"Sorry, but..."

Somebody made this comment this morning on a post by a friend of mine.

Now, I don’t really feel like starting a fight with someone I don’t know on my friend’s facebook post, but I feel compelled to comment on this.

So...

Dear stranger,
If you think that the thing you’re about to say (or type) may be a sexist (or racist or whatever) comment, and you feel the need to say “Sorry, but...” maybe you just shouldn’t make that comment? If you recognize that this might be offensive &/or demeaning to a large group of people, how about this: perhaps you might stop and ask yourself why you feel compelled to make the comment. Saying, “Sorry, but...blah-blah-blah...offensive thing,” doesn’t negate the offensive thing, nor absolve you of the offense. It just fools you into thinking you’re somehow a better person for recognizing your sexism (etc.) before indulging it. I’m not so sure that makes you a better person. In fact, it might make a worse person. I just don’t know.

I’m sure that I am similarly guilty of the same, “Sorry, but...” behavior. And perhaps this was just an innocent compliment. But then why the need to preface an innocent compliment with an apology? And while I don’t disagree with your comment, her attractiveness has nothing to do with the original post. If this were a post asking, “Hey, facebook friends, how does this outfit look on me?” then by all means, comment on how she looks. But this was not that post.

So, in review, if you know that you’re about to be offensive, maybe don’t. Instead perhaps spend some time working on yourself.

Okay, rant over. (For now.)

Here goes!

I have been unfriended by many people on facebook. It’s not really surprising anymore, but it does still sting. So, knowing that feeling, I have not unfriended many people. But I will. In fact, I’m about to. I’ve been thinking about a couple of people for a while, thinking how I’m clearly not really friends with them now. And that was their decision. Honestly, it’s a little surprising that neither of these people unfriended me.

They are separate individuals who, at different times, had a bit of a... disagreement, or falling out maybe, with me. Both these people, when last we communicated, expressed a disinterest in trying to be friends or trying to talk or whatever. And in both cases it had to do with my photography.

I suspect the overwhelming majority of people who’ve unfriended me in the past few years did so because they were uncomfortable with my photographic endeavors. It saddens me, especially when people who work in the arts (or at least pursue some art form as a hobby) are that uncomfortable with someone else’s art. Then again, I’m sure there are people who’ve unfriended me because of religion/politics. 

Anyway... Yeah, I’m going to unfriend a couple of people. Here goes!

hiding from the facebook

There is a handful of people whom I have found so very interesting…or appealing… Actually, I guess “attractive” is the most accurate word here. I find them so very attractive, and I really wish I could get to know them. It’s not just that they’re simply “pretty”, though that’s part of it. They are women, these people I’m referring to right now. It’s not that I want to date them, though I might consider it if I really got to know them. I just, for whatever reason, find them attractive… “appealing” works too. 

And I have, from time to time, tried to get to know these women—attempted chats on facebook or in real life, invitations to meet sometime for lunch or dinner—but with no success. They just don’t reciprocate the level of conversation I’m attempting, or they outright turn down my invitation. 

When I see the people post anything on facebook, it’s just…disheartening. It’s like an intensified version of what I feel with most people—that I vaguely know them, but we’re not really friends, not close, not in any significant way. And with these people, it’s even worse. So, I’ve hidden them from my facebook timeline. (Of course, there are people I’ve hidden for other reasons—for example all they ever post is conservative political stuff or religious stuff or football stuff.) I don’t want to unfriend them—though I’m not truly friends with them—but I can’t stand seeing their posts pop up randomly when I’m on facebook. It’s just too shocking and heart-breaking. 

It’s probably just as well that I don’t get to know them. I figure (based on my life experience) there’s a pretty good chance that if I did spend much time with any of these women, I’d either find them ridiculously un-interesting, un-appealing, and un-attractive, OR I’d lose myself in some unrealistic fantasy relationship with someone who’s not available. 

the giraffe riddle

If you haven’t seen it, you’re probably not on facebook.

I’ve seen it going around several days. I didn’t bother. I would’ve been correct, but I felt no need to engage in this particular “latest thing”.

But now I’m seeing a bunch of people sharing this post: “Giraffe riddle: Why you're probably answering the Facebook riddle wrong” 

In it, somebody is whining about how the answer to the riddle ought to be not the actual answer but rather the answer that the writer, and many others, incorrectly guessed. And the writer’s argument relies on identifying the first part of the riddle as not really part of the riddle, not really an option.

