I am not a violent person.

I am not a violent person. Truly, I am not. I realize that humans are just smart apes, and sometimes apes get violent. I understand that violence is an inherent part of who we are. But the idea of me personally being violent toward someone just feels so foreign, so very much not a part of who I am. Using violence to solve a problem or, even worse, just because I don’t like someone is just unthinkable.

That being said…

The other morning I noticed this picture:

It was on an ad in that bunch of ads and coupons that arrive together every week or so in my mailbox. It’s an ad for glasses—back to school special or something. Anyway, it caught my eye as I was going into the kitchen to make coffee, and I just thought that kid with those glasses and that expression is just asking to be hit.

Of course, I was immediately horrified by that thought.

And then I wondered why I had that thought. I looked again at the picture and found that I really disliked the kid. With his Bieber-do and that snarky expression and posture…he is NOT cute. He is annoying.

Why would someone approve that picture for an ad? Don’t they see it too? Is it just me? What do you think?

Amanda Palmer and The Daily Mail

Back when I was posting every day (for a year) I posted this sort of thing from time to time, but it’s been a while. Anyway…

So, this happened:

“Making a boob of herself…”

(It’s a review in The Daily Mail of a performance by Amanda Palmer in which there was a “wardrobe malfundtion”, and the review only talked about that. Nothing at all is mentioned about the music, and very little is said about any other aspect of the performance.)

And then this happened:

Good for her.

That’s all.

Goodnight. 

last night’s torture

I woke up in the middle of the night last night, or this morning, I guess...

I don’t know what time. Usually, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I look to see what time it is; then I can think “Ug, it’s whatever o’clock! Why am I awake?”

But this time I didn’t look. I think I was just really deeply asleep and woke up suddenly, which is not the usual way for me. But I woke up with what I assume was acid reflux. There was a little tiny bit of bitter liquid in the back of my mouth. I swallowed it, reflexively, I guess. But this awful taste stayed in my whole mouth. I tried drinking a little water…no help. So I got up, went to the bathroom, and coughed and spit and rinsed, etc. I did that for maybe 5 minutes. IT got a tiny bit better, but not much. I actually felt like maybe I should try to vomit. I didn’t vomit. And I didn’t “try” to.

(I never “try” to vomit. I’ve never made myself vomit. If it happens, it happens.)

Well, when I went back to bed, had a difficult time getting back to sleep. Usually when I wake up in the night, it’s hard to get back to sleep, because my mind is awake. My body is usually tired, but not my brain. But last night, it was the opposite. My brain felt quite tired—I think it was because of having suddenly woken up—but various parts of my body felt awake, energized, as if they had something to do. I don’t mean like restless leg syndrome. But my arm or shoulder or feet or hip or whatever would suddenly feel like it was awake, while the rest of my body was tired. So it couldn’t get comfortable. Then a different part would feel that way.

I have no idea how long this went on, but it seemed a long time. I was dreadful, like a new kind of torture. I’d sort of gotten used to the normal kind of lying in bed awake. I hate it, but I at least know what to expect. But this new thing last night was really annoying. 

“What can we learn from our children?”

I just saw this posted on my facebook timeline.

Tonight I asked [my infant daughter] if she could say "Jesus". She looked deep into my eyes and didn't say anything, but she watched my mouth as I repeated, "Jesus... Jesus". Then, I said, "Do you remember what Jesus looks like? Did you see him before you were born? What does Jesus look like?". She then hugged me tenderly and stayed there for quite awhile. I said His name a few more times, each time with resulting in her hugging/holding me and not letting go.
What can we learn from our children? — feeling blessed.

Well, here’s my answer to the question “What can we learn from our children?”

Your little child doesn’t know what the hell you’re talking about yet. She hugged you because either she was confused or she thought you were confused. But pretty soon, she’ll start saying “Jesus” and thinking there’s a nice little heaven place. And there’s a real lesson here to learn from your children: they start mimicking your behavior and beliefs; they absorb the stuff that’s around them without being able to critically examine it. See, they don’t know any better and that’s how their little infant brains work. (See the movie Jesus Camp for examples.)

