Thinker

A friend of mine, in talking about this blog, mentioned that sometimes women, after having been an exhibitionist, feel like they’ve given something away—a part of themselves. It wasn’t an idea that really resonated with me. But I was thinking about it this afternoon.

I wonder if it’s a difference between exhibitionism and nudity.

What I mean is that you might think of “exhibitionism” as a sexual thing. In other words, showing your body to people as a sexual expression, or with a sexual agenda, or as part of “being sexy”.

So, if being naked in front of people is a predominantly sexual thing, I can easily see how someone might regret their past exhibitionism, or perhaps feel they’ve given something away.

But nudity doesn’t have to be about sex. Think about a model in an art class. Or, there’s this:

(if you haven't already...or go back and revisit your favorites)

Yes, of course some nudity is sexual. And there may be those reading this who view this blog as sexual. If that’s you, and you’d care to discuss it, leave a comment or send me a message.

Also, you can have sex without being nude. And I’m not talking about teenagers dry-humping. But to me, that only makes sense if you’re really in a hurry to “git ‘r done” or if you’re trying to be discreet with your “dogging” (if you don’t know, look it up).

Many Hollywood movies would have us believe that women generally don’t remove their bras or even their shirts when having sex—even 2-people-alone-in-a-room-with-no-likelihood-of-someone-walking-in-on-them sex. I don’t get that. Every time I see it, my brain is violently shoved out of the story, the film, the TV show, whatever is it, to wonder why that is.

Okay, maybe you’re not willing to show bare breasts, but you’re willing to show people fucking? I don’t get that.

There’s also the whole thing of one person completely nude and the other completely clothed. It’s a little odd, but that seems to be about exhibitionism/voyeurism and a whole power-dynamic thing.

Anyway...what was my point?

(uh...?)

I’m sure it was something about how, even though they overlap, sex is not nudity and nudity is not sex.

(if you can't actually read this, click on it...it gets bigger

. . . . . . . . 

yeah-yeah, "that's what she said")

Response

That’s the “Word of the Day”: response.

Okay, sorry Stephen Colbert, for borrowing your phrase. Let’s call it the “Word of the Blog”.

I’m very interested to know what people think about this thing. I’ve gotten feedback from a few friends, whom I asked. But it’s hard to imagine that anyone would actually comment non-anonymously on this blog. I guess there’s the fear that someone will see that you’ve looked at it and not felt guilty about it.

Reminds me of that joke:

What’s the difference between a Baptist & a Methodist?

The Methodist will say hello when he sees you in the liquor store.

I’d be fine with anyone seeing this. Well, at least I think so. But, sadly, I know that many people would be fine.

The whole guilt thing is deadly. Whether it comes from religion or parents or cultural pressures—one might argue that they’re all the same—it tears people up, unnecessarily. I touched on this briefly in my "(like this guy)" post.

It makes people hate themselves for doing what seems natural to them, and it can make people do some really fucked up things. 

If you grow up being punished for being a really, bad, naughty boy or girl, then when you grow up you may go to some extremes looking for someone to punish you.

Can you imagine what it would be like if people were just open about stuff? What they want & need from each other. With their bodies. 

I think it would be awesome if people were naked more. I don’t mean just the “attractive” people. In fact, it's probably more important for some of the “unattractive” people to be naked. 

Imagine people doing housework in the nude, yard work, checking the mail & waving hello at the neighbors, just hanging out in the backyard with company or grilling up something on a summer evening (you might want an apron...for the grease spattering).

In a world like that, how much more healthy would people be about sex and body image issues? Young people would grow up seeing what actual, normal bodies look like, not just the dangerously skinny magazine models, with their digitally-edited looks, or the artificially top-heavy and silicon-ized porn queens. Not just men with 6-pack abs and tanning-bed-bronze skin. Just people...people who need people are the luck—

Sorry. Musical theatre moment. What I meant to say was just people who are “just people”.

Maybe trying to not feel guilty is part of what this blog is about. It’s partly a diary blog where I write about whatever’s going on or maybe something from the past. 