Come on, open your eyes, people. It’s a riddle. Sometimes there’s a little “gotcha” phrase in there that you might incorrectly ignore while focusing on the harder decision-making part of the riddle. This one happens to have two.

See, riddles are tricky. That’s the damn point. AND if you guess an answer that you think is right, but the questioner knows is not the CORRECT answer, then your answer is still incorrect. It’s not a math problem or something that actually could have multiple answers. It’s a riddle. That’s how they work.

You may think your logic is strong, but Turandot still sends you to the executioner. The Sphinx still gets to eat you.

So, all you long-necked, spotted sore losers shut up about it. Change your profile picture if you want. Seriously.

not my friends

So, I was just looking at what I’ve posted here so far in My Blog o’ Rants, and it’s not especially full of rants. That’s probably a good thing. Well…here is a little bit of a rant.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

I've been watching a show on netflix which has a character who reminds me of someone. The show is The Following. The person I’m reminded of is a former boss of mine—Cathy McNeela. There’s an actress in the show—Annie Parisse—who looks a bit like her…a very attractive lady. There’ve been a few other actresses who have reminded me of her. The one that most comes to mind is Christine Rose, who was in Heroes.

I started to post this on facebook, where I might’ve “tagged” Cathy…except that she, like many others, unfriended me some time ago.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

The past few weeks, I’ve considered unfriending a few people. I haven’t done it. It’s not as though they are posting things I don’t like or they’re making me feel uncomfortable. In fact, it seems to be the opposite.

A little while back someone posted on my facebook wall, “Can you just try not being a dick or disgusting for once?” I was not aware of this disgusting &/or dick-ish-ness. I said as much, and she followed up with, “You always are. Every time you comment on my page I get messages that say ‘did you see what chris wrote this time?’ So, maybe just stop.”

I found that odd. I mean, what grade of junior high school are we in? (Gasp) “O-M-G, you guys!” So, if I’m always being a dick/disgusting, and I don’t realize it, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to not be that way.

And another “friend” deleted some comment I had made on a post—I don’t even recall what it was, but it wasn’t anything I especially thought was delete-worthy.

The thing is, neither of those individuals are truly my friends. They’re basically just people I happen to know because they’re friends with other people I know (some of whom may be my friends). 

Anyway, I’ve hidden those two people from my facebook news feed, and put them in the list of people to whom I do not post most things. It’s the only way I figured I can avoid being offensive when I’m just acting normally. 

Unfriends (2)

So I lost a couple more friends on the facebook not long ago. I know who it was: a few students I’d played for this past year. I don’t know if they unfriended me because of this blog, or if it was more of a spring (summer) cleaning, a general unfriending, as I won’t be around to play for them or even to say hi occasionally this coming school year.

The rate of my facebook unfriending has certainly slowed significantly. The first few months after I started this blog (and started posting it on the facebook) it was considerably more than a trickle. But not lately. And I actually sort of miss it. It’s almost like if I’m not offending somebody I must be doing it wrong.

Now, this blog isn’t intended to offend. But, just like I don’t try to flash people, yet I don’t mind if people happen to see me naked, I’m not actively trying to offend people, yet I don’t have a problem with it if someone is offended.

In fact, maybe people need to be offended sometimes. Certainly if it gets them to think then it’s probably a good thing. Although, I suspect most people who get offended just sort of shut down any analytical part of their brain and just ignore or go into rant/talking-point mode.

So...feel free to be offended. 

Not Facebook-able

Well, I’ve been feeling restless, antsy, maybe even frisky lately. I’m sort of just waiting for the next few weeks to be over. I’m not doing much of anything much of the time. So the other day I was getting brave about exactly what I post on the facebook. You could say I was pushing the envelope, but I would say I wasn’t really aware of any envelope-pushing. At any rate, the envelope pushed back.

I’ve been blocked from posting on facebook for a few days because of this picture from a few days back:

I kinda figured it’d be okay. Or maybe on some level I didn’t. Maybe I’m just bored, and I was trying to liven things up a little. I don’t know.

But if I was gonna be blocked for posting a picture, I should’ve posted something a bit more extreme. Something like these:

Much more offensive than mine, right?

