SPOILER ALERT.

I’m watching Alien – the original film, from 1979 – on HBO Max. I’ve seen it several times. Every time I’ve seen it, I have this creepy memory of a college literature professor, who mentioned it in class to illustrate some point. I don’t remember the exact context or the point he was making. I assume it was something to do with vulnerability. I know we weren’t talking about film or sci-fi – just some book we were supposed to have read.

Seemingly out of nowhere he said, “Why do you think Sigourney Weaver had to have the final fight with the monster in her underwear at the end of Alien?” or something like that. The answer was that in her near-nudity, she was more exposed, more vulnerable. He talked about it for maybe 30 seconds, and there was this comment he made – a totally unnecessary and creepy comment – about how Sigourney Weaver has a glorious body. Why? Why was it necessary to say that? It wasn’t. It did not help make his point, whatever that was. It was just creepy. This isn’t just “woke 2020 me” looking back at it now. I knew then, immediately, that it was creepy.

Oh yeah, also, it was a spoiler. That film came out in 1979, and this happened 1989 or ’90, or maybe ‘91. I hadn’t seen Alien, at that point, and I bet a lot of the other students hadn’t seen it either. There was no Netflix, no streaming, no anything “on demand.” There were video stores, but I don’t remember college students doing a lot of video renting. A lot of people didn’t have TVs, much less VCRs in their dorm rooms. Blockbuster wasn’t even a big deal yet. But the first time I did see it, which was probably at least a few years later, as the movie seemed to be drawing to a close, I knew the alien wasn’t gone because Sigourney wasn’t in her underwear yet. Then when she was, I knew, “Ah! Here comes the monster, any second now.”

Fuck you, professor whatever your name was. For being creepy and for spoiling the end of that film. 

something I noticed in The Witcher

So, I don’t know if this is really worth an entire blog. But... here I am writing one.

I watched The Witcher the past few days.

It’s a new series on Netflix, based on a series of books and stories by Polish author Andrej Sapkowski. It was also turned into a series of video games, as well as a Polish TV show and film. This new Netflix version is an American version. I just saw an article this morning about the new series being the highest rated Netflix original series on IMDB.

One general thought I have about the show is that it feels a little inconsistent. This first series is 8 episodes. The first few episodes have some pretty extreme violence: heads being chopped off onscreen – that sort of thing. Then a couple of episodes that seemed a bit less violent, but also a little less interesting. It jumps back and forth between two timelines, which I didn’t realize until half-way through the series, then it all comes together in the last few episodes.

The Witcher is the title, but also one of the main characters. He is a wandering, magical monster-hunter. In each episode he has a sort of self-contained adventure in a different place dealing with a different creature. Which means in each episode, there are new characters introduced, who we mostly never see again. So there are a lot of relationships or stories, perhaps, that aren’t really developed, though it seems like there’s more going on there. Perhaps the books do much better in developing those characters.

Okay, so that’s all general stuff about the show. The main thing that prompted this blog is the nudity. There’s nudity in this show. The amount of nudity is also a little inconsistent. There are a few episodes with what might be called “partial male nudity” – that is, a bare butt. And some bare male chests here and there. There is one main female character who is nude or topless in quite a few scenes throughout the 8 episodes. And there are two group nude scenes – one is an orgy, induced by magic, and the other is, I think, an illusion of a bunch of women and some men sort of... I don’t know, “frolicking” maybe?

There is sometimes a casualness about the nudity in this show, but (this being an American show) it’s always presented in a way that’s sexual or that seems intended to be enticing. There are no clearly visible genitalia in the show. There is some blurry background frontal nudity. But, like most commercial TV/film nudity (again, this being an American show) there’s a clear reluctance/refusal to show genitalia, even in a clearly adult program. It seems to me a weirdly simultaneous prudish and prurient attitude about nudity and sexuality.

I find the fact that those two scenes of group nudity were both prompted by magic to be... interesting. It suggests that people wouldn’t normally be naked in a group. Of course, I think people should be naked in groups more often. I mean generally, not just for an orgy. I think seeing people naked – just normal people – would help tremendously to ease our culture’s discomfort with what human bodies actually look like and help us have a more realistic sense of what’s “normal.”

Well, I’ve written a lot about those things elsewhere. So, moving on...

Here’s the thing I really wanted to write about, the thing which I found surprising. I don’t recall noticing this before in any other commercial TV or film. All of the topless women in the show (in the group nude scenes, as well as that one main character) had similar sized breasts, with similar nipples and areolas.