And it’s partly a “statement” blog. I guess the statement might be:

“You don’t need to be ashamed of your body. Nor of someone else’s.”

Maybe that’s not the statement. I’m not sure. I’m still figuring this blog out.

Maybe that’s part of my problem right now—that I feel like I ought to know what it is before I do it.

Maybe that’s why I want so much to get some kind of response... 

And that’s the “Word of the Blog”.

(from http://www.quotecounterquote.com)

Eat, Sleep, Play

3 things I’m not doing as much as I probably should be.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

Not sleeping enough isn’t a new thing. I’ve had trouble sleeping off and on for 5 years or so...maybe more? The latest twist to my sleeping, in the last several years, is that I usually wake up in the mornings at maybe 7 or 8 or9 and don’t really have much luck getting any restful sleep after that. No matter when I go to bed, that tends to happen.
That is, except when I stay up all night. That never really happened until the last few years. Well, there was 1 summer in high school when I got into a cycle of sleeping most of the day and staying up all night.
But now I’ll sometimes just not go to bed at all, or maybe around 4 or 5am for about 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Either way I’m just tired all the next day.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

Not playing enough has gone on for about 3 or 4 years. I’ve been underemployed for that long.
Also, I haven’t been “playing” outside much, if at all, for a bit. I do walk to school, but, as I’m underemployed, that’s only 3 days a week. Unless I’m running late and end up drining.
Sadly, no bedroom play either. That’s pretty-much since Amy & I broke up 6(?) years ago. Sicne then, the 1 woman who I REALLY wanted to be with, couldn’t/wouldn’t...shouldn’t?

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

But not eating enough is new. I think it’s only been a couple of weeks.
I was doing a show in the Winston-Salem and had to leave around the time when I’d normally just start to think about dinner. I often wouldn’t eat dinner at that point, but later. So, there were nights when dinner was a little fruit or a granola bar & a “vitamin water”. And then maybe popcorn or a little something else when I got home late.
Also, sometimes I just don’t eat breakfast at all, just coffee. Or, I’ll eat breakfast around 11, then no lunch, or late lunch & no dinner.
And now I’m feeling tired and as if I should eat. There’s a kind of empty-stomach feeling. But I often don’t feel like eating, or when I do eat, I can’t eat as much as I normally do. I’m not on a “diet” but it’s possible I’ve lost a few pounds. I’ve got a few spare pounds I could lose, but not much.
I wonder if I could get my sleep schedule back to something reasonable, then maybe I’d be able to start eating regularly again as well.  I should definitely work on that.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

And the play-thing. Yeah, I definitely need some play.

“...so comfy and roomy feels natural to me...”

This afternoon I saw a very attractive girl, who was a little “heavy”. And those lines from Bill came to mind. I thought she looked great. Her body type reminded me of another girl who I find very attractive. So it wasn’t that this one corpulent chick was an exception. I’ve found many women who had a little weight on them...

(ya know, there just aren’t many nice, positive ways to describe such a person)

...to be attractive. I’ve also found thinner girls to be attractive. I suppose what it comes down to is that I find attractive girls attractive.

Someone I know posted this link the other day:

Why It's Important to Feel Good NAKED.

It’s a little long, and I didn’t read the whole article. But the gist I got was that it’s healthy to be comfortable with your body, despite what you might perceive as flaws. And it tends to make you seem more confident = sexier.

Yeah, person who Oprah interviewed!

It reminded me of something I’ve thought several times in the past. There’ve been several girls I knew when they were in college, and I’d thought they were very beautiful girls. Then when I saw them a few years later, and they had lost a lot of weight, I just thought it was a shame: they used to be so beautiful and now (I guess compared to the image of them in my head) they seemed like skinny little things. I mean, they were still attractive, but I sort preferred the heavier version. They’d seemed a little healthier before.

That’s not to say that I’m “into fat chicks”. As I mentioned above, I’ve also found thin girls attractive...but not the ones who seem too skinny, like they’re too skinny for their own bodies. Definitely not healthy.