—         —         —

Not being able to post stuff or comment on stuff has made me very aware of just how much I've been doing that lately. Too much, probably. It’s the main form of contact I have with “the world” i.e., most people I know.

Quite a few times the first day of being blocked I had the impulse to check facebook. But I didn’t have it open. Not being able to post or comment or even like others’ posts, I didn’t see much point in staying logged on. Usually I keep facebook open on my computer all day if I’m home, which is most days lately. I’m starting to get over that impulse, but at some point later day I’ll be able to post and comment again. So, it’s not unlikely that the previous behavior will return.

Oh yeah, they also took this opportunity to switch me over to the “timeline” on my profile, or at least to tell me that it’ll take effect soon—August 6th. Somehow I’d quite happily avoided it for several months now. Maybe it’s just a coincidence, however I will view this as an extra little “fuck you” from the facebook people. 

The Story of “O”

There’s this woman I sort of know. She’s a good friend of a woman with whom I did a show earlier this year. I don’t know the woman from the show very well, but I guess we’re friends. We’re facebook friends anyway.

So, this good friend of hers, who I shall call “O”—not the “O” from the novel The Story of O, which is strange and interesting, although this “O” is also a little strange and interesting—sent me a friend request on the facebook some time ago.

I thought, yeah sure, why not? And I became facebook friends with O, whom I’d never met. We chatted some and often “liked” and/or commented on each other’s facebook posts.

I met O in person once, at a party her friend threw. O and her friend both live in the next town over. I don’t get over that way much, and O doesn’t get over this way much. So, I actually went to this party mostly to meet O. And that experience just added to the strangeness and interestingness of O.

Before that party I’d had two distinct versions of O in my head, based on our facebook interactions. And I’d been hoping to get some clarification—which version was accurate?

Well, at that party I saw a brief glimpse of the beautiful version with whom I thought I could have a real conversation... And then was the loud, tough, slightly scary, tattooed lady that seemed to block out any attempt to connect. At least that’s what I saw. And those 2 aspects of O correspond quite well with the 2 versions I already had in my brain.

Obviously neither of those versions is actually her, though they were based on her...parts of her...aspects, I guess. Probably we all have various aspects which are hard to reconcile.

—     —     —     —     

The thing that I really wanted to write about here is that for a while O was posting on the facebook a sort of “sensual thought for the day”. It was a daily comment or whatever that sometimes seemed like life advice—not sexual advice exactly, but thoughts about being a sensual person, enjoying sensual experiences. And these were always accompanied by a sexy picture, usually black and white, very professional-looking, typically a woman in lingerie—or more accurately, part of a woman. There was never a face, which made me wonder if they were pictures of her or not. Some of them I feel probably were, but others I’m not so sure.

Anyway, that doesn’t matter. The point is that I started looking forward to these posts, looking for them every morning. Perhaps that desire to see her posts speaks to the lack of sensuality in my life. Or maybe it’s more that I really wish I could take great looking pictures like those.

Well, just after that party where I met her, she stopped posting her sensual thoughts. I asked her about it, and she said that she’d be on facebook much less for a while and that I was probably the only one who really enjoyed them anyway. I was briefly disappointed by this absence. But I got over it.

So now, a few weeks later, it seems she’s starting to post the sexy pics again. That’s cool. But, having gotten over the disappointment of their prior disappearance, I’m just not as interested this time around.

It may also have to do with the fact that she was one of the women who turned me down a few weeks ago.

Despite the 2 versions—one I found appealing and one I didn’t—I was still interested...attracted, I should say. Well, of course I was. She’s a beautiful brunette (I like brunettes) with great eyes and who seems to say what she thinks, or at least posts cool stuff on facebook without apology.

Very sexy. Very appealing.

And too busy right now to go out with me.

It’s just as well. I’m likely not her type. Something she said once.

Oh yeah, and I’m leaving soon. 3 weeks. (Whoo.) And I should probably not get involved now with anyone here. 

Silence is Deafening

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

–Mark Twain

I don’t know that Twain meant exactly this, but, to me right now, this is saying that clothed people either don’t take naked people seriously or they ignore them (us).

Is that it? Just two choices? Leer or avoid?

Well, I’m going to address the avoiders.