I’m a photographer, and I do take nude photos (among other things). So, I’ve seen people naked. But even if I weren’t a photographer, I’m sure a quick google search would show me that, like lots of other body parts, breasts and nipples and areolas come in significant range of sizes. There’s a lot of variety out there in size. You’d think that would be reflected in a group nude scene. And I’m not even talking about the extremes on either end of the size range – just normal, average, variation in a population. 

I’m wondering who cast this show and insured that all the breasts looked a certain way? I don’t recall there being another female character with lines who was topless, so mostly these were “extras.” I know at some auditions they “type out” various people who don’t have the right look. But did they do that with breasts? Or was that part of the casting breakdown? Seriously, the more I think about it, the weirder it is. 

Okay. So, that’s my little rant. I don’t know that’s it’s really a rant. Just something weird that I noticed. As always, comments are welcome. 

Too soon Santa... (and other humbug)

I remember seeing Santa at the end of a Thanksgiving parade once, when I was a kid, and thinking it was weird. It wasn’t Christmas; it was Thanksgiving. Too soon Santa, too soon. Why does it always have to be about you, old man?

Within my lifetime the celebration of Christmas has lengthened by about a month. It starts a month earlier than it did when I was little. It used to be early December. But he time I was a teenager, it was right after Thanksgiving. And now it's November first. Some stores are starting to put out Christmas stuff before Halloween even. WTF!? (Maybe viewing Halloween as the time you’re supposed to start thinking about Christmas is the fault of the people who made the Nightmare Before Christmas.) What is driving this desire to celebrate Christmas for such a long period of time? Is it just ordinary consumerism? Or is it an unconscious desire to find or manufacture some kind of happiness and distraction from the horror of our contemporary lives? 

For those of us, like me (yes, yes, it’s always about me), who do not have friends or loved ones with whom they will be celebrating a winter holiday, I fear that the Christmas lovers’ emphasis on “Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! It’s CHRISTMAS!!!” for the last two months of the year only serves to remind us of how sad and pathetic our lives are, how desperately alone we are. 

So, come on holly, jolly Christmas-ers, tone it down. And save it for later. (Have you never heard of delayed gratification?) Also, maybe take some time and look at the people you know who aren’t celebrating, who aren’t donning their gay apparel. Maybe include them a little. I mean, really include them, not just do a Christmas-greeting drive-by. You don’t have to adopt them for the month, just... I don't know, check and see how they’re doing. Maybe they don’t want to go to your party; then again, maybe they do. But they’re certainly not going to invite themselves. Ya know, Scrooge wasn’t always a bitter old guy. There’s a reason he’s that way. However – back to my original point – two months of mindless and shallow holiday cheer is not going to bring him around. (And by him, I mean me. As I said, it’s always about me. Isn’t it?)

Why I left

Someone told me last night that they heard a rumor about me. So, here’s my response to that rumor. Yes, I left a show. However, there was no throwing of anything, nor was there any “storming out.”

I guess, in a way, it’s nice to know that people are thinking about me and talking about me. But I would prefer you talk TO me. You’ll at least get accurate information. Of course, I understand that you may prefer to share a juicy story. But this one is just not true.

Here’s what is true.

I had some very basic problems with a director. I gave it a lot of thought and concluded that for my own mental and artistic health I needed to not continue in that situation. I also realized that my leaving the show would be the least damaging solution for the production and the theatre. I emailed the producers, and we had a series of meetings. There was no happy solution, just a confirmation that there were serious problems, including a significant disagreement about a basic artistic principle on which the director and I were unwilling to budge.

I told the producers that I had discreetly asked around but been unable to find anyone I could confidently recommend who was available to replace me. And I told them I would be willing to keep looking to help them find someone, if they wanted me to. They didn’t say much one way or the other about that. I complied a detailed list of everything I thought a replacement music director would need to know: what I’d already taught; what probably needed more work; band members contact info; etc. I sent an email to the band members and pit singers to let them know I was not continuing as music director and that they could contact the stage manager for more information. Over the next few days, I finished the work I had been doing on the band parts and sent that to the lead producer. (The show is written for 18+ musicians, and we were doing it with 8, so I had been working on and off for a month, putting together a version that would work. Also, that particular score and parts are notoriously full of mistakes.)

So. I didn’t just walk out of a show. I was angry, but it was not an emotional decision. I have known people who walk out of shows, semi-regularly. That’s not me. This is only the second time in the 25 or so years I have been doing music direction that I have left a show. Yes, I am passionate, but I am not rash nor thoughtless. And if you really know me, you’ll know that I am honest and direct. If you hear something about me, you can ask me about it. Then, you’ll hear first-hand information, and just maybe we’ll get to know each other a little better in the process.

