Thursday, October 31, 2013

trees


A couple of the trees near my apartment have pretty-much become nudists. They’ve disrobed themselves of most of their leaves, and they’re standing just out there, uncovered, where anyone could walk by and see them. 

It’s actually sort of inspiring, their bravery. I wish I could be like them—just out and about in my natural state. I would be, were it not for the likelihood of my being arrested. It’s bad enough that some people won’t hire me because of my photography. I don’t need a criminal record. 

And, as if that’s not enough, the nudist-trees seem to be slowly convincing some of the surrounding trees to join them. These other trees are quite a bit more shy about it, though, and are taking a lot more time to disrobe. 


Wednesday, October 30, 2013

new songs?


Last night, while I was driving to a gig, I came upon an idea, or an idea came upon me. I guess it’s both really. It’s an idea for something to write—some songs.


I’ve been thinking about writing something for a bit but not knowing what to write. So, in that sense, I guess I came upon the idea. But, at that particular moment, I wasn’t actively focused on what to write. So also the idea came upon me.  

When I got to the gig and parked, I jotted down the idea. I went in, and found that we wouldn’t be starting for a while, so I wrote some more. This morning I wrote a bit more and even jotted down an idea for the music. I’ll likely come back to it today, as right now, I’m still sort of tired and not feeling very active. I’ll just drink some coffee, maybe find something to watch on the netflix. 

The thing worth mentioning here is that I’m writing lyrics. My own lyrics, not just re-working someone else’s to make them lyrical and set-able to music. And it’s been a few years since I did that. It’s an idea that could, maybe, lead to several songs. 

Whoo. 

Okay, I’m just not excited yet. Better get to that coffee. 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

the giraffe riddle


If you haven’t seen it, you’re probably not on facebook.

I’ve seen it going around several days. I didn’t bother. I would’ve been correct, but I felt no need to engage in this particular “latest thing”.


But now I’m seeing a bunch of people sharing this post: “Giraffe riddle: Why you're probably answering the Facebook riddle wrong” 

In it, somebody is whining about how the answer to the riddle ought to be not the actual answer but rather the answer that the writer, and many others, incorrectly guessed. And the writer’s argument relies on identifying the first part of the riddle as not really part of the riddle, not really an option.

Come on, open your eyes, people. It’s a riddle. Sometimes there’s a little “gotcha” phrase in there that you might incorrectly ignore while focusing on the harder decision-making part of the riddle. This one happens to have two.


See, riddles are tricky. That’s the damn point. AND if you guess an answer that you think is right, but the questioner knows is not the CORRECT answer, then your answer is still incorrect. It’s not a math problem or something that actually could have multiple answers. It’s a riddle. That’s how they work.

You may think your logic is strong, but Turandot still sends you to the executioner. The Sphinx still gets to eat you.


So, all you long-necked, spotted sore losers shut up about it. Change your profile picture if you want. Seriously.


Dino-dream


Last night’s dream was a bit like a movie. It wasn’t a dream of a movie, but it seemed like a movie. Well, maybe just a scene from a movie…or part of a scene. And if it were a movie, I’d probably be an extra. I don’t know what exactly the main characters were doing, the hero-types. I was busy trying to run away…FROM DINOSAURS!!!


I don’t know if the dinosaurs had somehow traveled forward in time, or had lived all along in some isolated spot, or had been grown in a lab à la Jurassic Park. But lots of them just suddenly appeared. Again, were this a movie, I’d likely not be a main character as I didn’t know where they came from, etc.

So, along with other “extras”, I was in some city which I didn’t recognize, just going about my business when suddenly all these dinosaurs appeared. Of course, they were terrifying and everyone ran away, screaming, except the unfortunate folks who became dino-dinner.

I happened to be hiding in a store or series of stores—maybe some type of mall. And I had a small group of people with me. Maybe 2 or 3 or 4 others, whom I don’t know. Maybe I did know them in the world of this dream, but I wasn’t really paying attention to them as individuals. I don’t even know how many there were in this little group of mine. Again, not a main character.