I’m also reminded of part of a conversation the other night. I was talking with a friend about women & relationships, I think. She said something like “it’s about the mind for you, isn’t it?” To a great degree it is. I have found lots of different types of women attractive.

I remember playing for dance classes at a new school some time back. In one particular class, at the beginning of the semester, there was a girl who I found attractive and another who I didn’t especially. By the end of the semester, they had switched, in my mind, because I’d gotten to know them a little. Girl A, whom I’d thought was totally hot at the beginning of the semester, was a bitch. I couldn’t imagine how anyone would find her attractive. And Girl B, who I’d thought was okay, I later found so extremely attractive. She was smart and funny and pleasant and talented. She was one of those people in a dance class who, when they recognize the melody I’m playing—but with a different accompaniment and rhythm—gets a big smile of recognition on their face. It means 1, they’re paying attention, and 2, they know enough music and know enough about music to recognize what I’m doing. I love those people in dance classes.

(Laura Knight, Kelly Schmidt, and Christina Caravella were those types. And there are others.)

Anyway, that’s how my brain works when it comes to women. It can be difficult for me to separate personality & physical beauty. It also causes me to think a woman I find physically appealing will be smart and funny and liberal and all the other stuff I like. Unfortunately that’s not true most of the time.

naked history

Caveman:

Ancient Greece:

The Renaissance:

The 70s:

Okay, this actually MY naked history.

(not me)

Yes, I was a baby. I must’ve been born naked, but I don’t remember it. I don’t recall my younger siblings just running around naked when they were babies, so I kinda doubt that I did it. Or, rather, I doubt that my parents would’ve let me.

(also not me)

I certainly didn’t grow up naked. I remember once catching a glimpse of my mom changing when I was a boy, and I think only once I saw my dad’s penis in a changing room at the beach.

In college...

(not my dorm, yet not unlike my dorm room)

...I had a roommate who slept nude, but when he jumped out of bed, he did what I called “the pillow dance”. He had a little throw pillow, like you’d see on a couch, which he held in front of his penis, or his backside if that was facing me. I always kind of thought that was silly. I mean, I didn’t have any real desire to see his penis, but it certainly wouldn’t’ve offended me if I had.

Later, when I had another roommate, I came home from school one winter night—I bicycled to & from school most of that year; I was usually hot & tired when I got home, and the first thing I would do was take some of my clothes off—and went in my bedroom and took off one layer of clothes. I came out of my room, got something from the kitchen or went to the bathroom (whatever), then went back in my room & took off another layer. It was winter: several layers. Well, my roommate said something to the effect of “Are you gonna keep coming out of there wearing less & less? How far are you going with this?” 

Well, he was being kinda funny, so I kinda went along with it, to be funny myself. I kept going in and figuring out what I could wear that showed more. I got all the way down to the skimpiest underwear I had at the time. The roommate said something like “You can’t go much further.” And I said something like, “I guess, I’ll go put on something more formal.” So I went in the room & came out again wearing only a (long) necktie. My roommate thought that was pretty hilarious.

(this is not the same tie)

After college, I got my own place—no roommates—and I was naked in there, pretty-much all the time. Nobody came over much. There was one girl who came over a few times, and I wore almost nothing when she was there, but I guess I just wasn’t brave enough yet. Or maybe I wasn’t so secure yet in the idea that being naked in front of someone doesn’t necessarily have to be about sex.

(this is clearly a drawing or something...again, not me)

Eventually, I went through a stage of flashing some of my friends. For me, the most interesting thing about that was the different reactions people would have. There were 3 basic reactions:

1. Oh-my-god-I-don’t-wanna-see that-oh-my-god.

(I do not know this person.)

2. I’m-looking at your face...I’m-looking at your face...You do see me looking at your face, right?

(Nor this one.)

3. Hey, he’s naked. That’s funny.

(Nope, not her either.)

A little later, I had a roommate who saw me naked all the time. Eventually he decided it was okay to go naked to, but only around me. Where we lived, lots of people we knew would just stop by, so many of them happened to see me naked. A few of them actually hung out there while I was naked.