My Depression

I’m depressed. Very depressed. I’m pretty much always depressed. That’s just my life, that’s how it is. But right now I’m in a more intense than usual depression. I suspected recently that it would happen, as I have very little on my schedule for the next few months. But it hit really quickly. In fact I think it even started before I finished my last gig.

Usually this sort of more intense depressive episode takes the form of my sitting around and feeling... well, depressed. But also angry, and resentful, and worthless, and various other negative feelings. I find myself alone, without any significant connections to other people. And when I try to reach out, to connect, I am rebuffed. Or, maybe worse, ignored. And the occasional “I hope you feel better soon” type of comments on Facebook, or whatever, while I’m sure are well-intentioned, do not help. In fact, they only underscore the basic problem of a lack of real connection. So then I’m either angry or resentful at other people for their not wanting to reciprocate actual friendship. Or I side with them and agree that they shouldn’t want to spend time with me. Because, really, what do I have to offer anyone? I’m miserable, bitter, full of complaints, and basically boring. Who would want to be around that? 

Then I think about the past, and how there have been times when I didn’t feel this way. I used to have friends. I used to have a girlfriend. We lived together for a few years. I used to enjoy at least some of my work. And I used to get a lot of pleasure from writing. I used to not be dangerously broke. (I have way too much free time. These serious depressive episodes don’t happen when I’m busy.) I think about all that stuff. But I never can figure out exactly what went wrong. Well, sometimes I’ll focus on something to blame. But as much as I’d like to be able to blame one person or one event, I know it can’t have been one life event that caused it to all go wrong. It’s a lot of things that are probably connected.

Anyway, I sit around and feel bad and hate life. And basically hate myself. A few years ago it got so bad that I started worrying for myself. Not that I was going to do something harmful to myself, but that I might become negligent and just not care enough to be careful. I went on walks next to busy streets without my glasses and with no ID or anything. Once, while crossing a bridge, I looked down at the cars going underneath, and wondered what would happen if I fell. And I thought about death a bit. Not about suicide – I don’t think I was actually suicidal. It was a little more philosophical. But I was definitely in a bad place. And I scared myself. The thing is, after I realized how bad it was, and feeling scared, I think I started acting a little different, a little healthier. But I can’t remember what I started doing. Eventually, I had a gig – a show I started rehearsing.

Now my depression is taking a different form. I just want to sleep. To nap in the afternoons, mainly. I’m not doing much of anything these days. That’s the biggest danger for me – nothing going on in my life, nothing to distract me, nothing to take up very much of my time. And unfortunately, for the past 5 years or so, I’ve had a lot of weeks and months even, with little or nothing on my calendar. Combined, of course, with my usual lack of people in my life. 

These days, in the mornings I can find a few things to do: wash dishes from the previous night; watch youtube clips from the previous night's Late Show, or other youtube channels I subscribe to; maybe read a little bit. But by early afternoon, I’m just sitting around looking for something on netflix that won't bore me to death or make me more depressed because it’s about love, or friendship, or close family relationships, or people coming together to work toward a goal and bonding through their common struggles. And it’s not easy to find something that doesn’t fit one of those categories. So I end up napping. Not every day. So that’s good. Not taking a nap feels like I’ve won a battle. Not the war, just that day’s battle. When I say I nap, I don’t mean a 15 or 20 minute “power nap.” I actually mean sleeping, restlessly, off and on for 5 hours or so. It’s easy to do that. It’s not satisfying, but it’s easy. And motivating myself to do anything else takes so much effort. I can’t even really describe how difficult it is. I’ve never been very good at inventing busy work to distract myself. I have unfinished plays and musicals that I could be working on. But, again, the amount of energy that would take seems insurmountable. I think I’d like to do a photoshoot. It’s been about 2 months since the last one I did. But I have no one who’s interested (or interested enough to actually do it). And I might feel the same reluctance to put forth the energy.

On top of that, my body hurts. I’m out of shape. I know that exercise would be good for me, just in a general sense, but also specifically it would help with depression. But I just can’t. Honestly, sometimes I get winded going up the stairs in my apartment. That sounds like an exaggeration, a joke, but it really isn’t. So if I do get up the energy to actually do something, I feel so tired afterwards. And sometimes sore as well. Oh, and speaking of “getting up the energy...” Yeah, my sex drive seems diminished. Maybe not the desire to have sex, but the ability to perform. Not that I’m having sex. I haven’t had sex with another person in a very long time. So long a time that I sometimes doubt that I would be able to have satisfying sexual relations with someone. I mean, I might be “satisfied,” but the other person probably wouldn’t. Or, being so out of shape, I’d probably just end up hurting myself. How sad is that? Really, that’s pathetic. But I don’t realistically need to worry about being a bad sexual partner. I don’t have anyone who wants to just hang out and be friends, much less have sex with me. Just another thing to be depressed about. I haven’t even had that much sex in my life. Most of my life I have been single and not sleeping with anyone. And I can easily imagine never having sex with anyone ever again. Also sad.