Very quickly—seemingly within minutes, but probably more like hours or even days (thanks to the magic of film editing?)—order and lawfulness and basic human decency broke down and people were stealing from each other, fighting, even sacrificing other “extras” to get escape from various dinosaurs. The worst people at the store(s) where my group hid out seemed especially vicious, so we got out and found another spot to hide out. It was a restaurant, and the other “refugees” there were much less unpleasant.

So, things looked up for my little group (of indefinite size) and me. But the dream ended abruptly or, more accurately, stopped, not ended. Hmm…maybe I died instantly, unknowingly, in the jaws of a prehistoric beast.




Sunday, October 27, 2013

Passion


I’m watching Stephen Sondheim’s Passion this morning. (It’s a musical. Sondheim is a major musical theatre composer/lyricist…just in case you didn’t know. And the book, i.e., dialogue and such, is by James Lapine.) One of the cast of the show I’m doing now mentioned it, so I thought I’d look for it online. I found the entire show on youtube.

I was already familiar with it. In fact, I just leant the original cast recording CD I have to that cast member. I’ve listened to it several times and watched some of the video, but not all of it. I’ve also played a few songs from the show before.

Anyway, I like the show. It’s not a big flashy presentation sort of musical. It’s dark, and not really happy sort of show.

It’s about this soldier and the two very different women who love him.

He starts out with one, and they declare how happy and in love they are.


Then he leaves on assignment where he meets the other.


There’s a lot of struggling to deal with this other woman who loves him desperately and trying to maintain the relationship with the first woman.

I rather like the score. I think a lot of it is based on a small number of musical themes. That’s something Sondheim does—not just repeating material, as some other music theatre composers do, but developing it, as a classical composer might. You’ll see it more in Into the Woods, Sweeney Todd, and Sunday in the Park with Georgethan in some of his earlier shows. And it seems that Passion is his most “condensed” score in that way.

I haven’t done an analysis of the score, though I did propose such an analysis as a project for a music theory class, but the teacher rejected the idea, saying that it was “popular music” and we didn’t deal with popular music in the class. Actually, we had done some work with popular music already in the class, AND I would suggest that this show is not really “popular music”. It’s much more a work of artistic merit.

Anyway…it’s a great show. I’d love to do it sometime. It’s not really a big show, in terms of cast size and sets and props and such. But you’d need good singers—not just good voices, but people who are capable of learning some very difficult music. After all, it is Sondheim. You need musically advanced singers for a lot of Sondheim, but they must also be good actors to do the material justice. That’s what I like about really good musical theatre—it’s not just actors who can learn some notes or singers who can learn some blocking. 

Oh yeah, some shows also require strong dancing. This one doesn’t. Sondheim doesn’t write much for dance. 

Saturday, October 26, 2013

not my friends

So, I was just looking at what I’ve posted here so far in My Blog o’ Rants, and it’s not especially full of rants. That’s probably a good thing. Well…here is a little bit of a rant.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

I've been watching a show on netflix which has a character who reminds me of someone. The show is The Following. The person I’m reminded of is a former boss of mine—Cathy McNeela. There’s an actress in the show—Annie Parisse—who looks a bit like her…a very attractive lady. There’ve been a few other actresses who have reminded me of her. The one that most comes to mind is Christine Rose, who was in Heroes.

I started to post this on facebook, where I might’ve “tagged” Cathy…except that she, like many others, unfriended me some time ago.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

The past few weeks, I’ve considered unfriending a few people. I haven’t done it. It’s not as though they are posting things I don’t like or they’re making me feel uncomfortable. In fact, it seems to be the opposite.

A little while back someone posted on my facebook wall, “Can you just try not being a dick or disgusting for once?” I was not aware of this disgusting &/or dick-ish-ness. I said as much, and she followed up with, “You always are. Every time you comment on my page I get messages that say ‘did you see what chris wrote this time?’ So, maybe just stop.”

I found that odd. I mean, what grade of junior high school are we in? (Gasp) “O-M-G, you guys!” So, if I’m always being a dick/disgusting, and I don’t realize it, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to not be that way.

And another “friend” deleted some comment I had made on a post—I don’t even recall what it was, but it wasn’t anything I especially thought was delete-worthy.