You can see what I mean here, toward the end of Erykah Badu’s “Window Seat” video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hVp47f5YZg

People see, react for a moment, or less than a moment—surprise, shock, dismay, whatever—then nothing; they turn away, or they stoically avoid reacting, or rather avoid showing any reaction.

But that in itself is a reaction. It’s also a sort of dismissal.

If you look at the “art school” definition of “nude” (I wrote a bit about this in “Nude vs. Naked") it’s a sort of presentation, a costume of sorts, or, yes, perhaps an objectification. It’s an invitation to view, to consider, to respond to the nude person. Or perhaps it’s a challenge. And avoidance of the nudity is a response of sorts. But it’s refusal to participate, a refusal to consider, to think, to be involved; it’s a rejection—a rejection of the invitation, of the challenge, and, ultimately, it is to some degree a rejection of the person or persons presenting the nudity.

In talking to a few people about this blog I’ve been trying to work out, to figure out and articulate, the reasons I started this.

Yes, it's a sort of “coming out”, but also I was hoping to prompt discussion, reaction, comment...something. But sometimes the silence is deafening. On the facebook, where I post links to the blog, a few people have responded on their own; some others I’ve asked for a response, and mostly gotten something. But some people don’t respond, even when asked directly. For example someone “liked” a (cropped) picture I posted on the facebook. I wrote and said “Hey you liked that picture. Thanks.” Her response was the she wished she were that brave. So, assuming that she at least was aware that the picture was from my blog, I asked if she had any feedback on the blog. And since then, nothing, even after I wrote again to say sorry if it was awkward or uncomfortable and feel free to change the subject. Still nothing.

Add to that the continuing loss of friends. Another sometime in the last 24 hours.

Deafening.
Sure, you might say that many people just don’t know how to respond to this blog. Well, to that I say bullshit. To that I say too many people just go through life trying to be safe.

When I was in college there was once a girl who I thought was really cute; I started chatting with her and after a little while I asked her out. She gave me some excuse that she couldn’t. It was a perfectly reasonable excuse, so I asked again—another reasonable excuse. Third time, same thing, so I asked if she was really that busy or if she just wasn’t interested, and if it was the latter, I just wished she say so. See, I wanted to believe that she was telling the truth. I would’ve told the truth. I’ve pretty-much always felt like this. Just say that you don’t want to go out with me, or hire me, work with me, whatever. I’d much rather you be clear and say what you mean. I can take rejection. I’ve certainly been rejected before and I expect to be rejected again. But I’d like to know, maybe even have the chance to ask if there’s some reason that would be helpful for me to know about for my own edification.

It turns out that girl in college was a lesbian. When I asked the third time, she told me. Okay. Fine. She could’ve said so the first time and saved us both the effort—of my coming up with a possible date idea and her coming up with a reasonable-sounding excuse. But I guess she was trying to be safe. She didn’t know how I might react to her being a lesbian.

So let me say, loudly: I’m not gonna yell or make fun of you for being a prude or feeling uncomfortable or perhaps having a job which you fear losing if my links to this blog show up on your facebook newsfeed. I respect directness and honesty. However, I might “call you out” for running away, unfriending me without a word.

unfriends

I just lost another facebook “friend”, which prompts me to post this.

By the way, I’ve figured out who a lot of you are, and there are a few surprises. Oh well, whatever.

Dear ≈50 people who’ve unfriended me on the facebook:

(Yeah, I know they’re not gonna see this, but...)

I understand if the posts about my new blog made you uncomfortable. But, ya know, several times I’ve mentioned in a facebook post that if you don’t want to see these posts let me know. I could’ve taken you off the list.

I would never simply unfriend someone because they posted something I didn’t like. I might hide them from my news feed, as I have with a handful of people who constantly post religious claptrap &/or right-wing conservative nonsense &/or sports crap that I care nothing about. Or if I had a normal job where I was concerned with what my boss might see on my computer screen when I was on facebook during work hours.

But I wouldn’t unfriend you. I’d probably say something about it: maybe ask you to not post that to me, you know, make a list or something. Or if I found it really troubling or disturbing I’d say so. I might say, “Hey. This is really offensive...or troubling...whatever”. I would start an actual conversation.

Wow, imagine that, actually saying what you think. Expressing your feelings. Oooo, a confrontation.

Why is that so scary? Why can’t people handle that?



Update: 11-7-2011