Naked in the News (2)

A friend of mine posted this on the facebook this morning:

She commented “check out dude with the sandwich!”

It’s true, at about 2’05” there’s a guy lending a hand while still holding onto his hamburger. 

Weird.

But my comment was this: “Why can't the naked people be more coherent, and responsible?”

Seriously, those folks give us reasonable naked people a bad name.

News-type stories about naked people always have some drugged or drunk person...or somebody loudly protesting something.

Why does there have to be an excuse? 

Hell, I’d rather go naked. 

Period. 

Well, assuming it’s not too cold. 

Actually, even then I might rather go naked, but it’s just too uncomfortable.

I guess you can also find coverage of the sensationalized nipple slip or celeb caught sunbathing nude sort of things. But that’s not exactly news; it’s more something else...maybe info-perv-tainment.

Wouldn’t that be a great human interest story on the evening news? A normal naked person. No big issue they’re trying to raise awareness about.

“And here’s this person. He or she happens to be naked. So...you’re naked. What’s that like?”

“Oh, it’s pretty much the norm. If it’s warm enough, I’m probably naked or semi-naked. You know. It’s not a big deal, really.”

“Hm. Interesting. I notice that you’re not staggering around, or yelling, or speaking incoherently. Surely you must have some horrid injustice you protesting.”

“Um, no. I mean, there certainly are injustices in the world. But that’s got nothing to do with my being naked.”

“No? An important issue to awareness about?”

“No, I’m just naked. I suppose that’s an issue. But I’m not on a mission here. Just...hanging out.”

“And there you have it. ‘Just hanging out.’ Back to you in the studio.”

Not my day off

You know how you get used to something and then expect it to be that way, like it’s your right?

That’s how I feel right now.

Usually Wednesday is like my day off. I don’t’ have any regular rehearsals or lessons to play for, unless I’m doing a show and we rehearse that night. I am doing a show right now—Violet—but we haven’t been rehearsing Wednesdays lately.

So this morning I feel like this is SUPPOSED to be my “day off”.

It’s not supposed to be. It just happens to be, normally.

I feel I just don’t play for enough people to have to go to school every day every week. As I was scheduling coaching with the singers I accompany, I saw that Wednesdays seemed empty, so I made a little effort to maintain that.

Well, today is not my day off. In a little while I have to go meet a trombone player and sight read the music for his recital.
And then I have to play a voice recital jury—where the student has to be prepared to sing any of his recital rep for a panel of voice faculty who then decide if he’s ready, or on track, for his recital next month.

And one of the cast from Violet wants to meet and work on her music. She’s had to miss some rehearsals ‘cause her house was broken into and she’s dealing with that.

Did I mention I’m sick? I think. It could be allergies. I tend to get like this, or some version of this—runny nose, itchy eyes, sinus pressure, tired—at some point every fall/winter/spring. The weather’s been weird lately and I think maybe it tricked something into blooming.

I’d much rather go back to bed for a few hours, then maybe eat a little something, & maybe soup later this afternoon, laze around watching some crap on netflix and dozing off.

But no! It is not to be.

So, I shall take a couple of dayquil, drink some coffee, probably drive to school instead of walk—it’s cool and drizzly and gross out there—and be the dutiful, reliable accompanist.

At least I don’t have rehearsal tonight. Maybe I’ll go to bed early. And next week is spring break. But there’s a tuba player (and possibly others) who want to rehearse some next week. Of course I have Violet rehearsals all next week, even Wendesday. And I have to do some prep work for Next to Normal auditions which are a week from Sunday.

I’d like to finish the draft of a kids musical I’m writing. Wouldn’t spring break be a great time for that? Guess not.

“No.” (Valentine’s Day 2012)

I feel like most years my Valentine’s attitude has been “bleh” or “psh”. But this year I feel unsettled. I have some kind of negative feeling about the day, I’m just not sure what it is. It’s not that same sort of “eh, whatever” feeling. But I don’t exactly feel angry or depressed.

Just a few minutes ago I saw someone’s facebook status: Will you be my valentine?

Immediately I wanted to comment “No.” Nothing cute or witty, just “No.” I guess that’s pretty-much how I feel about the whole Valentine thing. Not witty, or cute, just no.

I was thinking a day or two ago about Valentines. Again, on the facebook, some kid I know posted how he was gonna be alone on Valentine’s Day. My thought was get back to us in 20 years or so. I’ve spent most of my Valentine’s Days alone. My Senior year in high school I was seeing someone then, so I probably had a date—thanks Michelle.

12 Valentine-less years later, I met Amy; we were together for 5-ish years. Years 1 & 4 we were in different states. Years 2 we may’ve been together, or our off-and-on-again period may’ve already started; it was definite going on in year 3. Years 5 & “ish” we were living together, so we may have done something special.

Since then, nothing. 7-ish years of pretty-much nothing. Big dry spell.

