I “came out” in college. I was a straight then and still am. But I thought it would be an interesting experiment. There was a friend of mine, Jay, who had recently come out. It was surprising to me, because I didn’t think he seemed “the type”. He wasn’t flamboyant or effeminate or any of those things. In other words, he wasn’t a walking, talking stereotype. That’s not really what I expected of gay people, but it was sort of in there, in my head. I had some other friends at that point who were gay. It wasn’t a big deal. But I think that was the first time someone had come out to me, someone who wasn’t already generally “out of the closet”. Jay and I became roommates later, along with a third guy, and Jay always thought it was really funny that if someone we didn’t know had come into that apartment only knowing that one of us was gay, they’d most likely think it was me. At that point, I was probably playing for the opera, maybe some musicals, accompanying dance classes. And I’ve never been terribly “butch”; I don’t engage in a lot of obvious alpha-male behavior. So of course, that means I would be “the gay”.
Anyway, after Jay came out, I was thinking about sexual identity and coming out, and decided I’d give it a go. Not being gay, but coming out. (There have been times when, due to my general lack of success with women and occasional consequent unhappiness, I have wondered if maybe I’m gay. But I can very securely say that no, I’m not. I like women, and men just don’t do it for me.) So I went around to lots of people I knew and did the whole spiel: “There’s something I want to tell you; my family and some friends already know, but I feel I’m ready to let everybody know; it’s not anything that has to change our relationship, I’m still the same person, but I just wanted you to know that I am a heterosexual.” There were some variations, but that was basically the speech. And the whole time I would watch the person to see them react.
With most people there was a moment mid-spiel when they realized what (they thought) I was going to say. And why wouldn’t there be? I was using every coming out cliché that I could think of. Some people would interrupt me, very proud that they’d figured it out before I got to the end, and would say “Chris, are you gay!?” And then I would just sort of finish, and they’d seem almost disappointed or hurt. I suppose that was right of them to feel, because in a way I’d played a trick on them.
I remember one guy—and he was the type you might expect to come out one day (I once described that type as the north-Alabama youth pastor type: a bit flamboyant with no overt sexual interests and very much in love with God/Jesus and his mamma)—who just seemed to be listening, not reacting, until I got to the end, “heterosexual”, and he exclaimed “Chris, no!” Like many people, he picked up on the context clues and his brain heard me say “homosexual”. I just remember his reaction in particular, because his voice got high-pitched (this is a guy who once in my car as I took a turn a little too quick for his taste, grabbed the little handle above the passenger-side door and literally sang “Shit!”), and he seems so upset that I could be gay. It went against his Southern, religious upbringing (He did become a preacher).
And then there were the people who, after I finished, would start to respond, then get a wry look on their face as their brain told them “Hey, he didn’t say what we thought he was gonna say.” I guess those were the folks who knew my funny or witty or sarcastic tendencies. Or, as I thought of it then, the smart ones. Of course, I think of myself as smart, but I would almost certainly be one of the interrupters. I recently had a conversation (or discussion—is that better, Julia?) about how my brain jumps ahead and interprets what it’s hearing without waiting to hear the second part. It just seems to do that on its own. So maybe the ones who interrupted are the smart ones too, ‘cause they figured out pretty quick what ought to go in the blank. Or maybe they’re just impatient...or show offs. (Is that me, an impatient show-off?)
I would like the moral of this story to be something else, something like “support your friends and loved ones and strangers who come out because we’re all just people who need love”. But I realize the story doesn’t really support that. I guess the actual moral is that “most if not all of us make assumptions and judgments that may not be true”.
It’s National Coming Out Day, and that’s my coming out story. I know the day isn’t about doing informal social experiments on your friends. So let me say this: stop the hate; stop the condemnation. Those attitudes are based in fear. But you don’t need to be afraid of homosexual people. The “gays” are not out to get us “straights”. Sure there may be the occasional individual who threatens you somehow and happens to be gay, but there are scary straight individuals too. Straight guys out there, if some gay man really wants to have sex with you, then you should feel flattered that someone finds you attractive even if you don’t reciprocate. Or, if he’s really making unwanted, inappropriate advances, now you have some idea of (the beginning of) what a woman might feel when men make those advances toward her. You can feel better about yourself, &/or learn something. Isn’t that a win-win? Well, maybe not.
Anyway...
If you have a religious objection to homosexuality, here’s something for Christians: stop focusing so much on a few passages in the Old Testament and the letters of Paul, etc; look instead at what Jesus supposedly said, you know, the “red-letter” words in some of those Bibles. He was not all about hate, and hell-fire and damnation. He was not all about “don’t”. he was really quite radically about “do” love people and “do” help people and “do” forgive people...even the ones you don’t like or maybe who you don’t think deserve it. Now, if you’re Muslim or Hindu or something, I can’t help much. I just don’t have much background there. Sorry.
In conclusion...love and support your people, no matter their gender preference/identity.