(ME!)

I also got interested in massage around then. I found that I would rather have a friend give me a massage (or vice versa) than to go pay someone who doesn’t know me to give me a massage. A lot of people think that’s weird, and most of my friends weren’t interested in a massage-swap.

(I wish this were me right now.)

That was a little off point. Anyway...

These days I live alone in a tiny apartment. When it’s warm enough, I don’t wear anything. Honestly, I really don’t mind if people know. In fact, I’d rather everyone did. However, I’ve learned enough to know that there are lots of folk who would be horrified or embarrassed or mad to see me naked, or perhaps even to know I was naked. That’s sad.

(Uh-uh. Don't know him.)

Well, this is a long blog. Hope it was worth it.

art

I don’t think I ever wrote about this. Just something I remembered this morning.
(Disclaimer: I think this is what happened, although it's been a few years, and some of my details could be off. If anyone reading this was there and remembers it differently, please feel free to chime in with a comment.)

A few years back I worked at a small private university...

...Elon, where sometimes an art class would put up paintings, drawing, photographs, whatever, in one of the hallways of the arts building. It was a public hallway, outside of the more “formal” art venue on campus. Sometimes there were sheets for comments from passersby. That building happened to lie between one of the parking lots and the rest of campus, so lots of people would go through that hallway on the way to somewhere else. I think that made it a perfect place to hang art.

It was also the perfect place to cause a little “controversy”. One of the students in some class submitted a full-frontal male nude photograph. Well, .someone saw it and got uncomfortable (I imagine), and wrote a letter to the dean complaining about the pornographic picture.

It wasn’t pornographic. Clearly the purpose of this photo was not to turn anyone on. It was not a sexually explicit photo, just a guy with no clothes on in an unremarkable pose. His penis was not erect; there was no smirk on his face...just a naked guy in a studio somewhere: blank wall behind him. Black-and-white, nice lighting, in focus, nice-looking guy, perfectly normal-looking penis (i.e., not crazy, giant, porn penis). But it was really quite tame, boring even. Not worthy of sparking controversy. Yet, it did. There were a few letters in the school paper; people from off campus, maybe a few alumni, but also folks not directly connected to the school weighing in.

I think the dean asked the art teacher to take down that picture. Of course, that sparked a little more response. But it ended with the teacher taking down the whole group of pictures, and whatever else it was, a few days early. That’s unfortunate.

Of course, I wonder would it have been an issue were it a female nude. People are more used to that. Crazy double standards.

A bit later in that semester, pictures of this guy appeared:

I think the first was just a standard version, except with a little of this:

Well, that's what I saw. You know, in my brain. Maybe it was more like this:

At any rate, I find this:

...much more offensive than the original. First, there's the basic censorship concept that I object to. But also, this focuses your eye & mind on the thing being covered up.It's now impossible to appreciate the thing for what it is.
So, then pics of him at various spots on campus appeared, posted in various other spots on campus. I don’t know who did it, but it was an amusing little...what’s the word? Campaign?

The following semester, in that same spot in another informal class display, someone posted a computer generated picture something very much like this:

...except more stylized and in various colors. It must've been some sort of computer design class. There was nothing new about it, except that a little block was cut out from the center, where the penis was, and there was a small envelope on the side. The creator of this picture indicated that the viewer could censor the pic by removing the penis, or un-censor it by replacing it. I thought that was brilliant. Clearly it was a sort of response or reaction to the nude pic from the previous semester.

This was one of those displays which included paper by each piece, where viewers could comment on the pieces. So someone had commented that it was a really great picture except it was ruined by the whole censorship element. I rebutted that, no, the censorship element was the piece. Without it, the piece was nothing new or innovative or particularly interesting, but with it, the piece was about something, it made you think.

In the next year or so, the art department moved to another building, far removed from the rest of campus. So, it would be unlikely for to be confronted with art, unless they were going to the art building.