So I sort of sleep a lot these days. It’s not great sleep. Usually there’s a lot of waking up, trying to get comfortable, sometimes just wondering how long it’ll be before I go back to sleep. You know, that kind of awful sleep. And unlike my typical more intense depressions, I don’t seem to be feeling things very deeply. Sometimes the normal depression (a.k.a. feeling shitty about myself and everything in life) comes for a visit. But it doesn’t really linger for hours at a time, the way I’m used to. A lot of the time I just sit here, or lay here, not feeling much of anything. Well, sometimes feeling very little. Other times feeling sort of helpless, and pointless, and powerless to do much about it.

It’s just...depressing.

a rhino died, and here's what I'm sayin'

While driving home from a rehearsal tonight, I heard on the radio a conversation about extinction. Specifically, about the recent death oath of the last male northern white rhino, but also about the wave of species extinctions happening in the world today.

I heard them talk about human impact, about loss of habit, and climate change, and poachers, and a little about economic pressures. But the host and guest of whatever this program was did not once mention human overpopulation. You know, the fact that there are outrageously high numbers of humans on this planet. There are WAY too many of us. As of the end of last year, we are estimated at 7.6 BILLION humans. I never hear anyone talk about this anymore. When I was a kid, and there were only about 4 billion of us, you heard people talk about it. It was a growing concern. A problem. Well, apparently no longer.

Here’s my real point. We humans do some horrible things to each other, to other species (both animals and plants), and to the planet in general. It would be great if we could stop doing bad things. But... WE’RE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO STOP DOING BAD THINGS TO THE PLANET. But the one thing that would make climate change and species extinction and all the other shit less of a problem is to have A LOT few humans here on the planet.

Now, I’m not comfortable saying that we should just kill off a bunch of people. But I am comfortable saying this:
Maybe we should stop treating every human birth like it’s a magical miracle from heaven. And maybe we should stop treating every human death as if it’s such a horrific tragedy that can be accepted. Maybe, just maybe, we don’t need to fight and struggle to keep every human alive and reproducing. Oh yeah! And maybe we don’t need that antibacterial hand sanitizer a dozen times a day.

It’s as if we’ve decided that every natural check on population just doesn’t pertain to us. We’re somehow special. Yep, so special that we’re fucking over tons of other species just to prove the point. And the thing is, if we keep going, we’re going to prove the opposite. That we humans can’t make as many of ourselves as we want to.

Anyway... There are too many people already. We need to slow down on the baby-making. A lot fewer humans could chop down some trees, and kill some animals, and burn some fossil fuels, and even use that hairspray with chlorofluorocarbons. All that wouldn’t be great for the environment, but the earth could probably handle it. But 7½ billion humans doing that is insane. And we don’t seem to give a fuck anymore. Just like America has pretty much accepted that we’re okay with mass shootings and other such violence, we’ve “civilized” humans have pretty much accepted that we’re going to make this planet unlivable for ourselves and many other species.

Well, get ready, cockroaches. Your chance is coming. 

Birthday wish list

My birthday is coming up soon. (Update: Actually, it’s today) If you’re thinking you should go buy me something, stop, don’t. Also, if you’re thinking, “I’ll have to go write something on his facebook page,” also, stop, don’t. 
Oh! And you know how sometimes people will say, “don’t do this thing,” but you think what they actually mean is to do it...stop, don’t. Instead, read this, and then do something on the list.

Most people just don’t know me well enough to have a realistic idea of something I need or would want to have. And, unlike many of you who feel #blessed that so many people thought of you on your birthday (when it was really just the facebook telling them it was your birthday), I find facebook birthday wishes to be an annoying reminder of my lack of meaningful relationships.

So, if you like me (or want me to like you) and want to do something that I would actually appreciate for my birthday, here’s a list. (And if I think of more stuff, I’ll add it.) You don't have to do this ON my birthday. My schedule happens to be extremely open the next few weeks. And, in general, I have too much free time all year ‘round. 

- If you’re 18 or older, model for me. Preferably nude, though I do clothed shoots as well.

- Ask me if there might be a role that’s right for you in my upcoming Fringe Festival show. Or volunteer as a stage manager or other off-stage work.