Now, the person who posted that isn’t generally stupid. I think that like many people she’s got this intellectual blind spot when it comes to all that Jesus and God and church nonsense. And guess what, it was probably put there when she was a kid, and she never really got over it. So after rebelling somewhat as a young adult, she “came back to the fold”. That is, when things got a little rough in her adult life she reverted to the default setting she learned in childhood: Jesus loves me, and I can let the imaginary God deal with all the stuff I don’t want to think about…Whee!!!

I feel very…

I feel very…helpless? …hopeless? …something-less, lately.

I know I need to do something, to break this habit of doing nothing, of taking a vacation from any sort of useful life. But it’s hard. I feel like I’ve done basically nothing for…well, for years now, really. Maybe that sound like an exaggeration, but that is how I feel. And it’s sort of true. I’ve done relatively little for several years now. Relative to how productive I used to be. I’m not working, and have been significantly underemployed (and sometimes unemployed) for the past 6 years or so. I am writing songs for a show now, but that’s been sort of sporadic.

I’m not working—no income, and nothing to get me out of the apartment. I sit around most of the time, watching Netflix and stuff. I think maybe I’m putting on weight—just a little, but on my frame, a little is noticeable. My pants are tighter than they used to be (well, when I wear pants). I keep telling myself tomorrow or next week or next whenever I’ll do something about it. I’ll exercise; I’ll get out of my apartment; I’ll hang out with people; I’ll look for a job. But that day never comes.

Clearly I’m depressed. It not that unable-to-get-out-of-bed sort of depression you hear about. But I really do feel like I can’t get my shit together. I’m in a rut of dreary blah-ness. No…it’s worse than blah. It’s really more that I feel horrible so much of the time. Sad and despondent. As if I there’s nothing at all in my life that I really care about.

Most nights when I go to bed, I feel like I’m going to have to bear another torturous night of mediocre sleep. Okay, that IS an exaggeration: the nights aren’t quite “torture”. But most of the time sleep is unsatisfying. Weird dreams lately, and a lot of waking up at odd hours and wishing in vain that I could get back to sleep.

The main thing is that I’m alone. Woefully alone. It feels that I basically have no actual friends (And, of course, no “significant other. Not even an insignificant other.) I’ve felt that way for a long time—no friends. I certainly have “acquaintances”. But it seems to me that you should actually spend time with “friends”. Or, if you don’t live nearby, at least communicate often…really communicate, not just “like” each other’s’ facebook posts.

I feel that I have no “people”, you know…my people, my group. I do have a family, relatives. But honestly, I’m just not that close to them. I really never have been. And where they live isn’t “home”. And I’m “out of the loop” of most every loop there is. I need a loop; I need a group; I need people. I need something. And do not, even in jest, tell me that I need Jesus. I will punch you in the face.

Okay, I won’t actually punch you in the face, but that’s mostly because you’re not here in person. No one is here in person. As I’ve already pointed out, that’s the problem. 

conversation with a model

Here is an ad I placed on craigslist a little while back:

Models...Still looking (Greensboro area)

Amateur photographer seeking models for artistic photographs--nudes and implied nudes preferred, but not a must.
No experience needed; age, race, body type not an issue.
Contact me with questions or for samples of my work.
Also seeking interesting locations to photograph.
Serious inquiries only, please.
(Not a paid modeling gig, but you'll get copies of the resulting pictures.)

And here are excerpts from an email/text conversation I had in response to the ad. I have not edited this conversation for grammar, spelling, or content. I’m just cutting large chunks of it, as it was a week’s worth of messages. The italicized bits in brackets summarize what I’ve cut, etc.

HER: im interested but I would like to see some of your work !

[I sent some pictures and links.]

HER: nice pics I would like to work with you .if we do a shoot I would like to do a parts shoot! I love to perform I love to have my body parts photograth its a big turn on for me.the onley thing is I aways were my mask when I am shooting. if you think you can come to me for the shoot I want to do a shoot in my bed room .I know it will take your time and gas .so if you like I will give you a free full bod massage to comolteion for your time after the shoot ! let me know what you think kay.

[She included a few pics of her in the mask. It was dreadful.]

ME: Well, I'm not opposed to some pictures that don't show your face. I've done a few, either with the pose or angle you couldn't see the model's face or it was cropped in that way. And I'd be quite happy to do that sort of thing.
I'm open to meeting up--if that's at your location, that's fine--and seeing what we can come up with.
But I have to be honest and say that particular mask is a little bit disturbing. It's sort of scary...reminiscent of a S&M sort of thing, and that's not really my aesthetic. I'm just concerned that the mask is such a strong image it might throw me off a bit. 