So, that's it. The end. No big conclusion. Sorry. Hope you like the pictures.

art

A few years ago I worked at a small private university where sometimes an art class would put up paintings, drawing, photographs, whatever, in one of the hallways of the arts building. It was a public hallway, outside of the more “formal” art venue on campus. Sometimes there were sheets for comments from passersby. That building happened to lie between one of the parking lots and the rest of campus, so lots of people would go through that hallway on the way to somewhere else. I think that made it a perfect place to hang art. 

It was also the perfect place to cause a little “controversy”. One of the students in some class submitted a full-frontal male nude photograph. Well, .someone saw it and got uncomfortable (I imagine), and wrote a letter to the dean complaining about the pornographic picture.

It wasn’t pornographic. Clearly the purpose of this photo was not to turn anyone on. It was not a sexually explicit photo, just a guy with no clothes on in an unremarkable pose. His penis was not erect; there was no smirk on his face...just a naked guy in a studio somewhere: blank wall behind him. Black-and-white, nice lighting, in focus, nice-looking guy, perfectly normal-looking penis (i.e., not crazy, giant, porn penis). But it was really quite tame, boring even. Not worthy of sparking controversy. Yet, it did. There were a few letters in the school paper; people from off campus, maybe a few alumni, but also folks not directly connected to the school weighing in.

I think the dean asked the art teacher to take down that picture. Of course, that sparked a little more response. But it ended with the teacher taking down the whole group of pictures, and whatever else it was, a few days early. That’s unfortunate.

something I wrote a while back

As the title suggests, this is something I wrote a while back:

When people look at my head they see that I’m a person who has a head (like everyone else). My head is bald on the top. Not everyone is bald, but it’s not an unusual variation. There’s some little bit of hair in the front, and there’s hair on the sides, but I am basically bald. My head has a mouth and nose, two eyes and ears (like almost everyone else). My head usually has glasses on it—not that strange. And it has a beard. Not every head has a beard, but, like being bald, it’s certainly not all that unusual. My beard is sort of reddish-brown (or brownish-red?) and has some white in it. If you look closely you’ll notice a couple of spots that don’t quite fill in.

People see my head all the time. It’s not the most handsome, but it’s okay, I suppose. It’s a lot like all the other heads that people see on a regular basis. The same could be said of my body, that is, if people saw bodies on a regular basis. I have arms and legs and skin. I have some hair, not a lot. I’m thin-ish and pale and not very muscular. I have some freckles and moles. Oh yeah...also, I have a penis.

(AH! NO! OH-MY-GOD!)

That’s right, a penis. As far as I can tell, it’s a lot like other penises. It’s not a giant porn penis. Much like the rest of my body it’s on the smaller side of “normal”. (It’s not a “big deal” ha!)

People seeing a penis is the real issue here. You can see almost every other part of a male and not call it “nudity”. You could see a man’s nipples and not call it nudity. Arms, legs, chest, back...not nudity. You can see buttocks, and you might call it “brief nudity”. But to actually see a penis...ahhh! Freak-out time. 

No, people. No. Just like nudity does not equal sex, a penis (or a vagina or breasts) does not equal sex.

Just as people see my head, with its reasonable variations, and accept it as part of me—okay that’s his head...he keeps his brain in there... hm...I’m okay with that—I really wish they could see my body, with its reasonable variations, and accept it as part of me—that’s his body...he lives inside there, with his bones and muscles and organs...hm...I’m okay with that. Those are his shoulders and knees and skin. There’s a little belly, not big, but bigger than it was when he was 20. You can see that gravity has an effect (just like with everyone else). And yes, there’s a penis, and guess what? We’re not having sex. (Just because I can see it, doesn’t mean that I have to do anything with it.)

It’s a body. We all have one. Mine’s not perfect. I wish it were better, but it is what it is. I’m okay with it, and you don’t have to freak out about it. Whether you ever see it or not, it’s always there. It’s part of me. If you do happen to see it sometime, I hope you think, “Well, that’s his body... hm...I’m okay with that.”

Random Stuff

The latest facebook updates suck. What are they doing?