- Read a script of mine, and give me some actual feedback. Or organize a table reading and feedback session with enough people to cover all the roles.

- Find a theatre interested in producing a show that few people have ever seen (or, in some cases, no one has seen). Or hire me to write something new.

- If you’re a classical musician, perform something I’ve written. I’ve got tons of chamber music and art songs, many of which have never been heard in public. You could premiere something. Or commission a new work. This also applies to choreographers – I’ve written music for dance, too.

- Hire me for a gig, especially one that plays well, and especially working with competent people.

- Come hang out with me and have an in-person conversation that is not necessarily related to the show we’re rehearsing. Or come have a drink. This is probably the easiest thing on this list. It only requires time and effort.

- Get me a massage. Or give me a massage. Or even get a massage from me - I used to do that a bit. It was nice, actually having contact with another human.

- This one is pretty unlikely. (Then again, maybe they all are.) Find me a girlfriend. This would require finding out what I like and dislike in people. Also the things I find attractive in a woman (which are many of the same traits, plus a nice butt.) 

- Of course, if you want to throw a big party for me that takes a lot of effort, and invite people I know that you don’t necessarily know but had to find on facebook and then find out if I’m actually friends with them...I guess that would be okay. 

I suppose many of these things on this list are just a way of encouraging people to be my friend in real life and not just on the facebook. I can appreciate that it might be hard to be my friend. Perhaps you think of me as being overly critical and/or demanding. Then again, if you only know me as a music director, I would argue that is part of my job.

You could even engage me in conversation about the things can make you uncomfortable with me. Oo! If you're one of those people who feel uncomfortable with my photography, you could start a discussion with me about that. I was just saying the other day that people commenting TO ME about my photography is actually somewhat uncommon, if not rare.

political ramblings from last fall

I was cleaning out files on my computer, and I found this. It is a blog I started (and never finished) shortly after the presidential election (November 2016). I tried to flesh it out a bit, but it’s just several snippets on the topic of politics. So...enjoy? 

____________________________

I fear that we who think of ourselves as liberal, progressive, even moderate will close our eyes to the real takeaway from this election. After our shock and anger and sadness fade, after we assuage our pain with platitudes of love and family and community, we’ll simply move on without examining this whole election. All these calls for love and respect – I worry they will in reality equal doing nothing. They are simply another version of the “thoughts and prayers” that conservative offer whenever some mass shooting occurs: ultimately meaningless.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

We ignore things. We worry and complain about them when they come up – the problem of the Electoral College, for example – and then we forget about it, until 4 or 8 or 12 years later when it comes up again. We know it’s a problem, a fixable problem, but we don’t fix. We don’t even make and attempt to fix. When Hillary Clinton’s supporters had to keep trying to convince people that even though they may not like her, they should still vote for her, is that not a big red flag? When the Democratic party possibly fudges the primary votes in favor of a candidate, is that not a big red flag? Apparently not, because mostly we ignore all that, too. Instead, we prefer to blame anybody who supported or, god forbid, actually voted for a third-party candidate.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

Donald Trump was right, in a sense, when he said the electoral system is rigged – just in a more complex way than he meant. Our government, on most levels, is monopolized by an entrenched two-party system. An us-versus-them/all-or-nothing/winning-at-the-expense-of-right-and-reason system. And these parties have no obligation to be “fair” because they make their own rules. But the big thing that keeps them in power is they have the infrastructure to get their candidates on the ballot, the money to advertise, and they’ve convinced the population that other parties aren’t serious options. The inclusion of any third-party candidates in mainstream political discussion, much less in an actual debate, is rare. All of our “institutions” in this country tell the same story about candidates outside of the Democrat and Republican parties: that they’re unrealistic, no chance of winning, at best (or worst) steals votes from the serious legit candidates.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

I suspect that many voters weren’t paying attention to every speech given by the candidates, nor to all the specifics of any party’s platform. A lot of people just voted AGAINST Hillary Clinton, because of what she represents to them, which is:

- an entrenched political elite out of touch with the average person

- a political class who speaks in “talking points” and bases decisions on focus groups

- a politician who tells you what you want instead of asking you

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

Significant government reform – real changes in what gets done and what doesn’t – may be simply be impossible without first getting the influence of money out of government. Campaign finance reform – that’s a good starting place. Publicly-funded election campaigns mean that candidates aren’t beholden to their major donors whenever those donors’ pet issues come up. And, I suspect, directly related to campaign finance is the way lobbyists work. Companies and organizations with money to throw around in support of their agendas hire people to wine and dine and chat up our representatives, to the point that they’re no longer OUR representatives. I think our justice system is in on it, too, when they rule that corporations are “people” and that money is “speech.” I want to say it’s insane, but it’s much worse than that – it’s devious; it’s evil; it’s repugnant. 

that school I worked at that one time

This morning I saw a facebook friend’s post about a former facebook friend getting a “prestigious” job at a private Christian college. I refrained from commenting on the post. The post was all about “congratulations to my friend, blah, blah,” and the comment that came to my mind was, “I worked there. Could not stand it. So fake. Left after one semester.” 