Do you have other, different masks?

HER: sure I will take a few pics for you tomorrow and.if you will download all the pics in my pc so I can see that thy don't have my face in them I will not put on a mask. but I will have to see them befor you leve I have kides and I have to be verey discreet . I love showing my parts for you to shoot just not my face at all in any pic. this is something I love to do it gets me excited knowing someone is taking pics of just my bod parts and I love doing it.i have some sexy outfits I would model for you. and if you come to me it will save me gas and I will give you a full bod rub to comp if you like? I have a massage table and I like to give and receive a good massage.

[We exchanges several more messages. I said I wasn’t so sure about the massage; she said, “no worrys”.]

HER: How about tuesday at 10am?

ME: Sure. I’ll put it on my calendar.

HER: Good i hope you like doing parts shoots thats what i like to shoot! I will do more with my mask on!

HER: Would u like to see a few parts pics idone i have time send u a few?

[She sent some things: close ups of her breasts and vagina.]

HER: Im not a small person but i hope ok with you . I like doing parts in my home in my bed room i.dont have a problem with you touching me if u need to adjust me for the shoot ! Sometimes men get a hard on shooting me no worrys i will give u a massage and get u off on my massage table if u like ? And when we r shooting u can rub oil on me if u think i need it im ok with that.

ME: Um...well, we’ll just have to see how things go.

HER: Lol i just want you to know im comfortable with you touching and all .i see you do a lot of nudes do your models let you touch and rub over there tits and pussy .i get excited when im being photograph i like being touched.

ME: So, that’s not what I do. When I put an ad on craigslist, it wasn’t to find someone to fool around with.

If you wanna do some nudes, I’m totally into that. But if you’re mostly looking to get of...well, I’m not really your guy for that. It’s just not me.

HER: Sorry i did not meen it like that at all .i did a shoot with a model one time and all she talked about was how the guy put his hands on her i just want u to know im ok with that that’s all : )

[I was somewhat concerned, but I thought maybe it would be fine. If I was going to her place for pictures, I could just leave if I felt uncomfortable. So, a few more messages.]

HER: I will i think i give you the wrong impression about me . I just love have a man look at my body it makes me fill good.

ME: Ya know, I think the impression you made is quite clear. And as I said before, I’m interested in making some nice pictures. If you want to do that, we can get together and make that happen.

[It turns out that I was also exchanging messages with her husband. He had a similar style of writing. No sex-talk, though. But I was a little wary of a few things with him—the location, the fact that he contacted me to model for him on a site where I’m listed as a photographer, etc. So, between the red or red-ish flags with each of them, I decided that it was too much. I just wasn’t going to meet with either of them.]

ME: I’m feeling less and less comfortable with the idea of coming out there to work with you guys. So good luck in the future.

HER: I just want to know how this happened ?? R u sure u talking to my hubby?

My hubby says we all good .if u don’t want to come to me i will come to your place . Tomorrow if you want to shoot me? I will do what ever shoot u want !

ME: Well, thanks, but I really don’t’ think this is gonna work out.

HER: That’s ok u have a good night ! This has never happened to me befor lol.

I know its late but my hubby just ask me to ask u if its ok if he calls u .he just wants to talk to u and say hes sorry for the mix up?

ME: No. I’m going to bed.

HER: Ok ill tell him u have a good night ! No worrys u want here from me or him ever again : )

Well…that was a month ago, and, to their credit, I haven’t heard from them since. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I’d gone to meet them and take photographs and/or be photographed. It would probably have been fine. But some of her messages were just a little too much for me. That’s just not what I’m looking for.

But it points out an issue that I know some people have with the nude photography: they think it means sex, or might mean sex if everyone’s up for it. For some, that’s a plus, like an added bonus. Whoo! And for some it means that I, the person taking and/or appearing in these nudes photos, am a bad, evil, sinful, dirty person not to be trusted. (See: “So, what happened to Mississippi?”) 

This whole thing is just made worse by the people on tumblr, etc, who’ll post really nice, artistic nudes right next to what is clearly, no question, just plain ol’ porn. I’m not saying porn is wrong, but it’s different from art, and not recognizing, or pointing out, that difference just confuses the matter. Sure, you can take something not created as nor intended to be pornography and use it as porn, that is, strictly for sexual pleasure. It could be anything: artistic nudes; National Geographic pictures of topless native women; someone’s baby pictures; crime scene photos…whatever. Someone could use any of that stuff for sexual excitement, and while the act of doing so might be considered pornographic, that doesn’t change the nature of the original material.