The thing is, neither of those individuals are truly my friends. They’re basically just people I happen to know because they’re friends with other people I know (some of whom may be my friends). 

Anyway, I’ve hidden those two people from my facebook news feed, and put them in the list of people to whom I do not post most things. It’s the only way I figured I can avoid being offensive when I’m just acting normally. 

O Sleep...



I woke up this morning around 8am. A bit earlier, actually, and I sort of half-slept a little longer. But then I was fully awake and wanting to go back to sleep. No luck.

Occasionally, I’ll sleep ‘til around 9am or later, but mostly I wake up around 8 or earlier. And when I’m awake, I’m pretty-much awake. I may feel groggy once I’m up and about, but going back to sleep doesn’t seem to be a viable option.

I used to be able to sleep in. I miss that. A roommate of mine from college once said I slept all the time. That was an exaggeration. He meant I slept a lot. I don’t think that’s true, but if it was, perhaps I’m making up for it now by not sleeping as much as I’d like.

Sometimes I’ll go through days or weeks at a time of bad sleep. It’s not generally that I can’t fall asleep. It’s that I wake up sometime in the early morning hours and turn and turn, feeling like I’m totally awake. Or I feel half asleep and thinking, not dreaming, of how I can’t seem to get comfortable. I’m not plagued by thoughts of stressful life events or situations. Just a sort of discomfort, physically and mentally. It sucks, and when that happens, I tend to feel tired during much of the day. 

Honestly, this just feels like part of the general suckiness of my life. 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

dream therapy


I dreamed last night that I was taking some kind of class—like an adult continuing education/community program sort of thing. I’ve no idea what the subject was. I arrived very early, before anyone else was there, early morning I think. But, for some reason I had to leave, and when I returned I was late arriving. All the other students and the teacher were there and the class had begun.

I also dreamed I went to see a therapist. I think it was the therapist I’d seen before (in real life) long ago—20 years. I also arrived there very early. The therapist’s office was actually a house. She didn’t live there, but it was fully furnished as a house would be. So, while waiting, I decided to shave my head and beard. That didn’t go especially well, as I was using a rechargeable trimmer that was running out of power. (That bit is probably because I plugged in my own rechargeable hair/beard trimmer just before I went to bed last night.) I also took a shower, and some other patients arrived as I was showering. 

Eventually the therapist showed up, and I went in to see her. She looked very different than she did 20 years ago. Not older, just different. She’d just returned from some big trip and was carrying luggage and various tourist-y items she had bought while away.

The dream ended then—we didn’t actually get into the session, and I do not know why I was there, what the issue was I wanted to discuss. 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Money, money, money, money

My parents are about to send me some money. They occasionally send me money, which I don’t really like. I don’t want to rely on that, yet, it’s mostly what I’m living on. I do some work—I’m doing a show right now, 2 weekends of performances—but there’ve been substantial periods of time the last year and a half that I’ve not been working at all. And when I work, I make very little. I’m a musician, and not in the “music industry”. So, I’m broke.

Well, this money they’re about to send me—it’s not tons of money, but it’s more than they usually send. It would sort of replace what they’d send me for the next several months, but still s bit more than that. It’s more than is in my checking account (which isn’t much at all).

So, I am wondering what I should do with this money. I could just put it in my checking account and not think about it, just go on living and paying the bills and such. NOTE: I do not spend much. I don’t go out, I don’t eat out a lot and certainly not anywhere expensive, I don’t buy a lot of stuff. And that’s not going to change just because I have a little extra money.

But maybe my general behavior could change a little. Maybe I could take a little trip somewhere—the mountains?—just to take pictures. Or maybe I could hire a few models to pose for me, instead of hoping my friends will pose for me (which they mostly don’t) or hoping that someone will respond to a (completely legit and not at all tacky) craigslist ad, and then actually show up, not just flake out.

I could put some in checking and with the rest start some kind of savings account. I currently have no savings. There’ve only been a couple of times in my life that I had any savings, and it was never much, and it generally didn’t last long because I moved or had to get my car fixed or wasn’t working for a few months or whatever.