I didn’t post that comment. But it’s on my mind. (Apparently, I have too much free time to just have a thought then let it go.) So I’m writing about it here. 

I worked there. Could not stand it. So fake. Left after one semester. I told them half-way through the semester that I wouldn’t be staying. I worked as an accompanist in the music and theatre programs. I took the job because I had nothing lined up after a New Hampshire summer stock season which left me with not enough money to go back to NYC. Someone I knew at college posted on the facebook that the school where he was now teaching voice needed an accompanist. So I wrote him, and the school hired me on his recommendation. 

All I knew was that it was a private college – actually, it had recently become a university – that had some connection to a church. I had in the past worked at a private college that had some relationship with the Methodist Church. At that “Methodist” school, there were probably a lot higher percentage of religious students than you’d find at a state school. But it wasn’t an extremely religious atmosphere. So, I thought I had an idea of what I was getting into at this other school. 

This other school – I’ll go ahead and name it: the University of Mobile. It’s not actually in Mobile, but no one’s going to attend the “University of Saraland.” 

The Univeristy of Mobile is not a seminary, nor a bible college. When I was there, they described it to me as “a liberal arts school with a Christian perspective.” Now (I saw this on the link my facebook friend posted this morning), the school describes itself as “a Christ-centered liberal arts and sciences institution.” They are affiliated with the Baptist Church. I don’t think you have to be a Baptist to go there or work there. I wasn’t. I’m not (and have never been) a Christian. Now, if I had been teaching there and not just an accompanist, I would have had to make a profession of faith, because they would have considered me responsible for the students’ moral upbringing. 

The atmosphere there was not what I expected, not like the other school where I had worked. It was very religious and kind of disturbing. The students also had to make a profession of faith. This was a school where they would (maybe still do?) kick you out if you’re discovered to be engaging in homosexual activity. That is, unless they think you’re a significant addition to the program – you’re a really great singer or whatever – that they want to keep you there, so instead of kicking you out, they a big prayer session over you. 

It was so very fake. A lot of public praying – prayers generously peppered with the right church-y catch phrases, to let everybody who hears you know that you’re the right kind of person (or maybe the right kind of Christian?). It was like they were so “Christ-focused” that they couldn’t see how mediocre they were making their performances. When I say “Christ-focused” what I really mean is that they were busy trying to make everything they did nice and pretty and not possibly offensive or challenging to anyone because Conservative-American-Jesus wouldn’t want that. But that is not what art is about. It’s not what a higher education is about. 

And it wasn’t just about the music. There was a woman (an administrative assistant) who’s job it was at one big multiple group concert to check that all the young women’s dresses looked right – the right length or style of whatever. I don’t think any of the female students in that performance wore anything other than a dress. (Because that wouldn’t look right.) The appearance of righteousness and right-ness was obviously more important than the substance of things. I was told twice by the head of the department that I shouldn’t (or couldn’t – he had a slippery way of getting people to agree to things without sounding like he was outright telling you what to do. It took me a couple of conversations with him to realize it. I think of him as a snake-oil salesman.) talk about certain things – like the fact that I wasn’t a Christian – because “we don’t want to confuse the students.” 

Here’s the thing, though... At that level of education – a “liberal arts” university – maybe you DO want to confuse the students a little. You want to present complex ideas and encourage them to think and perhaps learn to deal with conflicting information, information that may not fit conveniently into your previous understanding. In my resignation letter to the department head, I said something that I hoped he would understand: as you mature, a time comes to “put away childish things.” (That’s from the Bible.) He liked to say that they were “training the next generation of lay leaders in the church.” I told him that if he wanted the church to do something other than shrivel away, those future leaders needed to learn how to deal with complex and uncomfortable realities. Things like the fact that I might be good at my job and have something worthwhile to contribute without sharing their belief system. 