I’ve certainly felt depressed at points in those 2 big stretches of no Valentine years. But my attitude about this particular day was that it’s just another stupid commercialized holiday where you’re encouraged to buy stuff & to keep participating in our consumer-focused culture.

Today I feel more negative, but less focused than usual.

Bitter. Maybe that’s it. In the past I’ve been dismissive. Maybe there have been some bitter past Valentine’s Days (perhaps if you, reader, have been around me on February 14th you can share your impression). But now I feel less dismissive and more bitter. Yes, I think that’s it.

Part of me does want to just comment “Yeah, fuck you,” to all the people posting happy Valentine’s wishes on the facebook. But I shall try to refrain from spewing bile indiscriminately. I hope you appreciate the effort.

The problem with this blog is...

This past weekend, I was talking with a friend about this blog. She expressed some concerns, impressions, reactions. Mostly it wasn’t really anything new. But I thought I might share a little, and ask for your feedback. So please, feed my back ‘cause it’s hungry...wait that can’t be right. How ‘bout this? I fed you this blog, now you feed me back your response.

One general idea that came up was that for some people who know me, just the fact that they know me makes this blog problematic. My response is that just because you know someone doesn’t mean you should feel upset or awkward because you’ve seen them naked. We’re all people who are naked some time or another. Also nudity can help folks have a healthier idea of what bodies actually look like, blah, blah, blah.

In a sense, being naked is a sort of honesty, openness. Of course, I know that unfortunately most people aren’t ready or willing to be all that open and honest. I suppose I should just find myself a naked community and move there.

A more specific reaction of my friend was that, since she does know me, she’s heard and/or read (on the facebook) my expressions of loneliness and unhappiness in my personal life. So somehow this blog is that. I’ve said before that had I not been so bored several months ago, I wouldn’t have started this blog. And I don’t know, it may also be true that if I had a significant other I might not have started it. But as I said to another friend some time back, the blog is “not a general dating invite.” Although I would like to have a girlfriend, I have absolutely no expectation that this blog could lead to my having one. In fact, it might make it more difficult to get a girlfriend, as many people would be uncomfortable with their significant other having a blog like this. But honestly, that doesn’t feel like a pertinent issue in my life. I’m not expecting to get involved with anyone; rather, I’m doubting it.

Does anybody else have that reaction? Not that I’m unlikely to get involved. I mean the idea that your knowledge of my loneliness makes this blog seem like I’m trying to fill that space.

Another reaction of this friend—and one that’s not about me, but rather about the pictures...well, it’s also about me—is that some of the pictures seem to her to be a middle-aged dude taking pictures of his penis, and putting them online. And to her that’s kind of sad. I guess it’s related to the previous thought about my being lonely, etc. Obviously, the blog IS a middle-aged dude putting pictures of his penis online. I mean, some of the pictures in this blog are just my penis.

But even the erection pictures are, to me, an exploration of the body—in this case, the male body...my male body. This is a new area for me. I’d never thought of myself as a photographer or a visual artist.

I think the problem with the middle-aged penis-dude is that people think it’s creepy: it’s a lonely guy expressing his sexual desperation hoping that someone will take the bait. “My penis...anyone? anyone?...no?”

So...is that me? I think at least mostly no. But maybe there is some element of that. Maybe by doing this blog I’m hoping for some connection to people. I don’t know. What do you think?

I’ve felt various reasons for starting and continuing this blog.

Boredom: sure, along with the desire to do something a little unusual; it’s sort of the idea of wanting to do something drastic, like shaving one’s head...except I’ve already done that.

One of the more compelling reasons I have—a sort of coming out: a desire to be more open about this part of my life, the fact that I’m naked and enjoy it; I’m still the same person, I haven’t changed, etc.

I think the desire to express...something is involved here as well, especially lately; all the looking at and judging my pictures and deciding which to post has stirred an artistic sensibility in me; I’m feeling a desire to capture/create and share interesting and compelling pictures.

Thoughts, anybody? I really do crave feedback.

I think as a burgeoning “artist” I’m lacking in knowledge and equipment and opportunities. I should take a class, but my schedule is inconsistent, so that could be a problem. I’d probably learn a lot if I just had people to work with—models and photographers. But without money to pay real models, without a studio, I don’t see that happening. So, if anybody’s interested...

There’s also the whole sex thing...how it gets in the way of discussions or displays of nudity. My discussion with that friend seemed to get a bit off track when we got to this. I wasn’t quite sure the point she was making, and it got away from my blog a bit. But I’ll make this point: sex isn’t something to fear, or at least it shouldn’t be. (I’ve mentioned this a little before.) And so what if sex “gets in the way” with some of my pictures? I still feel confident that what I’m doing is not porn. An artistic exploration of sex is a valid endeavor.