I hurt my knee a year and a half ago. Actually, I didn’t hurt it—I didn’t do something to it, like an injury—it just started hurting all on its own. I went to a doctor a couple of times and (not really knowing what they were talking about) they referred me to an orthopedic specialist who thought it was probably a torn or damaged meniscus. He drained a bunch of fluid (it was very swollen), gave me steroid shot, said that it should help a lot and come back if it doesn’t. That did help a lot. But my knee is still a little messed up. It hurts a bit if I do too much. Or sometimes it’s just sore for no obvious reason other than perhaps the weather. Maybe this money should go for getting my knee fixed. I’ve no idea if it’s even remotely enough.

I could just decide that most of that money is going to be for health insurance. I don’t have health insurance. I’ve never had my own health insurance. I was on my parents’ insurance when I was a kid, and through part of college. After that I didn’t qualify for theirs. I know that now there’s a health insurance mandate (Obamacare), and there’s a deadline for that relatively soon. I haven’t actually looked into it yet, and I really ought to. So, maybe this is the wisest option.

Perhaps I could use some of this money to submit my plays and musicals to various theatres, etc., that have a submission fee. (I write plays and lyrics and musicals, in case you didn’t know.) I submitted a couple of things (to no-fee opportunities) earlier this month. And there’s one more I may do. But otherwise, I haven’t submitted anything anywhere for a few years, I think. I had a year in which I made a lot of submissions, but I avoided those with submission fees, because I just didn’t have much money and felt I couldn’t afford it. I got no performances from any of those submissions that year. In fact, I’ve only ever had one piece done by a theatre with which I was not actively involved. So, I guess I just got frustrated and stopped submitting. I also stopped writing for a bit. I feel like I don’t have anything I want to write. I have been working with a lyricist this year, and we have a show we’re doing in New York City next month. But it kind of doesn’t feel like my show. Maybe if I started submitting more, fee or no-fee, I’d feel more like a playwright/lyricist again and start writing again. Or, perhaps there’s some kind of play-writing workshop I could take which might jump-start me back into writing.

But what I kind of want to do with this money, or some of it, is take a photography class and buy a decent camera. I don’t know how much a “decent” camera would cost, and I don’t know if taking a class would keep me from being able to do other stuff. Like, I’m supposed to go to NYC next month. (Maybe some of this money should go for that.) Can I miss a class for that? I may be doing a Christmas show with a theatre. Could I schedule that around a class?

Can I afford to get a decent camera and health insurance? How much is health insurance gonna cost? I don’t know. I guess I’m gonna have to do some research about how much things cost.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

I guess one thing I will do—which I would’ve dine anyway, without this money—is to buy a new pan. Just a couple of weeks ago I bought an inexpensive wok sort of thing. And that was great. Except that a week or so ago I burned it. I was cooking and at the same time doing something else I was much more focused on—playing some music on my keyboard, actually. I was alerted to the burning wok by the smoky smell of the burning wok (and oil) mere seconds before the smoke detector was alerted by smelly smoke of the burning wok. I had hoped it might be salvageable, but, alas, it is not to be.



not Frankenstein

I had an odd dream last night. I wish I could remember more of it. It seemed important, though as I think about it, I’m not sure why it would seem so.

What I do remember is something about numbers, changing the numbers of items, I.D. numbers or something. Mostly the numbers were being changed by adding digits. Like, if some item was #142, it would be changed to #1,421 or maybe #14,210. I don’t recall what the items were nor the setting. Though I think it may’ve been something to do with a lab, something scientific.

Mainly I think that because the other thing I remember was a guy cloning himself, or making a copy, or perhaps just a look-a-like. It was sort of a mad scientist type of guy. He had a lab; it wasn’t like a Dr. Frankenstein’s castle with lightening flashing in the background. But it was just this guy working alone, no assistants, as you’d expect in a lab. He wasn’t growing the clone from his cells, but rather by injecting his cells and a bunch of other stuff—chemicals or whatever—into the body of some medium-sized animal. It was the size of perhaps a cat or rabbit, but definitely smaller than an adult human. Yet, whatever he was injecting was making the animal grow larger and look like him. The animal was unconscious, so I don’t know if it got any smarter or self-aware. I sort of have the impression that the idea was to make it smarter and such, to be able to use it as a double or decoy or…I don’t something like that. 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Life coach needed

Yeah, I need a life coach, i.e., someone to help me get motivated.