This was 8 years ago. It hadn’t occurred to me then that “the church’s” future could be in more prejudice and fear and ignorance. I don’t know if that’s what happening in “the church” today. But that’s what seems to be happening with conservative America today. I have no current involvement with churches or church-affiliated groups. I’ve had it. I grew up going to church. We had to – my parents were the ministers. I’ve seen too much hypocrisy and bullshit. I’ve met too many people who say “I know what I believe,” yet know little or nothing about their church’s history or doctrine. People who are religious, but can’t hold a real conversation about religion because they’re just plain ignorant about it. 

I admit my intolerance of religion. Whenever I see people’s facebook posts of Bible verses or about how great God is and how He provides, or when I see people praying off to the side – or right there in front – before a performance or something, instead of going into your room and locking the door to pray privately (that’s in the Bible), I cringe. I retreat. I recognize that those people are probably not my people, even if they have other appealing qualities, like a sense of humor, or being a great performer, or being really intelligent. (And that one is the heart-breaker: really intelligent, educated, moderate-to-liberal people of faith, who never apply that intellect to their belief, unless it’s as an apologist. I just don’t get it.) 

I understand that for some people religion or faith or “spirituality” is a balm. I understand that we humans evolved with spiritual questions (about the nature of existence and out part in the scheme of things) much the same way that we evolved with language and story-telling, with tool use, with group identification. And all those things are still part of what makes us human. So, while I can’t reasonably expect humanity to entirely give up religion, or the need to seek answers to those kinds of questions, I (and we all) can and should hope that humanity lets certain things fall away when they’re no longer serving a beneficial purpose. Fall away, like the leaves that are falling off the trees right now outside my window. Those leaves will be replaced eventually. And I hope that hypocritical, fear-and-ignorance-based religions will be replaced by something useful. 

Oh! To put a nice, little, bring-it-all-back-to-my-original-starting-point bow on it... I didn’t make that comment on my facebook friend’s post, because this rant of mine has run to well over 1000 words, and who wants that on their facebook?

So, is this a poem, or what?

You were in my dream last night.
Not really you, though. I know that.

Just a copy, a doppelganger, maybe. A shadow left on my brain, 

but with dim eyes, and a small voice. A pale ghost.
A reminder
of things I thought were done and gone.

And I didn’t know 

if I should run to you or run away,
so I tortured myself instead. 

I opened up the dried box of my heart, 

looking for the words to say
or the feelings to feel that will make sense of it,
and let me be unstuck at last.


Now I lay here in bed, afraid to sleep again, 

afraid to see you,
afraid it’ll all start over again. 

I dreamed last night I got on the boat to heaven... 

Uh, no.

I dreamed last night that I was in actor housing somewhere I didn’t recognize, doing some show which was never specified in the dream. I didn’t know anyone else there, except one woman. She had been in a show I did about 9 years ago. 

This woman and I – when we did this show in real life – had a difficult...I don't know what to call it. It wasn’t a crush I had, and I wasn’t “in love” with her...okay, maybe I was, but it was more like I was insane about her. If you’ve ever heard, in some poetic context, “he was undone by her,” that is what it was. I was undone. And nothing sexual or romantic ever happened between us, but there was clearly this big thing that she didn’t want to deal with. So, I had a difficult whatever it was. She never would talk to me about it. Within a month or two I wrote 13 songs about her and a 10-minute play about her. Well, the play was more about me wanting her and not having her. She’s the reason I ran away to the beach that winter for 3 or 4 months and did nothing. 

So that’s who was in this dream. It was definitely, unambiguously her. I recognized her, and she recognized me. In this dream I didn’t have the same feelings as 9 years ago. But I also wasn’t pissed off at her, as I would expect. The last real life interaction we had – the only interaction since a few months after that show closed, when I decided I couldn’t keep trying to talk to her if she wasn’t going to talk to me about whatever the thing between us had been – was a couple of cryptic facebook messages from her which I responded to, then got angry about when she didn’t follow up.

In this dream last night, I was attracted to her, but not “undone,” though I was a little wary...suspicious, maybe. But definitely curious what was going on with her. She seemed a little flirty and a little aloof – not precisely at the same time. (That would be quite a trick.) Obviously, in this dream, it was not actually her – just some avatar of her apparently still wandering around in my subconscious. 

I’m not much of a believer. Someone once described me as generally agnostic, not only about religion but about things in general. So, while I find dreams curious sometimes, I don’t give a lot of significance to them. I hadn’t thought of her in a while, and probably the last several, or many, times I did think of her, it was just a quick, passing, shallow sort of thought: one time I did this show, and the woman who played that role – I totally crazy about her. But now, this morning, I am wondering about her, wondering what’s she’s doing these days, wondering what her experience was 9 years ago. And I’m even thinking about writing her. I don’t know what the purpose of that would be. Am I looking for closure? Or something else? I don’t know.