Anyway…I’m still looking for models, people who’d be willing to pose for me. No sex involved, and no porn. I promise. 

plus-sizes...AND THAT'S OKAY

I haven’t posted anything here in a while, but...

With the recent Abercrombie & Fitch thing in the news—about no plus sizes, etc—and this, which I saw today:

“Jennie Runk: My life as a ‘plus-size’ model”

I wanted to take a few moments and say something about the insanely shallow attitude about size in our culture.

Here it is: we are really fucked up in our brains to believe that success and attractiveness and happiness can only come in a few limited sizes. (Actually, we are really fucked up in our brains concerning MANY topics in our culture, but today, I’m just gonna focus on this one.)

And here is my rant:

Be the size you are. I don’t mean that anything goes. I mean, honestly look at yourself and figure out what size you are. I don’t mean dress size or suit size...I mean how big you actually ought to be. NOT how big society thinks you ought to be. I mean how big your body should be, based on your body. Looking at your genetic relatives can help a little here, but you need to take into account environmental/behavioral issues.

Do we have an epidemic of obesity in this country? Yes. Are fast food and pre-packaged, pre-processed convenience-type foods and high sugar &/or salt content foods (and drinks) to blame. Yes, in part. Also, there’s economics involved, AND BEHAVIOR...CHOICES. That could be a whole documentary film...or several. But I’m not really focusing on that right now. 

Just like some people are tall and some are short, some people are fat and some are skinny, AND THAT’S OKAY. Seriously. We all need to come to terms with that. People come in different sizes. Yes, we all have the same basic shape, but there’s a significant range in how big we “normally” get. The thing is this: be the size you should be. And learn to be okay with that.

Sure, if you’re the size of a house, and can’t leave your house, that’s a problem. You need to make some changes. Or if you’re an average-height adult and you weigh the same as an average dining room table, that’s a problem. You need to make some changes.

Activity is important. Whether you’re...let’s say “corpulent” or “whispy”, don’t sit around on your ass all day. It’s not good for you. Take a walk. Take the stairs. Do some activity. Now, I do not really exercise. I don’t go to the gym or run or swim or pull out the yoga mat and do crunches. Yes, I should, but it’s just not a habit I’ve gotten into. When I’ve tried, something always comes along to disrupt my schedule before it’s had a chance to really take hold. BUT, I do walk. I do take the stairs if it’s only a few floors.

Anyway, what I’m saying is, do some activity when you can. And if you feel that you’re not fit enough, then do more activity. If you’re thin and want to put on some weight, then start lifting weights, and drinking protein shakes, and maybe eating a little more. If you’re fat and want to take some off, do something that uses big muscle groups and increases heart rate and breathing. Yes, if you’re worried, consult a doctor first. And don’t go crazy right off the bat; you could hurt yourself.

But don’t compare what you look like to what you see in TV & movies, commercials, magazines. Don’t worry that you don’t look like some pop star celebrity type, and ESPECIALLY not professional “models” who walk on runways and do photo shoots for glamor magazines and perfume ads. Don’t be upset if you don’t look like that. Those people don’t even look like that. You gotta let all the shit go, and look at real people.

And if you’re a child or teen or even in your early twenties, you need to know that your weight, your mass, whatever, may change in the next 5 or 10 years. You may gain weight &/or height without doing much of anything to make it happen. Or you might lose weight, though probably not height, unless you have some degenerative bone disease.

So...in conclusion, two things:

ONE, learn to love your body. That means getting to know your body and being honest and realistic about it. That doesn’t mean you think your body is “perfect”. But it’s really important to love and accept your body. It’s a big part of who you are. In fact, some would argue that it’s all of who you are.

TWO, if you want to make changes, be healthy and reasonable about it. Sure, you might end up with really extreme positive results. Yeah! Great! Awesome! But if that doesn’t happen, that’s okay. The main thing is to be reasonable healthy and okay about that, and know that eventually, your body will degenerate. We can fight it, and that’s fine, but eventually we will lose that fight. AND THAT’S OKAY.