Valentine's Day, Guys & Dolls

As usual, I am single on Valentine’s Day. I don’t actually remember any specific Valentine’s Days when I was with my ex, but I must’ve been around them for at least a couple of them. Other than her, the only time I was dating anyone on Valentine’s Day must’ve been my senior year in high school. That was 21 years ago. That’s like 2 or 3 lives ago, so of course I don’t remember that.

I think Valentine’s Day in elementary school was cute: all those crappy little valentine’s you gave to everybody; and getting excited that some cute girl gave you a valentine...of course she gave everyone a valentine, just like you did. Now it just seems a terrible waste of resources. I suppose I’m somewhat inclined to view it all as a corporate money-making holiday for greeting card companies and flower shops and candy-makers. But to be honest, I just can’t get myself into an uproar about it. It’s just another stupid holiday, when I’m supposed to feel something, but I don’t.

I suppose, as on my birthday, if I were around lots of people who kept telling me “Happy Valentine’s Day!” I’d probably get annoyed. But I haven’t really interacted with anyone yet today. I’ll go to school later and play for a few people in their studio rep classes, and probably for one girl in studio recital after, if we can do it early enough.

The main thing I’m doing today is driving to the next town for the first night of Guys & Dolls auditions. I’m the music director. I feel like I’ve been working on this show forever. I’m doing it with a community theatre, and they can’t afford a decent-sized orchestra for the show. So I’m basically re-orchestrating the show for piano + 5 or 6 other musicians. I’ve done everything except a couple of numbers. I started working on it the week before Christmas, then took a lot of time away from it to focus on Silent Pictures and a couple of days on Heck’s Kitchen. This past week I was in rehearsals for Clue, the musical with some kids from the American Hebrew Academy. I didn’t have a chance to really hang out with them or get to know them well, but I really enjoyed working with them. They’re a good bunch of kids. SO...I still haven’t quite finished the G&D orchestrations. The performances aren’t until April (ah...community theatre...long, slow rehearsal process), so I’ve got time. 

busy doing shows

Haven't blogged lately. Not a whole lot going on that I've really felt like blogging. I've been busy, so I guess I haven't really had time to think and ponder over stuff. 
But here's what's going on with me:
Last week/weekend I had 3 performances of Silent Pictures: a musical for which I wrote the music (book and lyrics by Tommy Trull). This week I'm playing for Clue at The American Hebrew Academy here in Greensboro, and rehearsing Heck's Kitchen: a short little show I also co-wrote with Tommy for the annual Gala (in 2 weeks) of the Greensboro City Arts Drama Center. On Friday I'm going to see the Playwrights' Forum Evening of Short Plays which includes one by me. (Possum Play: it's not a musical, so I haven't been involved and haven't been to any rehearsal.) 
Next week are Guys & Dolls auditions in Burlington. I've been doing new orchestrations because there's no way we can hire all the musicians called for. I'm trying to finish up those orchestrations. I think we start rehearsals the following week.
Later this spring/summer I'll be doing Man of La Mancha, then Tommy here in town (Open Space Cafe Theatre), and All Shook Up (overlapping those 2) a town or 2 over (Theatre Guild of Rockingham County). 
I just played a tuba recital, will do a voice (half) recital this (?) month and in April 2 recitals with 5 trombonists. Plus NATS (state & regional).

So...after all that excessive free time last summer/fall, I'm probably too busy now. It'll be better after the next few weeks though. Whew.


Now...what are you people (you know, you people reading this) doing?

New Year’s

[written around 2am, as I went to bed, after attending a party where most everyone there appeared to be part of a couple]

I understand that having another person, no matter who they are, in my life won’t magically make me happier. Someone else can’t make me happy.

But...!

I just cannot dismiss the idea that another person—the right person (not “Miss Right”, not that one perfect-match/soul-mate who exists out there and is looking for me, because I don’t believe in that, but rather one of many possible “right” persons)—may be able to help me, urge me, inspire me to be better...to be happier...to look for happiness and accept it when it comes...to strive for contentment.

That is what I hope for. I’ve seen glimpses of it, so I know it’s possible...maybe not probable, but possible. I just fear that I’ll try to turn anything and everything [anyone] I find into that and, by doing so, ruin it...as I have done for the past few years.

I don’t know how to be happy as I am. I don’t know how to count my blessings or whatever the optimists out there might advise me to do. I don’t know how to let go of unhappiness while I’m being unhappy. 

The Blah-blah-blues-blog

BLECH:

So, I haven’t written a blog in almost a month.

I was a little bit sick...ish. Well, there was one day several weeks ago when I felt really bad.

And I was a little bit busy...ish. Well, I had a few extra rehearsals and a few juries to accompany.