This person could help me find a job that will pay me enough to get by but also something I can stand to do and not feel like I’m actively destroying the world or assisting people’s self-destructive habits.

This person could help me exercise. I can’t afford a gym membership, but we could find some at home program that wouldn’t require the purchase of equipment. And this person would exercise with me or coach me through it, etc. In the past, when I have done some kind of exercise at home, it’s always been with no clothing. I guess I wouldn’t have to do it that way, but it is what I’m used to. If this life-coach were okay with it, that’d be great.

This person could help me find some friends that I might actually see regularly and spend time with. This person might even help me find a mate—not necessarily a “soul-mate”, just someone who likes me and whom I like enough to be with and see where that goes.

I cannot pay this life coach in money, as I don’t have any. I suppose if this person were wildly successful in the life-coaching of me, I would eventually be able to pay them. But if this person were a musician, I could offer accompanying/coaching or some original song or instrumental composition written for him or her.

(Back when I lived in New York City, I did a show with a woman who was a personal trainer. We had talked about arranging a barter of coaching for training. But it never happened. I left the city right after that show; I went back only for a month or so a year later, and didn’t get back in touch with her.)

If this person were an actor, I could offer a monologue or two.

If this person were a choreographer I could write music for a dance they might create.

If this person wanted to do some modeling, I could offer my time and talent as a photographer.

Heck, I might even be willing to do some house-cleaning or balance a checkbook. 

Whatever. I need help. I’ve been unable or unwilling to help myself, so clearly I need some outside guidance. 

Monday, October 21, 2013

"true to life"

I dreamed last night about a woman that I know.

I’m not sure if it was her birthday or some other “special day” or just a random day that I decided to try to make special. But I had told her that I was going to take her out and entertain her for the day. Actually, I had suggested that someone was going to take her out—some mysterious, romantic sort of guy…or something like that. But it was just little ol’ me.

I kept trying to come up with really cool things that she would enjoy, but (true to life) I sucked at that. I just didn’t know what people do when they go out. (Also true out here in real life, ‘cause I don’t much go out.)

So, on this “special” day it turned out to not be an all-day overload of interesting activities. I postponed and postponed, and the activities only began in the late afternoon/early evening. We went some place (which I cannot remember), but it was pretty boring, and we decided to go have dinner. We ended up at some sketchy little place that had a piano. So I played and this woman sang something (she’s a singer in real life). But nobody wanted to hear us. Some scruffy, old, biker guy sitting at the bar told us to cut it out. It’s possible that it was a scruffy, old, biker “lady” who looked very masculine. Anyway, we sat down to eat, but they didn’t actually have half the items that were on the menu.

Anyway, the dream didn’t finish. I don’t know if I woke up then, or if it just stopped at that point. I know that the story wasn’t over, the evening I was planning wasn’t over. In the dream my hope was sex. I certainly wasn’t sure of that result, but I know I was hoping.

In the dream I was staying at a hotel, I think. It didn’t much resemble any hotel I’ve actually stayed in before. I think it was a very expensive hotel. Somehow, in this dream I had money. Or at least I was quite willing to spend money as if it wasn’t an issue (not true to life). I had a roommate or friend or something who was also staying in the hotel room (suite, more like) with me, and as I was getting ready for this “date” he was leaving. I told him to look out for the “do not disturb” sign later, and if it was out on the door to not disturb because I’d be having sex. I didn’t actually specify the “having sex” part, but that was the absolutely clear implication.

Let me be clear: there was no sex. It doesn’t even feel there would have been sex if the dream had continued. This was not a sex dream. It seemed more like a dream about my inability to plan a lovely, fun, exciting (or any other positive adjective) evening with an attractive woman. (Yeah, that’s probably true to life. The no sex part certainly is.)