I saw this the other day at UNCG outside the music building:

Kinda sad that they need to lock it down.

Turns out that I will not be doing a show with Susan, contrary to what I reported in my previous blog. They had to move it to spring, at which time I will be doing Violet at Winston Salem Theatre Alliance. It’s the same theatre where I’m doing Kiss of the Spider Woman right now. We had a couple of nights off, and we’re back at it tonight through Sunday afternoon.

Theatre Alliance website--check it out

Uh...what else? ...Oh!

Now that I’m not spending my days trying to rush and finish orchestrating a show, I’m going to get back to writing. I haven’t written much original stuff this year. I wrote music for Silent Pictures & Heck’s Kitchen (1-acts I did with Tommy Trull) early in the year. Then the same folks who did Silent Pictures before, put it up again this summer. Tommy & I made some changes. I’d call it version 1.1. At some point this summer I wrote a couple of short plays (10 pages & less than 10 pages) to submit to Stephen Hyers for the Greensboro Playwrights Forum’s Evening of Short Plays. 

I assume they weren’t selected, but I don’t know for sure. I don’t know if Stephen has stopped sending out GPF updates, or if I’ve been taken off the list. I couldn’t find any info about the plays selected on their website either. I haven’t been to a meeting lately, ‘cause I’ve been in rehearsals much of the year. So I’m officially out of the loop.

So, I’m gonna do some work on Dori & the Executioner, and maybe also get around to finishing Giants Dance. Those are 2 musicals I did a bit of work on last summer.

Hmm...anything else?

I’m not quite half-way through reading a new book: Opening Atlantis by Harry Turtledove. He writes alternative history novels: novels set at some point in history, but with some significant difference, like the South won the U.S. Civil War. In this book, there’s a continent in the middle of the Atlantic. From the cover art, it appears that the eastern part of North America as we know it has broken off and drifted away. So the story is about the settling of this “Atlantis”. I like it so far. It’s interesting, so I’m keeping at it, unlike the last book I read: The Music of the Spheres by Elizabeth Redfern. I finished The Music of the Spheres, but it took a while as I wasn’t really all that interested. It’s a mystery that I just wasn’t all that interested in, and it had a bit of romance-novel quality at times. There was one description that I just found ridiculous: something like “her apple-firm breasts...”. It just sounds unpleasant and unhealthy.

It seems there was something else I was gonna write about, but I can’t think what it was.

Can't remember.

Maybe I’ll go make some muffins. Not blueberry. They were too expensive the other day at the grocery.

Been a while

I haven't written a blog in a while. So...

This summer: finished Man of La Mancha; did Tommy with a bunch of kids in a small theatre without mics; wrote some new music for another production of Silent Pictures, by the same people; started rehearsals right away for Kiss of the Spider Woman in Winston-Salem; took a week off from Spider Woman to do Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog in Burlington.

Kiss of the Spider Woman opens this weekend. I did new orchestrations for the whole show. After doing that for Guys & Dolls earlier this year, I thought I wouldn't do it again for a while. it's a big undertaking, especially when you're doing other stuff at the same time. But since the role of Aurora/Spider Woman is written so very low, and the director cast a soprano, I had to transpose several songs or parts of songs. Then I got a look at the band parts that were sent; they were a mess. Sometimes it's hard to tell what sounds the keyboards should be using, and when other instruments should be playing or not, and there were songs that were missing in some parts. Tacky and unprofessional: I'm talking to you , Samuel French.
          (Samuel French is a publishing company that does a lot of musicals. They often
            send out scores and parts that look like crap.)

It looks like I'll be doing a show at Ragsdale High School this fall, with Susan Reinecke (see my "Stuff & nonsense" blog form march this year). I don't know yet what show it'll be. We've tossed around several ideas. I even sent her a script of mine. I should find out soon, 'cause she wants to get started soon.
Classes started at UNCG a few weeks ago. I have 4 (yep, only 4) signers right now, and probably a Euphonium recital to accompany. So, I'm a little concerned about money.