A few years ago, I wrote someone in an attempt to repair a damaged friendship. I sort of “extended an olive branch.” And it was clearly refused. It was as if that person didn’t want to be friends with me if it required effort. If I did write this “9 years ago” woman, it wouldn’t be the same situation. But that damaged friendship, along with the failure of various recent attempts (well, a year or two ago) to really be friends with people outside of rehearsals for a show, have suggested to me that people just don’t want to change the nature of their current relationship with others, especially if it takes any kind of effort. When you meet a new person, that new relationship is full of possibility. But once you have an established relationship, of whatever type (for me it’s overwhelmingly “friendly acquaintances”) it’s really hard to change that relationship, except when one of you gets angry or offended by the other person. 

Anyway... That’s my morning so far. How’s yours going?

tech rehearsal nomenclature

Dear people who do theatre, 

I’ve noticed lately some misuse of certain words and phrases for technical rehearsals. So, here’s a public service announcement. It’s going to be long, but if you do theatre (especially community theatre), you should at least skim through this, and share it with your friends. You may be using these phrases incorrectly.  

A “tech rehearsal” is a rehearsal WITH THE ACTORS in which the focus is the technical elements of the production: lighting, sound, sets, props, costumes. This is generally the rehearsal where these elements are added for the first time, though there may be some props or costume pieces, etc., that have been used already in rehearsals. Typically, cast and crew work through the entire show, often stopping, going back and re-doing some light cue or sound cue or scene change or quick costume change. You may go back and do a particular cue several times until it works. 

This can be a long, taxing rehearsal. In the professional (equity) productions I’ve done, tech is a “10 out of 12” day, meaning it’s a 12-hour rehearsal in which the cast gets a 2-hour lunch or dinner break. In community theatre it’s often more like a rehearsal on Sunday from sometime mid-afternoon “until we finish.” I’ve done shows where the tech rehearsal was broken up into two days, either purposely scheduled that way, or decided in the moment because it was getting late and we were nowhere close to being done with tech. 

Some people (and theatres) seem to want to skip this kind of tech rehearsal, and instead they end up stretching it out over the entire tech week, adding a few more tech elements every night – even to the point of adding a few last minutes things on opening night. Perhaps calling that entire week before the show opens “tech week” contributes to this misunderstanding. It shouldn’t be that you add the tech elements throughout this entire week, but rather that this is the week in which you work with all the tech elements. You should plan to have all the tech elements in place not by opening night but by the tech rehearsal, which then gives a production several rehearsals between tech and opening for the actors and the crew to work with and get used to all the tech elements. It also provides a buffer of several days to discover if something isn’t working and needs to be changed. 

If you’re doing a musical, do not call the band for a tech rehearsal. It is a waste of their time and your money. (You are paying them, right? Please, tell me you’re paying them.) 

You may run through all of a show during a tech rehearsal, OR it may be a “cue-to-cue.” This means you work one technical cue – lighting, scene change, etc. – repeating as needed, then you skip ahead to the next technical cue. So you skip over bits of scenes in which there is no technical cue. This is still a tech rehearsal, so THE ACTORS ARE THERE ON STAGE. 

A tech rehearsal without the actors is called a “dry tech.” This is a rehearsal with the stage manager, the tech crew, likely the designers and director (but not necessarily). In a dry tech, you may run or work or fix many of the technical elements of the show. 

I don’t know if there’s a specific term for when the director and lighting &/or sound designer(s) sit in the theatre talking about and building various cues without other tech crew and such. I’d probably call it something like “setting the light cues,” though it may fall under the category of dry tech. And, of course, there will be times when the lighting designer and some other tech crew or other folks are in the theatre physically adjusting the lights, adding gels or gobos or whatever. I don’t know what that’s called. Perhaps that’s also within this dry tech category. 

A meeting in which the director, light and sound and costume designers, and perhaps others, discuss the technical elements, possibly even talking through scene changes, lighting cues, etc., is called a “paper tech.” No one is actually moving things around or setting light cues and such – you may not even be in the theatre – but probably people are writing things down. 

A paper tech is a bit like a production meeting, but it’s specifically about the tech elements for a production. You’re talking through scene changes and costume changes, lighting and sound, etc. A producer (or artistic director or board member?) may not necessarily be there, as you would expect in a production meeting. You won’t be discussing ticket sales, nor PR, nor casting – none of that stuff. 

There. Those are different types of tech rehearsals. Please start using these phrases correctly. If I’ve missed or gotten something completely wrong, do let me know. I'll update this. 

Okay. Rant over. 

(For now.)