Sunday, October 20, 2013

on the cusp

Sometimes I have the feeling that I’m just about to do something, I’m just about to launch into some great new thing, some new part of my life, perhaps. It may just be the feeling that I can’t stand it any longer NOT doing…something…something worthwhile. But it seems definite, somehow inevitable.

. . .

And then I get over it.

I do nothing, I don’t launch, no new part of my life begins. The nothing worthwhile that I’m currently doing simply continues.

So…definitely NOT definite. Not inevitable.

Fuck. 

A new blog

Right. 

So...

I was thinking not long ago I might just start another blog here, where I can just post various stuff I might write—not photography stuff, just other…whatever…stuff. So, this is it. Maybe.

Stuff I think, stuff I wanna say, maybe even stuff I find elsewhere online which I think is interesting. Or maybe horrifying. I don’t know what will find it’s way into this. 

I decided to go with “rants” in the title, as I had a bit of a rant tonight that I wanted to get out. I’ll post that in a bit. 

Clearly this won’t be as popular as “My Naked Blog” or probably even “My Photog Blog” (though it doesn’t get anywhere near the number of views as the naked one). 

Saturday, October 19, 2013

On Death

It’s Death again – He’s always there –
Watching, waiting – e’er the stare!
Every time I look behind
Or reach to pull the window blind,
I catch a glimpse of grubby hood –
A little clue to where he stood;
The glint of light that caught the scythe.
Perhaps if I could pay a tithe…
But O! no use, he’ll never go.
The adamant phantom; don’t you know
He will but wait until it’s time
For me to hear His fateful chime? –
The toll that claims my destiny,
To Hail: “You’re next, it has to be…”

“It's Death Again” by Mark R Slaughter

Our culture does not deal with death. Not really.

Perhaps that sounds ridiculous. After all, every day people die in various ways. We have wakes and funerals. We have graveyards full of corpses.

But what I mean is that, with the exception of people in a few specific jobs, we don’t generally see death. We avoid seeing it or dealing with it in a realistic way—that is, as an ordinary occurrence, a normal part of existence.

We avoid it, we push it away, we hide it, we simply refuse to deal with it unless we absolutely have to. And then, the typical reaction is devastation. Or guilt, shame, fear…whatever.

What we do with a dead body is sort of crazy. We fill it up with chemicals to delay decay, we paint it’s skin and insert small prosthetic devices to keep the skin to affect some resemblance to the person when they were alive. Because we cannot bear the idea that the person we knew is now a bunch of decaying, ratting flesh. And we seal the corpse up in a very fancy and expensive box to bury in the ground—also delaying the natural processes of decay and transformation of matter into something else (a much more appealing idea to me)—and then mark the spot with large carved stones and go visit them and sometimes leave (already dead) flowers or plastic flowers or various other items that the dead body will never appreciate. It’s almost a way of sort of saying death isn’t real…this person lives on, here, in the ground inside a box full of chemicals.

We put off death and refuse to look at it and deny it as much power as possible.

And I don’t mean just with people. Pets too, or just random animals we’ve never before seen alive. Roadkill or some carcass we happen upon…it’s horrid and vile, and we can’t stand to look upon it. If it’s in front of our house, or on our street, we’ll call someone to come remove it—as if nature doesn’t already have an excellent process for that.

Today’s rant was prompted by something posted on face book by a guy I know:





I’d seen this before, maybe a year or more ago when it was published. But here are comments that were made on this guy’s post:
— This is just plain messed up...but I can't stop looking.
— OK that is just weird.
— Recycling
— This is so wrong on so many levels.
— That is wrong, messed up, nasty, weird, disturbing, etc. Shaking my durn head.
— Oh, my. No. No no.
— So darn bad!
— Add this to the list of thinks I didn't need or want to know this week.
I’ll let you guess which comment was mine.

My first thought in seeing these comments was, “What’s so messed up or wrong or nasty about this?” Weird, yes. It’s unusual, but interesting. Disturbing? Well, okay, if you’re especially invested in kitties, or afraid of them, you might find this disturbing. But all the rest of those comments are just examples of our fear and avoidance of death.