Well, I generally don’t get a lot of comments on this blog. I know, people don't know what to say, how to respond. But if you’ve read all this, you might have something to say; I probably would, even if it’s just “I agree”. But especially if you don’t’ agree with everything I’ve said, I hope you’ll comment. Feel free to totally disagree, bring up some point I’ve not touched on, whatever. Please. 

another dream

I remembered another dream. From last night. 

So, it seems like there was more at the beginning that I don’t recall, but what I do recall started with my having a son. I didn’t give birth, but I think I had a wife. Or maybe a girlfriend. I’m not sure, because she wasn’t really in the dream, that I recall. But the baby was born and someone handed it to me. He was beautiful, and I cried and felt proud. 

And then somehow we skipped ahead to when he was starting school. So that’s good. Skipped all the diapers and potty training. Yay. 

For some reason, I was going back to school, and started on the same day as “ma boy”. And for some strange reason I was going back to school at the same school as “Chris Junior”. (His name was NOT Chris Junior. In fact, I don’t know if he had a name. He must have, but I don’t know what it was.) So, “Little Chris” started kindergarten—without crying, ‘cause he’s strong and awesome—and I started whatever it was I was doing at the school. It would make more sense if I were teaching or something, but it doesn’t seem like that was what was happening. 

Um... Argh. There was something else that happened next, but I don’t know what it was anymore. I knew it when I woke up and was thinking about the dream, but now I can’t remember. 

I’m gonna go lay down in my bed for a minute to see if comes back to me. 

.   .   .

Well, no luck. It seems like it was something that changed the tenor of the dream. 

But I did remember that the school was not a “normal” school. There were other adults there, maybe not my age—more like young adults. And this was a school that included kindergarten through college-age folks. And it didn’t have the usual structure of consecutive “grades” (first, second, third...freshmen, sophomore, etc.), nor did it have classes separated so distinctly by subject matter. It was a place where people went to learn stuff and/or to teach stuff. 

Sounds like an interesting place. Yes, one day my brilliant and talented son, “Biff”, will find this “school” and go there.

.   .   .

Oh, wait! “Bill”! That was his name. 

(“Bill” was NOT his name.)

I dreamed a dream...

I dreamed last night I was on the boat to heaven,

and by some chance I had brought my dice along.

And there I stood, and I hollered, “Someone fade me.”

But the passengers, they knew right from wrong.

I don’t often remember my dreams. But last night I had a dream that I sort of remember. Or, at least, I remember part of it.

I ran into a girl I know on the street somewhere. It may’ve been New York City; I’m not sure. And we were talking a bit, or trying to talk. Then something happened: she had to leave, or maybe she was scared off, because a couple of cars and a bunch of people pulled up and stopped on the sidewalk where we had been standing and talking. Then she was gone. The dream continued, but that part is even less clear. I don’t remember who those other people were or what happened. But this girl was quite clear.

So, about this girl.

We met about a year ago, doing a show. But we haven’t really talked for a while. Back not long after we met we did talk a bit. I thought she was interesting and appealingly open in her conversation. I really liked that. I feel that most people are closed off in many ways, but this girl seemed willing to talk about anything.

But then she stopped talking to me. It felt a little awkward, and then she left town for a bit, saying we’d keep in touch and hang out some time when she came back. I doubted that.

I was correct. We didn’t keep in touch, nor did we hang out when she came back. A few months ago, I wrote her and asked about it, but she didn’t want to talk about it.

That made me sad.

It seemed like the end of any sort of possible friendship. I’m not one who can pretend that a problem doesn’t exist, when clearly it does. And if I never deal with a problem, then I can’t get over that. It doesn’t just go away.

I could be wrong, but I believe she thought she needed to stop talking to me for one of two reasons: one, she’d given me too much sensitive information and thought I might reveal it to people; or two, and I suspect this is more likely, she thought I was interested in her.

I did find her attractive, and I found her openness very appealing. But she’s probably too young for me, which in itself might have been enough to keep me from pursuing her. She also has a boyfriend, and that is definitely enough. That’s one of the things she talked to me about—her boyfriend, their relationship. Like every couple, they had some little issues. But their relationship seemed stable. I might be willing to pursue someone in an unhappy relationship, but that didn’t seem to be the case with them. Also, I know her boyfriend. We were working together on a project. And it would’ve been awkward for me to try to get with her while working with him, even if they’d broken up or something.

So, anyway...

I don’t always give a lot of weight to dreams. I don’t always try to read into them significance for my life. But, this dream makes me wonder if I should try talking to her again, maybe try to rekindle our formerly budding friendship. I don’t have all that many close friends. I think perhaps I require people who are open and honest and willing to talk about stuff. And, honestly, my not talking to her makes me reluctant to get to know her boyfriend better. You know, they’re separate people, but they are sort of a unit.

Well, I’ll think on this a little today.

For the people all said, “Sit down, sit down, you’re rockin’ the boat.”

Yes, it might rock the boat too much if I try to talk to her. But right now, she and I aren’t friends. Not really. Maybe there’s a chance we could be friends again if we did talk about this.