Mostly I’ve just been lazy/depressed. I still am. I could spend this time writing. I SHOULD be working on some orchestrations for a show I’m doing in the spring. This is when I actually have time, but I’m finding it hard to motivate myself.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS:

I don’t really get into Thanksgiving or Christmas. It occurred to me a couple of days ago that I can’t really make any emotional investment in the holidays, because there’s no real pay-off for me. I don’t seem to feel the warm, fuzzy stuff that everyone is “supposed” to feel. At Thanksgiving some friends invited me to their house for a very tasty dinner. That was nice; I had a good time. But, in general, it’s hard for me to feel thankful when I’m not happy with myself or with my life. Yeah, I’m not homeless and starving, but I live alone and spend most of my time alone. And I’m really worried about money lately. I don’t have any. I haven’t really worked “enough” in 2 years, and I don’t really think I’ll get much more work next year.

As for Christmas...well, I’m not religious. In fact, I’m pretty-much anti-religion. And for those who’d say they’re not “religious” but they believe, well, I’m pretty hostile about “faith” as well. It seems that the people who say that kind of thing (not “religious” but...) are just going along with or have returned to the stuff they were taught when they were children and didn’t have the mental capacity to question it. And now it’s like they have religion-lite, and they conveniently distance themselves from the horrible stuff that religions have done and often don’t even feel much need to actually examine what they believe. They just take their own particular dose of opiate and chill out, not really have to think about it.

The commercial side of Christmas makes me ill, so I haven’t even thought about it much this year. I don’t have a TV, so I haven’t seen those blatantly offensive commercials that suggestion we all must purchase lots of crap we and our “loved ones” don’t need. I think I wrote entire blogs ranting about Christmas for 2 or 3 years. There’s an abridged version of one of them here from December 2006.

ANYWAY:

Maybe I just have seasonal affective disorder. Of course that might suggest that I’m relatively healthy the rest of the year, and I’m not willing to claim that.

So, now I’ve written a blog. Yep, another blog complaining about how I’m unhappy. Maybe I should change the name of this whole thing from Mister Christer’s Variety Show...the blog to something like like The Blah-blah-blues-blog. 

bullshit inner monologue

Damn it!

I’m trying to do some work on a script. It’s a show I started writing this summer, when I had a lot of time. And now, even when I have a day off, like today, I just can’t stay focused on it.

It’s not the facebook or the netflix distracting me. The problem is that I’m too distracted by my bullshit inner monologue. I’m not beating myself up, thinking “I’m not a good writer” or that kind of creativity-related thing (not that that doesn’t happen sometimes). It’s that boring monologue about how I’m generally unhappy being alone. See, you’re probably bored already.

There’s one particular woman I’m interested in right now, but at this point she isn’t able or willing to give me what I want. That ought to discourage me from interacting with her. I expected it to, based on how I’ve reacted to this kind of thing in the past. But how I feel just hasn’t really changed. A friend mentioned the other day that maybe the problem isn’t this woman. Maybe the problem is that I’m feeling old and tired and worried that I don’t have many chances left. Damn you, smart friend who can sometimes see through my bullshit!

Actually, I don’t know for sure if that’s the problem, but it’s certainly possible.

Why is it so easy to just sit here and write this, while working on that script feels like I’m having to stop and think and work for every line?

Blech. I wish I were either a lot more busy so that I don’t really have the time to sit around and think about this OR that I were less busy so I could really delve into writing like I did this past summer: spend basically all morning writing, a few hours in the early afternoons typing up what I just wrote, and a few hours in the late afternoon writing music. 

Birthday, schmirthday ...UPDATE

Karen’s call for people to send her stuff worked.

Soooo....I’m putting out a call for people to throw me a party. I’ve taken my birthdate off the facebook for now, and I’m probably not gonna put it back on until after Friday. I still don’t want to wade through “happy birthday” postings. But between now and then I’ll be putting in my status a call for local people to throw me a party.

Do it! I’m gonna be 40 on Friday. That’s sort of a big deal. Do it! Make it a “special day” for me. I could use one. Seriously. 

massage

I’d like a massage partner. Somebody that I know, that I like well enough, but don’t LIKE. My friend Julia thinks that people who know each other can’t give each other a massage and it not be about sex. I fully admit that there can be a sensuality to it, even a sort of intimacy. And certainly it can be about sex, but I think it doesn’t have to be.

I know that many people (I’ve talked to them over the years) would prefer a stranger give them a massage. But I just don’t feel that way. There is something important about touching each other (go ahead and get all the giggles out now), and while hiring someone who has studied and knows physiology and all that can lead to a really helpful massage—I’ve paid for some excellent massages— I think the idea of a friend touching you is really nice and might be really helpful emotionally. Also, it’s much easier on the budget. Just spring for a little massage oil, or baby oil, whatever. And if you feel like you’d be awful at it, just not know what to do, there are books which are probably cheaper than the cost of a massage.

So, anyone out there living near me interested?