I’m not sure if I’ve written about this before, but…I’m reminded of a conversation I had with my mother. It was about funerals and cemeteries and such things. I said I didn’t want to be filled with chemicals, sealed up and buried. She asked what should be done with my body, and I said, ideally, throw me out in the woods somewhere that I’ll be consumed by animals and/or plants, as we all should be. But that’s illegal. So, I suggested cremation and one of those urns that you plant a tree in, or something. She thought the idea was kind of horrible.






Another possibility is to give my body to a “body farm” where they study decomposition for forensic investigations and such.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

Anyway, my point is that we have an un-natural attitude about death. It seems to me that people in jobs that actively deal with death—morticians, maybe coroners, crime scene cleanup, etc.—are sort of viewed as creepy or scary. And people who have an interest in taxidermy are often thought creepy as well (unless, perhaps, it’s only a head of something you shot, mounted on a wall).

We don’t want to see dead things. We don’t want to view them as dead, as corpses.

And there’s an argument to be made (it has been made) that our entire culture, our “civilization” is based on the idea of denying death. It’s based on the idea that we humans do not have to live at the mercy of the gods, of nature; we get to decide who lives and dies; we will not succumb to famine or disease or bad weather. No, we’ll plant more crops, discover cures, build better houses. We are humans, damn it, and humans are really supposed to die. It’s built into some of our folklore (a.k.a. religion).

Well, it’s all nonsense. Sad, delusional nonsense. Death happens. It’s sad when it’s someone we know and love. But it happens. Why the shock and craziness? Oh, yeah, ‘cause we don’t think it ever will happen, so when it inevitably does, it fucks with our concept of delusional concept of how the world works. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

The Triumph of the Sun, by Wilbur Smith




Maybe a year ago I saw this book somewhere—a thrift store most likely, but maybe a used book store. Several years ago I read 3 books by this author. They were sort of a series; they shared some of the main characters and the setting. But they probably would each have worked as stand-alone stories too. Anyway, this book wasn’t part of that series. But I figured if I liked those, I’d enjoy this one.

Well…

I’m about 35 pages from the end of this interminable book. Okay, clearly it’s not literally interminable. It will terminate in about 35 pages. But at times it has seemed never-ending. It’s a bit over 600 pages, and I think it could easily be 500 pages or less, and not really miss anything.

I started reading it last summer, but I put it down for a while a few hundred pages into it, but picked it back up two or three weeks ago. The overall story is interesting, but there are these long passages describing the tedious daily schedule with nothing significant to the story happening. That’s what was going on when I put it aside last year.

But now, toward the end, the author seems to have shifted into high gear. He’s giving us (the readers) a series of shorter scenes which each jump ahead by weeks or months. I think he’s trying to bring all the threads together, but has to cover a certain amount of calendar time within the story. I wish he’d done more of that throughout the book.

The fact that I’m taking time to write this instead of reading to get to the end of the thing just seems to show that I’m not “into” this book. And maybe the book isn’t as tedious to others as it is to me. Maybe my general sense of blah about my life is keeping me from getting involved with the book and from enjoying all the details. Who knows? The cover says Wilbur Smith is a “New York TimesBestselling Author” but it doesn’t say this is a bestselling book.

So, at this point I’m just pressing forward, trying to get to the end. I’d thought about putting it aside again a hundred or two pages ago. But I figured I’d be done with it soon enough. I was wrong. I’m tired of this book. But I shall finish it, perhaps today. And then I’ll read something that (I hope) is awesome. 


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


UPDATE: about 2 hours later (12:30pm)

Okay, those 35 pages are done. I wasn’t any more impressed than I was when I wrote that bit earlier.
Right where I started back with the last 35 pages, there was a brief shift to a more historical narration than the author had used in the rest of the book, talking about the British Empire at the time (very late 1800s), politics, war, etc. And from there to the end the style was much quicker, like a synopsis, almost, of how the (presumably fictional) characters from the rest of the book fit into the actual history at that time, and ended up telling what happened to them later—in the Boer War and World War One.

So…I’m not going to be looking for another book by Wilbur Smith to read any time soon. Perhaps if someone I knew highly recommended a specific book by him, I’d consider it.


