This feels like a blog (or, My recent note)

So this is something I wrote last night. I considered posting it as a blog originally, but instead I went with a "note" on the facebook. 

I Really Do Want To Know (that's the title of the note)

What the fuck is my problem?

I really do want to know. 

If you have any serious thoughts about this, please send me a message.

I'm not fishing for compliments here. I don't need to hear that I'm smart and talented and blah, blah, blah. In fact, if you tell me that in response to this, I'll probably get mad.

I'm about to turn 40, and I'm thinking about my life lately. I'm not happy. I want to figure out why and what I can do to improve things. 

So if you can help, please do.

Then came the first comment. It was about God and Jesus and the Bible. Here's my response:

Ya know, I actually considered adding a sort of "and I don't wanna hear about Jesus" clause to this.

I'm sure that you really, really, truly believe what you wrote. But I don't, and that's not out of ignorance of the subject. I've looked into it, a lot more than MANY people who would call themselves "believers". And I do not believe it.

I was thinking not too long ago about Jesus, and the "red-letter" stuff he supposedly said. I thought, "what a great thing Christianity could be if more Christians really tried to do those things, instead of paying so much more attention to the Old Testament and Paul's (and others') letters." But I don't believe in Jesus as the "Son of God" any more than I believe in the Santa/Grandpa/Zeus sort of God of the Bible/Torah/Koran & popular imagination.

Now, I know you didn't advise me to "get religion". But it's difficult for me to speak about God and faith and belief without at least addressing religion. Because it's not simply that I don't share your belief. I actually find it harmful. Or at least, I consider that the belief in God and Jesus and the Bible are entwined with a whole other set of things, which I find harmful.

If Christianity and religions in general were simply a matter of individual belief, I would probably just say "Fine, you go believe that and good luck with it." But the reality is that religion(s) and the absolute certainty of belief that many people have (and have had throughout history) has been so awfully damaging to so many people. And I'm not just talking about religious wars, etc. I mean the sort of ongoing damage being done to people when they're taught that so many normal things, desires, whatever, in life are wrong and sinful and evil. And that these things need to be wiped away from your life. All that does is encourage people to repress the "undesirable" thoughts and feelings, whether they really are harmful or not. Repression is not a healthy way to deal with stuff. The "bad" shit always comes out somewhere. And coupled with the guilt of "sinfulness" it can lead to some potentially damaging behavior.

And that's just dealing with yourself. It gets worse when you start dealing with other people, which religion seems to give carte blanche for people to do. Just a few hundred years ago a woman's speaking her mind would've been considered evidence of demonic influence. Such a woman might have been pronounced a witch and burned at the stake. Religion does that kind of stuff. Still today (in some places), women are stoned to death for things that don't fall cleanly in line with the accepted beliefs about God and how to live.

So, while I appreciate your willingness to share what you think might help, I'm really looking for more useful information about me as an individual from people who have interacted with me and might have some feedback. I'm hoping to develop a better idea of who I am. And understanding more the way others perceive me might help.

So, this feels like a blog, and that's why I'm posting it here. I haven't removed the note. I guess I'm just putting it here in case there's anyone who is more inclined to read my blog than a note on the facebook.