I think next, I’ll read some sci-fi. 



Sunday, October 13, 2013

meh…



I’ve been feeling mostly “blah…” or “bleh…” or “blech…” or “meh…” lately. They’re all very similar.

I know I am not fat, but I feel fatter than I want to be. I feel thick, not fat. I feel lethargic. I want to get up, move about, do something. But I’m having trouble with motivation.

Last month I was exercising. That was good for the first few weeks. But then I started feeling a little sickly and “bleh…”, and the exercise didn’t really help that. It felt more like an obligation. I don’t have a goal with the exercise. I just want to feel better. Maybe a goal would help.

I want to get out of my apartment and do things, but I have nothing to do and no one to do anything with. Apparently, I’m a horribly boring person.

(OR…maybe it’s that I’m always “a dick or disgusting”. That’s what someone recently posted on my facebook. I was not aware of this dick/disgusting quality. Sarcastic, snarky…absolutely. But to me, that’s not the same as being a dick. And “disgusting”? I just don’t’ see it. Anyway…)

I just sit around here most of the time on my little couch (loveseat actually, but there’s no love going so “little couch” it is) watching netflix or youtube or whatever and feeling…meh…

Sunday, October 6, 2013

missing the beach


I’ve been thinking lately about the beach... 


...missing being there. Wanting to go back.

I spent a few months at the beach during the fall/winter a year ago. Also 5 years ago—same beach, about 3 months. It was nice having those long beaches to walk on, pretty sunsets, interesting shells to collect. But that’s not really what I miss.





I was alone there. I didn’t know anyone, and didn’t meet anyone while I was there. Didn’t even try. I didn’t interact with anyone face-to-face, except briefly at the grocery store, etc. The beaches were mostly empty of people.





Well, not empty exactly, but definitely not crowded. If I went walking on the beach for an hour, depending on exactly where and the time of day, I might see anywhere from zero to ten people.



I wasn’t working, wasn’t going out to clubs or any places or activities where people go socialize. I really was completely alone. But, despite that isolation, I felt less lonely there than I do now, living in a city where I actually know some people, and where I occasionally see “friends”.

It’s not that the beach was a good kind of isolation for me. I wasn’t happy to be alone at the beach. The difference is that while I was there, I had absolutely no expectation of not being alone. The fact that I didn’t know anyone there meant I had no hope of spending time with anyone. Here, now, I do have that hope. It’s not based much on experience.

Anyone who knows me likely would not describe me as “optimistic”, yet I sort of am. I have hope that something will change (or that I will change something).

But the fact that there are people I know close by and I don’t see them, that I don’t interact with anyone in person on any remotely regular basis (unless I’m doing a show—and then, it’s pretty-much only in rehearsals), just makes my loneliness worse. I’m technically less alone, but that (paradoxically) makes me feel lonelier.




I’m not going to the beach this winter. I can’t afford it. And I won’t fool myself into thinking I need to get away. I need the opposite. I needed the opposite a year ago. (That’s why I came back here—I thought I’d at least have some people in my live, but it hasn’t much felt that way.) MAYBE 5 years ago I needed to get a way, but honestly, I don’t think it was truly helpful even then.

So, I’m not going back there now. Or probably anywhere else either. I know I’m not “right”, not okay here. But I don’t think there’s anywhere else that’d I’d be any better. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

deal breaker

So, this was originally something I posted on the facebook. But it seemed a little blog-ish, so here it is. 


Facebook seems to want to know what’s on my mind. Well, facebook…

Have you ever met someone, known someone, worked with someone...and you were IMMEDIATELY attracted to this person the first time you met? Even the first time you saw him or her? 
You found this person so appealing, so attractive, so right for you. And the more you got to know him or her, the more it just reinforced that initial attraction.

Smart + funny + talented + beautiful = Mr or Miss Right?

And you would ask this person out, or pursue him or her, or whatever it is you do with such a person…EXCEPT for one very basic, major deal breaker.

Yeah…that. THAT’s what’s on my mind, facebook. It’s not a new thing for me with this person. Just, occasionally I’m reminded of the rightness and the deal-breaker-ness.

Sigh.